Thursday, March 10, 2016

Troubling Truthful Tales

It's been a weird week all around so I thought it was time for an insight round-up. Also because I'm really bad at chain-tweeting so here goes:

1. It really doesn't matter how old your kids are, you could announce to the world that you are going to be using the restroom by having it flash across the screens in front of their faces, the second you are out of sight they will be on your tail like a fanboy on a spoiler site: "Mommy! Where are you?! Can you help me/dress me/answer me/find my whatever? I was so worried about you!" Guys. I'm right where I told you I would be not 30 seconds ago. This is why you will never pee in peace until they move out of the house and maybe not even then.

2. Along the same lines (but with adults), the first time you answer any question for anyone, you become their go-to source for everything. It doesn't matter that you know nothing about what they need, it's assumed that you'll find the answer for them because no one understands them like you do. If you don't, you're not a team player. You don't want to not be a team player, do you?

3. Your kids could have electronic devices coming out of their ears and the second you decide to purge some of the older electronic toys is the second they decide that playing with them will be hella fun. But oh no! They haven't touched them in months so they have no charge and/or dead batteries. EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.

4. My favorite time of the day is when I get to eat. I love food. That is all.

5. I especially love jelly beans but I cannot be trusted around them so I've come up with an ingenious work around: Blow Pops. I get the hard candy/fruity flavor I crave with keeping my mouth busy chewing the gum and I think that I'm gonna stop right there. 

6. There is something incredibly satisfying about bludgeoning chicken breasts with a meat mallet.

7. Our new fish puts himself in time-out. You do you, Danny.

8. Never underestimate the confidence boost provided by a pretty yet functional bra. You'd be surprised how often the two don't intersect. Or, at least, I was.

9. The day that you overstock your freezer with the children's preferred breakfast of double cinnamon French Toast sticks is the day they will declare that only extra fluffy waffles are suitable for the morning repast, how could you even suggest otherwise you HEATHEN?!

10. I need a nap but my right eye is oozing gunk so sleeping in my contacts would rank up at the top of the list of Very Bad Ideas so I'm forced to go walk in the gorgeous sunshine instead. It's a cruel, cruel world.

Only one day and a handful of hours to go before reaching the crazy that is the weekend for on Saturday we shall do all the things. Ever last one of them. And then a couple more. Just because I can't handle any more truths today. Or maybe ever again.

And that's the truth.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

The existential crisis of a third grader

Mondays are the long-ass days in our house - Noelle has Brownies and CCD  and Noah has Minecraft at the library on selected ones (I might use a Time-Turner.) (CCD is Sunday School but not on Sundays so...CCD.) It's a delicate dance of Dylan getting Noelle to her meeting location, me leaving from work, racing across the county to get there, him leaving with Noah, me staying with her and halfway through the meeting driving her over to CCD (when I don't get lazy and just decide to stay in one place.) Suffice it to say, we're all a bit tired by the time it comes to head home which naturally makes it the perfect time to hold deep conversations. 

Me: Did anything interesting happen in school today?

Noelle: No, just the usual stuff. (pause) Mommy?

Me: Yeah honey?

Noelle: Can I ask you a question?

Me (oh god, here it comes. We are NOT having The Talk in the car where I don't have diagrams and resources and all that): Sure baby girl, what's on your mind? (I am cool. I got this.)

Noelle: Mommy....what's the point of life?

Me: ........

Okay, didn't see that one coming. Deep breath. And....go!

Me: Well....I think that the point of life is to do the best we can with the time we have. (When in doubt, go Gandalf.) You know, be a good person and leave the world a better place than we found it.

Did I smugly pat myself on the back? Yes. Yes I did.

Noelle: I just don't understand the point of being here if we are all just going to die.

Smug balloon deflated.

Me: I...I don't really have an answer for you baby; no one asks to be born but here we are. The universe is made of energy and it has to go somewhere so sometimes the energy turns to life. And here we are. Life finds a way. (Okay, and "Jurassic Park", too.) (Holy crap, I'm way too tired to philosophize. Deflect! Deflect!)

Me; What brings this up?

Noelle: Oh, it was on an episode of "The Amazing World of Gumball"...

(I hate that stupid

Me: Ah. Did Gumball get an answer?

Noelle: Not really, everyone said something different.

Me: Yeah, there is no one answer. So what's the theme in Art this quarter?

And that, Your Honor, is how the liquor store ended up in my house.