Thursday, May 23, 2013

Thursdays are the new Saturdays

Well, according to the SyFy channel they are. In a move that has greatly pissed off the legion of Tweeters known as the Snarkalecs, for the summer SyFy will not air movies - original or otherwise - on Saturday nights. Instead they will offer scripted shows that lasted one season each (Sinbad, Primeval: New World) at the snarking hour (9 EST, 8 CST) and show the movies on Thursday. In a bizarre bit of marketing, the genius who runs the @SyFyMovies twitter account tweeted:


So why? Why would you move original movies to Thursday nights but brand it as the SyFy Saturday movie? We already have Saturdays...on Saturdays. Making Thursdays into Saturdays rips a hole in the space/time continuum and leads to zombieism. Now, college kids can make Thursdays into Fridays but only if they don't their first class until after noon or have managed to give themselves Fridays off altogether. For the rest of us? Saturdays need to remain on Saturdays.

Have the Snarkalecs demonstrated such incredible twitter trending power that those in charge think that we'll live tweet the scripted shows that the network has already declared they will not produce more seasons of? Do they want to go up against prime time shows, even the reruns? Did a junior purchasing exec have too much Kool-Aid at the holiday party and now they need to quietly run out the clusterfuck?

We are good but on a work night? Everyone knows that snarking is lubed by booze. The worse the movie, the greater the booze consumed and the funnier the snarks.

You could have owned Saturday nights SyFy; we had it gift-wrapped for you but now you've gotten too big for your britches. We'll take our snark and go elsewhere.

Good day sir. I said GOOD DAY!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Defiance: Brothers in Arms

Previously on Defiance: Irisa tortured a creepy Castithan businessman then had regret-sex with Deputy Tommy while Nolan and Amanda re-enacted a Wild West hold-up gone horribly wrong.

A pudgy Castithan is being chased through the market by a steely-eyed tough guy. Cornered, he releases an energy blast from what appears to be a container of bubble solution. Diversion created, he tries to slink away  when Terry Tate, Office Linebacker Nolan flies through the air and tackles him causing Steely Tough to whine 'But that's MY bounty!' *Pouts* Steely Tough is none other than Buddy Eddie from the unit back in 'Nam. Nolan made the tackle so Nolan gets the prisoner; Eddie less than graciously agrees but demands booze and boobs in return. No worries Eddie, Nolan's got this.

Stitching the mad bomber up is Doc and our new friend Pol tries to recruit her to break him out of jail. Doc essentially rolls her eyes at him so off to Kenya's the bros go where of course they run into Irisa. Nolan should be really glad that Child Protection Services aren't around anymore. Eddie was there when Nolan rescued Irisa, natch, and Irisa glowers at 'Uncle' Eddie. Drink. Booze procured, Eddie starts looking for some boobs and eyes Kenya. Nolan is less than thrilled with this but hey, she's on the clock. Dolla dolla bills yo. Off they go upstairs when she 'remembers' that she already had another client scheduled but hey! I got you a consolation prize of a Six-Legged Monkey Crawl. To the surprise of no one, Eddie is more than okay with this.

Downstairs, Amanda and Kenya discuss Kenya's relationship with Nolan. Amanda basically says, 'Gurl, he's just that into you and you should go for it!' while Kenya looks doubtful. It appears she's regretting giving Nolan the rewards card.

Back at Lawkeeper Central, Irisa is sharpening her knife and glowering at the stone. Drink. Deputy Tommy comes in and tries to talk to her, inviting her over that night. Clearly he's looking for more than an one-afternoon stand but Irisa is not making any schnitzel for him. See kids, this is why work hookups are more trouble than they're worth. While having this heart to heart, someone drops a mysterious packet of flower food into Pol's cell and he asks for some salt and water. Tommy gets it for him and they leave...with Pol close behind after blowing up the cell.

In the Mayor's office, Amanda argues with Nolan over who has jurisdiction over Pol - them or Eddie. He's loyal to his friend but will back up his mayor. This may all be moot when Government Agent Suave guy comes in also wanting Pol and with apparent relationship baggage tied to Amanda. Amanda makes a deal for goods for Pol - which will be difficult to collect on since he's disappeared.

Former Mayor Nicki has not left town for the golf courses of Florida after all and accosts Quentin in the trailer diner working on the puzzle of the golden bearclaw. She attempts to sweet talk him, calling him the smart one and asking questions about the golden bearclaw as Hipster Glasses watches nearby. Quentin takes news of the conversation home to Rafe who tells him to throw the bearclaw down the mineshaft and melt it. If Nicky is interested in it then it can't be good and if Rafe is acting intelligently, then the end is nigh and we are all doomed.

Pol returns to the scene of the blast to reclaim his bag from where he stashed it at the haberdashery. It may be the post-apocalyptic world but damn it, we will have hats! The good man running the stall is compensated with a silver disc of doom that is not money but does kill him because clearly: werewolf. Or Pol is a sociopath. Could go either way at this point.

Pol tracks down the most ego-maniacal powerful Castithan he can find: Datak. In that all white house, if they close their eyes you could have a helluva game of 'Marco Polo'. Pol needs to get out of town and to do that, he needs Datak's assistance. Datak, who is only mostly a fool, does not want to undermine the life he has carved out - people are RESPECTING him, DAMMIT, but Pol appeals to his vanity. Surprisingly, Datak tells Pol to get out but look, Pol brought dinner that looks a lot like chicken cacciatore. Aw, how sweet. It tastes of home. Datak pulls a gun and tries to throw Pol out of the house when inexplicably his hand starts to shake. Pol twists his ring and Datak falls to the floor in abject pain. The stew, it was booby-trapped! Really, Pol? You are a hotshot weapons person and you develop a ring to give a person gastrointestinal distress? I can do that too; it's called ordering Chinese take out.

Quentin is trying to be a good son and dispose of the golden bearclaw when Luke's shot appears and tells him not to do it. So he doesn't. Sigh. None of the McCawley's are very bright apparently.

Eddie and Nolan trace pol to Datak's because hello Castithan profiling. Datak is nice and helpful but they don't find Pol. Pol asks Datak to get him over the boundary out of Defiance - to the Boss Hogg mobile! But because this is opposite day, the Dukes give chase in the post-apocalyptic General Lee. Nolan is increasingly suspicious of Eddie but the bromance is strong and chooses not to listen to, oh, I don't know, EVERYBODY.

Hipster Glasses has broken into the McCawley's house looking for the Golden Bearclaw. Quentin comes home helpfully holding the bearclaw and they struggle; Quentin is tased. HG takes the bearclaw but while he's admiring his prize, Q wakes up and egged on by Ghost Luke, chokes HG to death. Luke gives Q a paranormal high five because if you don't listen to the ghost of your older brother who made very questionable life choices, you get your teenager card revoked.

Nolan and Eddie overtake Pol and Datak because everyone knows that the General Lee can outrun Boss Hogg's POS. Irisa and Tommy take Datak back to Defiance but not before leaving Eddie w/ another glower. Drink. There's a 3-way bitchfest with Pol whining/bragging how everyone wants him for his weapony ways; Eddie wants Pol for the bounty money, Nolan wants Pol back in jail. Nolan goes all 'I'm taking my ball and going home' and takes care of the issue by killing Pol. Eddie goes nutso that Pol was his meal ticket, he has no money, nothing to live for talkycakes. Eddie pulls a gun on Nolan to make HIM the bounty because of Irisa. Unbelievably Nolan talks his way out of this mess then proceeds to give Eddie a get out of jail free pass in return for telling the collective that Irisa is dead to keep her safe and Eddie pulls a gun on him. Nolan ends up on the wrong side of the gun a lot for a Lawkeeper. Marshal Mysterious arrives and is apoplectic that Pol is dead. Eddie takes the blame and is thrown into the unmarked rover but has the packet of mysterious powder and asks for water and salt. That's it; everyone in the future is going to be forced to retake Science 101.

Nolan goes back to find Kenya who shockingly enough did not take Amanda's advice and dumps him for not being her type. I thought that anyone with a dick would be her type but whatever. Does this mean Nolan has to pay her now?

Quentin is back in the mines throwing HG down the mineshaft as Ghost Luke cheers him on.  Ghost Luke is kind of an ass. You know, Quentin's pretty handy in a crisis. I think that I want him on my team. He has one last chance to dispose of the golden bearclaw forever but alas, cannot bear to part with his precious. He does however, sneer at the hipster glasses before tossing them into the shaft of despair. What have we learned today? Hipsters meet with grizzly ends. You heard it here first kids.

The showdown between Eddie and Nolan was a bit anticlimactic but I loved how Nolan went Indiana Jones on Pol's ass proving he's not entirely useless.

Next week: Will Amanda make a play for Nolan? Can Irisa not glower at someone? And who is Stahma confessing to?

Monday, May 20, 2013

Star Wars claims another two victims

Sigh. The conversion to the Dark Side is complete. It's official: my kids are certifiable Star Wars nuts.

The Force is with force.
In the past 3 weekends, we have watched Episode IV roughly 4 times, Episode V approximately twice, Episode VI two or three times and Episode I for the first time yesterday. They have been clamoring to watch  one of the movies every day since they first saw it, foiled only by it being a school night and Mama didn't raise no fools. In what is either my most brilliant parenting move or most regrettable, I got them each a Star Wars umbrella featuring the Man himself on the handle.

If you're a badass and you know it, do the Force-choke

They were enraptured! Enthralled! In strictly-platonic love! Until Noah started using the handle as a lightsaber and suddenly the battle of the Death Star was on in my family room. Many southwestern decorations almost died to bring this re-enactment to life. Second only to Darth Vader love is the Master himself.

When 900 years old you reach, crap as easy you will not.
With the 'pewers' a distant third.

We're armed...and unable to hit a single fucking thing.
The discussions! The questions! We are living in a geekster's paradise my friends. And it is glorious. They weren't too impressed with a young Anakin but Qui Gon and Padme's hair? Aw yeah. Then, HE appeared.

TWO lightsabers in one?! Mind. Blown.
As of this morning, Noah was walking around with two orange glowsticks as he is clearly Darth Maul now. I for one cannot wait until Noelle sees a female Jedi. Girlfriend will lose her mind.

Maybe not.
Look out Star Wars universe, there are new enthusiasts in town and not even the Force will slow them down.. 

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Defiance: The Serpent's Egg

Previously on Defiance: Mommy issues! Soothed Albino Butthurt! 20th century St. Louis cave paintings! Let's do this.

When the only reminder around that St. Louis was once the Gateway to the West is the structurally questionable Arch, it makes perfect sense to set up your radio station from there as everyone knows that radio waves  travel straight down (Science!) and thank goodness that Alak Tarr had the foresight to do just that. And it is from this vantage point he spots the supply truck entering the town and spreads the happy news. In a scene right out of and Black Friday ever, the townsfolk surround the truck and I can't believe how relieved I am that some of our ancient customer survived the alien apocalypse.

Mayor Amanda is heading out of town with a case full of money with Marshal Lawkeeper Nolan riding alongside for security/prisoner transport of Rynn (Spirit 2) leaving Defiance in the hands of Deputy Tommy and Irisa who I'm sure is just itching to continue the path of personal growth she demonstrated in The Devil In The Dark. I'm sure that Kenya is thrilled about this. Amanda spots a vacuum cleaner salesman ambassador and does her best to not make eye contact but alas, must converse. Refreshingly Amanda tells the ambassador that she really doesn't want to talk to her but oh look! They'll be sharing the same transport. How cozy. Nolan gets Rynn secured on board and she promptly relieves the pig-dwarf of his pen. Sigh. Hubris will the downfall of them all.

The transport is barely out of town when Irisa spots a well groomed Castithan gentlemen enter Kenya's establishment and like any good Lawkeeper in Training, immediately tails him. Those contacts have got to be hella-uncomfortable as her eyes does not blink. Most likely to keep the lenses in but still. She confronts the visitor - Dago - outside and when he doesn't confess to...something, she kicks the crap out of him and drags him into a basement. As one does.

Stop me if you've heard this one before: A priest, a bigamous ambassador and a Lawkeeper are traveling together.... Barbs are exchanged, souls are attempted to be saved, jailbreaks are underway and awkward banter with your paramour's older sister are had. Finally, naps are taken and pens are disassembled. Manacles are released and oops! guns are drawn against heads. Manacles are reapplied, contraband is secured by getting to second base and life goes on. Until it doesn't. For the driver. He must have been wearing a red shirt.

Back in the basement of despair, Irisa is going through the visitors case - which appears to be trinkets and odds and ends for sale - all the while haranguing Dago that it! is! him! He of course is all no! I'm! not! He is not the Castithan you are looking for. Irisa is having none of it and holds up a very incriminating pendant. Well, it certainly is incriminating in the 'dear god, would anyone really wear that?!' way. Dago is clearly thinking 'bitch be crazy' and we are maybe kinda inclined to agree with him. She finally loses patience and stomps out leaving him there.

On the bus, Red Shirt has been relieved of his blood courtesy of a gun and the announcement of This Is A Stick Up. How did they know? Aha! An accomplice on the inside! Was it Rynn with the Boob Bic? The Ambassador with husbands Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum? The priest with the Gideons bible? The priest, of course. It is known that holy men are up to no good. It is known. Marauder One grabs Tweedle Dum's family jewels and finding them...lacking, shoots him. Guess not all stereotypes are grounded in truth. Well that solved the bigamy issue. Marauder Two and Fr. McBackstabber look to escape with the money. Things happen, a safety pin is dropped and Rynn has yet another lock pick in her possession while the ambassador is kidnapped by the horde. Seriously people, keep track of your stuff or you could be the one setting criminals free.

Wherever Irisa is, you know Tommy can't be far behind and he's not as he spots her disappearing down an alleyway with a bag she is careful to keep far away from her body. He follows her because he is no fool and forces his way into the secret basement of torture. Where he's promptly handcuffed to a radiator. Jeez Tommy, I thought you knew her. Let this be a lesson to you kids; think with the upstairs brain, not the downstairs one. Dago is begging to be released, Irisa is screaming that he's the one who tortured her long ago and Tommy looks like he'd rather be anywhere than where he is. He attempts to inject some rationality into the proceedings and oh hon, too little too late. She pulls a snake out of the bag and lets it have at Dago. Tommy is clearly thinking that there is NO WAY this is going in the report when Dago begins laughing like a crazy man and...confessing! The venom cleared his mind, tore away the facade he had constructed and it was all true! Her parents gave her to his secret circle and while her parents watched, they tortured her to unleash her power. All that remained was to sacrifice a supplicant. As someone's hand closed over Irisa's to guide the knife, Nolan's commando team bursts in to take out the circle and save her. Nolan releases her and holds out his arms so she can run to him for safety. All snark aside, this was a terrific portrayal of a very young, scared and confused Irisa. So that's how she ended up with Nolan. Dago still wants to be a kingmaker and Tommy is very willing to allow him to be the sacrifice but Irisa shows more personal growth and stops him, leaving Dago with his failure, limping out of town to the unmarked van of shame.

There's a standoff in the old west with the bandits holding the open ground and the law with the truck. They finally decide that they are sitting ducks in the truck (ORLY?) But no worries, they have a plan! One that includes Nolan doing the hostage negotiations (dafuq?) and Amanda doing the recon/sniper act. Even in fashionable footwear she gets the drop on the Marauders sniper, allowing Nolan the upper hand. They've rescued the ambassador and her remaining husband! Except she's in with the Marauders and is about to leave Nolan, Amanda and Tweedle Dee in the wilderness when Houdini Rynn shows up and gets the drop on HER because there is honor among thieves. Wisely, Nolan and Amanda decide yanno, let's just leave it at time served. Tweedle Dee shows balls and asks very very meekly for Rynn to take him the hell away from there. Nolan and Amanda drag the ambassador's ass back to Defiance to put her on another transport...anywhere. Because they are decent people and whatnot. This kindness is repaid by Ambassabitch requesting any and all information about Amanda on her desk by COB or there'll be hell to pay.

Irisa and Tommy are decompressing in the Lawkeeper's office when Tommy awkwardly tries to tell Irisa how much he likes her, that he has hidden pain too. Shockingly enough, Irisa picks up what he's laying down and does the only sensible thing: jumps his bones. All well and good but really kids, couldn't you have moved into a cell? I shudder to think what is on those floors... This will certainly make the next work day super comfortable for everyone as Nolan and Amanda are relaxing at Kenya's who I'm sure is delighted to see her big sister being flirty with her...semi-john? Man, the holidays are sure gonna be awkward this year.

Next week: What will happen to Tommy and Irisa's relationship? Is Irisa's latent power tied to her visions? How can Christie see Alak at the top of the Arch? See you next week, same bat-time, same bat-channel.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Defiance: A Well Respected Man

When last we left the good folks of Defiance, the Hellbugs had been contained and the golden bear claw of Antioch had been found though there was some discussion as to whether it really was a fritter but no matter.

Nolan and Irisa bust a couple of the most hopeless Irathient hoodlums ever for gun running and one would think that the town council would be overjoyed by this This was actually an approved scheme to get Votan weapons into Defiance to defend against the ever-present attack of the Volge as the stasis field is, well, no more. Any guesses who the middleman is? Go on, take a 'stab' at it. No? Very well, Datak, he of the New Wave band Albino Butthurt, coordinated the purchases which Amanda's pet Lawkeeper put a stop to and the council is quite put out about it. Amanda rightly asks well how was I supposed to know if you don't tell me?! And is roundly scolded by Rafe that it was 'need to know' and she didn't need to know. Um. 'kay.

After a long day of being the hard-charging Lawkeeper, Nolan goes for a little R and R courtesy of Kenya and her duct tape bra of wonder. She's wookin' per nub and so ratchets up their relationship by comping his ride.

Amanda's bad day is about to get worse when a citizen stops her on the street complaining about how her husband as been availing himself of Kenya's charms. When Amanda tells her it's perfectly legal and maybe she ought to check herself, the woman pulls the 'what would your mother think!' line that sends Amanda into a flashback of her and her mother scavenging a burnt out bus during an attack and comforting a very young Kenya with the medal of 'St. Finnegan' (patron saint of brothels and booze). She comes back to the present and completely bitchslaps the bitch. Amanda dear, I know that you are new to this 'mayor' thing but one does not usually strike one's constituents when one will have to ask for their vote. Just a thought.

Now completely wound up, Amanda bursts into Kenya's room and loudly berates her for her choice in careers because let's share the misery people! After ogling a shirtless Nolan first of course because:  priorities. Amanda departs in high dudgeon and Kenya is informed of a theft from a client by one of her workers. Girlfriend takes off into the sketchy part of town with the duct taped wonder close behind. She's looking to score a hit when Kenya arrives to drag her back but they are both interrupted by the arrival Ulysses - the bioman Nolan fought and immobilized when he arrived in town. Apparently Ulysses holds grudges and so takes the ladies captive and throws them into the unmarked van.

As it's not an episode without daddy issues, Quentin and Rafe nearly come to blows in the mine when Quentin wants to explore L7 where Luke had been working. Rafe forbids him and Quentin calls him out that Dad just doesn't trust in him like he did Luke. Quentin leaves, not in anger but in sadness and if Rafe ever wrote a book called, 'Be An Awesome Parent By Always Doing the Exact Opposite of What I Do' he'd make his fortune. Again.

Amanda realizes that Kenya is missing and they track her to Ulysses. Who is employed by Datak so this should go over swimmingly. And indeed, Datak refuses to help find Kenya as he has been insulted - Insulted!- by the complete lack of respect afforded to him after so nobly assisting the town by coordinating weapons purchases. Never mind that he knifed Brave Sir Robin and left him as a doormat for the Lawkeepers.  Stahma catches up with Amanda to help and suggests that as there is an open council seat, maybe she could appoint Datak and soothe the butthurt with a show of respect as no one wants anything bad to happen to Kenya as everyone in town loves her. Stahma is calm and diffident but her eyes, oh her eyes. They are dead eyes, like dolls' eyes.

The next day is opposite day as now Nolan and Datak are buddy buddy cops getting information on Ulysses's operation from various sectors. Amazingly enough, Datak is the rational and thoughtful one with his finger on the pulse of the town; clearly this is someone you want on your side. If only he wasn't such a raging fuckwad the other 95% of the time.

Turns out that when you are hard-pressed for drugs in the apocalyptic future, necessity is the mother of invention. Or at least syringes and Chem 101 gear to harvest adrenaline. The lab rat Miko is understandably apoplectic at the sight of Kenya because the Mayor's missing sister is kind of a big thing but eh, no time to quibble about morals now. Kenya awakes locked in a room and rouses the other girl. They make a break for it, being covert and sneaky to avoid the Volge patrolling the corridors and it totally would have worked except for the whole breathing really really loudly in small confined spaces piece. She has girlie grab hold of her St. Finnegan's medal to realize, that wait, this isn't real because she dropped that outside Not So Good Humor Truck of Terror. She comes to and removes the needle that was extracting the adrenaline from her brain and it is all very Matrix-like. She whacks Miko on the head with a flask and being either extraordinarily lucky (or doomed - depending on your point of view) a piece of glass cuts Miko's jugular which enrages Ulysses 'Oh My God, You Killed Miko!' To the surprise of absolutely no one, Nolan, Irisa, Deputy Tommy and Amanda arrive and rescue Kenya.

Quentin and Rafe mend their relationship over talk and the golden bear claw and Rafe confesses that he already lost Luke and Christie, he can't lose Quentin too. They will explore L7 - and get answers about what Luke was up to - together. What's gonna work? Teamwork.

Kenya, in a fit of generousness, did not fire Thievy McRunaway. No, she's still employed and Kenya calls her over to give her the medal of St. Finnegan - the patron saint of lost children. Thievy takes one look at it and calls it what it is: St. Christopher, the patron saint of lost things explaining that she had been raised by nuns and okay, fine. We'll go with it. Catholic education can send one over the edge. Deducing that Amanda may not have been exactly truthful with her about their mother, she goes for answers. Turns out, all those years ago when Mommy Dearest and Amanda were scavenging, there was an attack. Mom panicked and ran, insisting that Kenya could find them later when Amanda protested leaving her little sister behind. Mom basically said 'peace out' and hightailed it out of there right quick. Amanda took the medallion of St. Christopher and not knowing anything about it, gave it the name of the man wearing it: Finnegan. Rather than being pissed at being lied to for so many years that their mother was dead and wanted Kenya to have the medallion, Kenya's tearfully amazed that Amanda would come back for her. Um, because you're my sister dummy.

Down in the mines, Rafe turns off the safety bars and he and Quentin enter L7. They come upon paintings featuring the golden bear claw and I had no idea that 21st century St. Louis had hieroglyphics but hey! The show is both fun AND educational.

Amanda introduces the newest member of the council and it's none other than our good buddy Unstable Albino Vampire Datak! So she did take Stahma's 'suggestion' proving once again that Stahma is Puppet Master Extraordinaire. And only Nolan seems to have realized this: the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

So: we've had illegal arms shipments, underground drug labs and political intrigue. All we need is a hooker with a heart of gold and....oh. Wait. Never mind. But! Where is Former Mayor Nicki? Why did she resign? Is anyone going to fix that stasis field? And how best to eat that bear claw? Questions for next week I suppose.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Defiance: The Devil in the Dark

Previously on Defiance: sides were chosen, lines were drawn and the golden brooch of Antioch was found. Let's do this!

A human has sneaked into the woods to retrieve...a pair of red running shoes. He laces them up and pops in some ear buds (good to know that iPods can survive the apocalypse. Well played, Steve Jobs. Well played indeed.) and plunges into the woods for a refreshing run while motorcycles pass him heading into town. He's maybe 100 yards into his run when he notices bushes rustling ominously and stops to look around because of course he does. Cautiously, he starts again when he is attacked by an unknown assailant and dragged away thus proving once again that dead men wear red.

You know what this series has been lacking? Brothel action. So off to Kenya's House of Booze and Boobs we head and are treated to the sight of something sizzling in oil and an older balding human man wearing what appears to be a diaper and chained to the bed as the day pours the hot oil on his chest and rubs it in good. There is NO WAY I'm Googling that fetish. NO. Way. Super Diaper Man is really getting into this type of play and his dominatrix is doing a pretty poor job of fulfilling his fantasies as she doesn't stop looking at the clock. I kind of want to pat her head and tell her that the cooking of the breakfast comes AFTER but you go on with your bad self there girlfriend. Super Diaper Man has very poor self control to the delight of Julia Child when his ribs inexplicably start coming out of his chest and I shall hereby dub him Crispy McInside-Out. Hm. Perhaps she should have used a low-smoke oil instead. No matter.

In the town square, Irisa seems to be practicing a form of tai chi with a knife and a butterfly when a vision overtakes her. An Irathient child and her parents being attacked. This understandably knocks her for a loop and the butterfly hastens away. Ambling through town, she comes across two of the Spirit Riders that assisted with the defeat of the Volge from the pilot. They've clearly not left town yet and may be looking to put down roots. The leader who is wearing what appears to be a skinned Muppet on his shoulder goes to talk to the Mayor who offers official welcome and the directions to Rafe's house as apparently there is some dispute of the parts of the land ownership of the mines. Good thing that won't affect Christie's wedding to Alak Tarr.

Across town in the Castithan section, Christie has moved in with the Tarrs and to express her thanks for supporting her engagement to Alak, has made them dinner. Mmm, crown roast of otter. Stahma is very gracious and encouraging. Datak, well, he insults Christie's cooking in Castithan which of course she is learning so hey! Awkward! She leaves the table in distress, Alak chases after her but not before letting Datak know that he done fucked up real good. Datak is defensive and grumpy and Stahma moves to smooth it over, trying to explain the gesture on Christie's part to be one of family and etc. Datak grumps that Alak needs to get control over his soon-to-be wife because that is the Castithan way and you can practically HEAR Stahma roll her eyes because yeah Datak, you are TOTALLY in charge. Alak catches up with Christie on the veranda and tries to soothe her when vicious hissing and clicking sounds erupt from the night! Giant...Spider-Lobsters called Hellbugs are attacking and her screams bring Datak and Stahma running as she tried to fight it off with a lamp stand. MacGyver she ain't but points for trying to stay alive and all that. Now fighting monsters? Oh hells yeah and Datak leaps to it with an almost fiendish glee. In a short time he struts out of the house, the Castithan equivalent of testosterone flooding off of him in waves. As grateful Christie is to him to still be alive, I doubt she'll be joining the Fun Family Bath Nights anytime soon. Revenge is a dish best served with a side of shut-the-fuck-ups.

Meanwhile Doc Yewll had diagnosed the case of massive inside-outness as an attack by a Hellbug and once Nolan, Irisa and Deputy Tommy heard that there was an attack on Christie at the Tarrs, they race to Rafe McCawley's house to find the Tarrs there with Christie seemingly making peace when the good Doc orders her to strip and shower like yesterday and burn the clothes she was wearing as they had been saturated with Hellbug pheromones, drawing the bugs in to attack. Who would do such a thing? And why? And what is with the obsession with bathing in this show? The answer may lie in Irisa's visions...

While Irisa runs away followed by Deputy Tommy (reporting for babysitting duty, Sir!), the mayor, Rafe and assorted mine folks sit down to pour over old papers as to who holds the rights to the land the mine is partially situated on. Tommy lost Irisa (worst babysitter ever) so Nolan tracks her down to a field where the visions become more and more intense leaving her a weeping shell of herself. Nolan can't help her as he's only a human so she goes to King Muppet Rider for Irathient advice which dovetails nicely with what he needs as his second in command has disappeared. This advice appears to require most everyone to partially disrobe and take hits off the sacred bong. What this does do is to focus her visions and like the Pensieve from Harry Potter, places her in the scene with anyone seeing her. She sees the Irathient girl living with her parents in the same field where she just collapsed when two humans appear. To the surprise of no one, they are Red Runs No More and Crispy McInside-Out who slaughtered the child's parents and attempted to kill her too. The child? King Muppet's lost second. When the vision ends, the Lawkeepers plus the Irathients make their way down to Old St. Louis in the minds to find well as the lair of the Hellbugs which she called to exact revenge upon those who killed her family for their land. Now where have we heard this story before....?  The Hellbugs are big and fearsome but also blind and deaf (kind of like me) navigating almost entirely by smell (wait...) so how does one hide from the Spider-Lobsters? Coat oneself in Hellbug sthaka of course. They find the lost Spirit Rider and Irisa attempts to talk sense into her. When Irisa is the one being calm and rational, you know the crazy has been cranked to 11. Shots are exchanged, hostages and taken and Hellbug central is blown up. Huzzah.

Spirit 2 has been thrown into jail while Rafe and King Muppet come to an agreement on the land: Rafe returns the land to the Irathients who then agree to lease it back to the McCawley's for the mining activities so everyone wins? Sort of? At any rate, the party moves back to the brothel-bar where Nolan is reunited with Kenya and folks are happy. Except for Red Runs No More, Crispy McInside-Out and the Brave Sir Robin who was left outside the Lawkeeper offices last week and really? We're not even going to get into that? Fine. So: Christie and Rafe have repaired their relationship even though she's still living with the Tarrs, Nolan worries about Irisa and her visions, the Irathients got their revenge but that might not be enough and still no one knows who ordered Ben to blow the stasis field. That's what next week is for folks.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Peter Pan is a Dick and Tinker Bell is a Jealous Harlot

You know what one of the best things about parenting is? Getting to share your childhood favorites with your kids - the movies, the books, the toys, the games...everything. So as Noah has been going through a huge phase of loving Jake and the Neverland Pirates on Disney Jr, Dyl and I decided to show the kids Peter Pan, you know, the movie on which this all was based and with an insane shoot-off fairy industry to boot. A perfect time to introduce the Disney classics! It's a no-brainer! What could possibly go wrong with this? SPOILER ALERT: EVERYTHING. Because it's a story of a boy who refuses to grow up so yeah, Imma have issues with it.

Where to begin? Oh, how about the beginning? I hear it's a very good place to start. Now granted, Wendy is the epitome of chatty, fluttery tween Victorian England, so one can almost forgive Peter as he waves off her look of butthurt at being told that 'girls sure do talk a lot' with a 'get on with it' which is fortunately directed at her sewing his shadow back on. (Shh. Try not to think too hard about it. I know.) ALMOST forgivable except that he displays NO MANNERS whatsoever and does not thank her for the mid-night fix up and instead invites her to come to Neverland to be his Mother thereby founding the Bad Boys Are So Sexy Club - Squee! Wendy, girlfriend, I really just want to throat punch you and if no one has made a knock off porno of this movie from her constant 'Oh, Peter!'s alone, well you missed a golden opportunity and I just can't help you.

Lest we forget our favorite fairy, Tinker Bell is no prize either. She's vain and has body image issues which are only exacerbated by getting stuck in the lock of the sewing box by her hips and thanks for that Walt! She takes an almost immediate dislike to Wendy and...on second thought, I'm with Tink on this one. Carry on. But she's mean and vindictive, putting the Darlings in mortal danger once in Neverland.... Oh, how did they get to Neverland? Peter just grabbed Tink, patted her butt to make it rain pixie dust on the kids and away they went. Another stellar example of Peter doing whatever he wants to get his way, everyone else be damned. AND NO ONE QUESTIONS IT. AT ALL. I have many feelings about this.

Once in Neverland, this sad, doomed triangle continues to play out: Peter needs to get his rocks off by challenging Captain Hook, leaves the kids in the hands of a mentally unstable fairy who might just be the original molding of Alex Forrest (I will not be ignored, Peter!)(in pixie speak of course.) who races ahead of them to the secret hideout with the intention of tricking the Lost Boys into shooting Wendy down. Tink shows no remorse for this action and the little psychopath struts away. Peter is angry with her for about 10 seconds then is all, 'Eh, she'll be okay. Come on!' Wendy, who clearly possesses the IQ of a turnip agrees, flying off with Oh Peter on an aerial tour of Neverland while the tagalongs her brothers John and Michael lead the Lost Boys in a game of Follow the Leader to find the Indians. There are several problems with this the first of which is that John and Michael have NO IDEA WHERE THEY ARE GOING. The second thing is that they  NEVER OPEN THEIR EYES while walking so how can you follow someone you can't see? (This is making my head all hurty). The third thing is that THEY are captured by the Indians because while planning strategy for capturing the Indians, THEY CLOSE THEIR EYES. GAH. John, you just suck at being the leader.

Wendy and Oh Peter come to Mermaid Lagoon and Oh Peter being the self-centered twit that he is, hops and flies down to where the mermaids are lounging on the rocks, basking in their attention leaving Wendy to clamber her way down as best she can. Oh Peter introduces her and the mermaids clearly having attended the Tinker Bell School of Etiquette start trying to pull her into the lagoon and splashing water all over her. Oh Peter nearly falls over laughing his damn fool head off but is alarmed when Wendy starts to fight back, quickly excusing the mermaids bad behavior as just having fun, right girls? Oh, totally, NBD. We'll braid each other's hair and be BFFs. Pinkie swear.

Captain Hook is sighted with the Indian Princess, Tiger Lily being rowed to Skull Rock by Mr. Smee and will be left to drown unless she gives up the location of the hidden Rebel base, er, Oh Peter's hideout. Because Oh Peter has a hero complex, he and Wendy fly off to investigate where once Hook leaves the cavern with Mr. Smee in charge of the prisoner, Oh Peter has a chance to show off his mimicry skills, never mind the tide coming in and Tiger Lily drowning...oh no. That takes a back seat to showing off how he can outwit Hook and earn Wendy's admiration for his cleverness.

Back at the Indian village, order is restored, the Princess is returned and everyone parties. Everyone that is, except Wendy as Oh Peter is paying attention to and rubbing noses with Tiger Lily and How Dare He! Ladies, when are you gonna learn? The boy's a playa. Tink is sulking. Again. Because now she has to compete with Wendy AND Tiger Lily for Oh Peter's affections and this is going to end badly for someone. In this case Tink who is captured by Mr. Smee and tricked into giving up the location of the hideout as Hook  promises to get rid of Wendy and not lay a finger - or a hook! - on Oh Peter. Tink believes him because she is dumb and desperate and: dumb so Hook and his merry band of miscreants surround the old tree and capture the Lost Boys and the Darlings as they emerge into the night. Oh Peter is left behind sulking because everyone is listening to Wendy now, not him, WHAT IS THIS FRESH HELL? and the good Captain lowers a bomb into the hideout, upholding the letter but clearly not the spirit of his agreement with Tink.

But then! Learnings! Enlightenment! Or something. Tink realizes Oh Peter's about to be Ackbarred, escapes and saves him, then they save the Lost Boys and the no-so-Darlings. One giant happy family, they fly back to London on a golden pirate ship and everyone lives happily ever after: Wendy grows up, Oh Peter does not and Michael brings home a cannonball souvenier.

Except for Tink because really, those hips are huge.

Thanks again Walt!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Defiance: Down in the Ground Where The Dead Men Go

How about that pilot? Something else, huh. Well, we've got a lot to discuss so let's get to it. There wasn't a tremendous amount of action in the episode but there was a good deal of exposition and better identifying the players and their motives. We head back now to Old St. Louis....

Everyone was very relieved and happy to have won the skirmish versus the Volge, everyone but Mayor Amanda who is mourning the loss of 41 citizens and Rafe McCawley who is mourning his son Luke. (See? I told you I'd work on getting the names right.) Oh, and one of the clan of Albino Butthurt (fine, Castithan) who is being roundly reprimanded for bringing dishonor to the Castithans by running away during the firefight with the Volge.He's not having such a great day either. I personally would have been racing him for title of Biggest Coward of the Universe but apparently the Castithan have rigid codes of honor not unlike the Klingons and the only way for him to regain his honor/cleanse himself of his sins is to be drawn and quartered. In the town square. O-kay then. Nolan and Irisa happen upon the charming scene and she proceeds to freak the fuck out, going full-on Manson Lamps at the crowd. As Chief Lawkeeper, Nolan does his part to calm things down by pointing his gun at the head of a Castithan bystander and threatening to shoot if they don't release Brave Sir Robin, Mayor Amanda joins in the fun demanding that Nolan put up his weapon while looking all the while she really wished she had never heard the term 'Mayor' before. He complies and follows her off, while Irisa stays in the square to watch. Nolan my man, you are never going to win a 'Father of the Year' award like that.

Meanwhile in the McCawley homestead, which is very nice and spacious in a post non-hostile alien invasion accidental apocalypse type of way, Chrissy is cooking breakfast for bro and Dad. Shockingly, no one is excited about the upcoming nuptials with Rafe going so far as to forbid her from marrying Alec Tarr with the predictable result because it was the Tarr's fault that Luke died. (Erm, no, that would have been Ben but thanks for playing.) Oh Rafe, have you never seen any coming of age movie? Or he's just pissed that Alec didn't ask for his blessing/dowry first. Hard to say. So Chrissy storms off to find Alec with her dad's proclamation that if she leaves she's never to come back. *Slow Clap* there Rafe; now there is one. Very nicely played. *Headdesk*

But Ben? What is he doing? Why would be blow the stasis field like that? And where the hell is security in this hospital because Hipster Glasses aka Mr. Birch wanders in and gives the comatose Ben a shot - literally - in the head. Usually this is to silence the witness but oddly enough, has the effect of waking him up and partially healing him. Enough anyway to continue with the plan to destroy Defiance but Ben doesn't have beef with anyone! He just wants some dolla dolla bills to get to Antarctica which apparently IS very nice this time of year. HG sends him on his way to more mischief and NO ONE SEES A DAMN THING. Oh right, because he killed the one guard there.

Datak (Butthurt) and Stahma (Wife of Butthurt) are in the bath - again - bathing in milk or some white substance and you know what? I really don't want to know what it is. The 'water' is white, they are white, the walls are very much looks like floating eyes in there. Well, Datak is in the bath seething about the interference of Nolan in Castithan justice. Lady Stahma, on the other hand, is lounging poolside with nothing but strings of beads covering her bits. She saves her scheming for the bath as she goads Datak to exhibitionism by pretending to sympathize with the humans and their culture. "I PISS on their culture!' howls an obviously deranged Datak and I hesitate to point out that culture, in fact, is not a tangible thing so one can't really piss on it and...on second thought, you go on with your bad self there. Alec chooses this moment to slouch into the bathing chambers and DOESN'T BLINK AN EYE that his mostly naked mother stands up to talk to him and embraces him as he whines that Chrissy is having second thoughts about the wedding. She comforts him and oh by the way? SHE'S MOSTLY NAKED. GAH. How the boy was not permanently scarred by that I have no idea. And if anyone suggests an Oedipal complex I will throat-punch you, so help me God.

Amanda is staring morosely out the window of her office as Nicky packs up the remaining items from her reign. She is bothered by the Castithan notion of justice and expresses so to Nicky who then proceeds to give her a civics lesson that Council agreed to let each race handle their own affairs in their own way to which Amanda basically replies, well that's just stupid. Nicky looks at her with pity then leaves. She tears HG a new one for not helping her with her box o' stuff as even though she will sacrifice the many for the good of the few (one?), she's still a lady, dammit. We can but dream that they'll never return but we know she won't because she and HG need Defiance razed to find the lost artifact that will save them all.

Rafe is morosely searching Luke's room for clues as to why Ben killed him when he receives a call that Ben has escaped and blew something up in the mine. For a prisoner, Ben really gets around. Well, that rounds up the posse of Lawkeepers and miners and they head to the mines, back to the dark dangerous places that no one goes. But they will or die trying.

Chrissy apparently works in a restaurant and Stahma comes in to talk to her about why she wanted to cancel the wedding. Chrissy tells her that it's hard with her dad and losing Luke and can they just take it slow for a while? Stahma responds by telling a creepy ass story about her father putting her on the ship with a good honorable guard but then she had googly eyes for another dude who suffered from a severe case of the inferiors so Unstable Inferior Man 'accidentally' flushed 'Good Honorable Man' out of an airlock and everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Good Honorable Man who was, of course, dead. But hey, you can't win them all. Chrissy is comforted by this story (Dafuq?) and appears to regain confidence and I continue to maintain the Stahma IS Cersei, you know, aside from the brother-lovin'.

Remember Irisa? Who was left in the square with the Castithans drawing and quartering Brave Sir Robin? Right, well she continues to Manson Lamps at the folks but completely loses it when a young child picks up a rock to put in the basket. It's her against them all as she cuts down Brave Sir Robin; the crowd starting throwing the rocks at her when a shotgun blast splits the air. It's Deputy Tommy to the rescue! Again. He threatens to arrest everyone unless they disperse. Under what charge my good sir? Um, loitering. Oh well played Tommy! That sure put them in their place. *Rolls eyes* Irisa and Deputy Tommy drag the unconscious Brave Sir Robin to jail where Tommy obviously hopes this will win if not her affection then at least her panties.

Wandering the mines, Nolan and Rafe have a heart to heart about life which ends with Rafe pretty much telling Nolan to mind his own damn business. The dangerous part of the mine? Atlantis! No, it's actually old St. Louis and as they clamber over scaffolding being the loudest tracking bounty hunters in the history of ever, Ben shoots one of the posse and they quickly corner him as being a political stooge in no way prepared him for this. Nolan tries to get answers and Rafe is all, 'Imma let you finish but first Imma pop a cap in his ass.' Nolan reasons with Rafe telling him that he can either do right by his dead kid or his two living ones ever the one who was banished but whatevs, details are of no use to him her proselytizing, but not both. When Nolan is the sane one in the group you know you have issues is all I'm saying. It's the hardest thing that Rafe has ever had to do but he lowers his weapon. Ben, who is clearly not as stupid as he looks, notices that Rafe did not re-engage the safety, jams his chest into the gun and grabbing Rafe's hand, pulls the trigger shooting himself. Well that was certainly unexpected but instead of giving up who is calling the shots, he asks them to tell Amanda that he is sorry. I'm sure that will comfort her greatly. Thanks Ben!

Tommy and Irisa are guarding Brave Sir Robin from the inevitable lynch mob who show up pretty much right on schedule. They are prepared to fight off Datak and his Bio-Man when the cavalry arrives in the form of Amanda, Nolan, Rafe, and Chewbacca's illegitimate lovechild by way of orangutan. A stand-off which Amanda bravely, or dumbly depending on your point of view, faces down Datak saying that she pardoned Brave Sir Robin and that they all need to be subject to the same laws. Datak smarms her saying of course Madam Mayor and slinks out with his entourage in tow. Nolan looks very much like he would like nothing better than to turn Irisa over his knee and spank the bejesus out of her but he won't as he knows full well that doing so will result in his arm being returned to him.

The atmosphere is somber as they head out to the burial of the 41 casualties of the battle with the Volge. Tensions are heightened as Chrissy stands with the Tarrs, clearly having made her choice. Later in the evening, Brave Sir Robin is enjoying a meal with his family when a knock on the door requests his presence outside. Oh look, it's his new best friend Datak and when Brave Sir Robin thanks his for allowing him to see his family once more, and that he will see justice served, you know. Datak's truncated lightsaber flashes once  and thy will was done.

Nolan and Deputy Tommy are hanging out in the jail with Irisa when there's a knock on the door. Going out, they find someone has left them a welcome gift: Brave Sir Robin. Rafe continues to ransack his late son's room doing a far better job at playing detective then Nolan every will. He finds a hidden compartment with money and what appears to be a gold brooch. What was Luke doing with this? What is it? And is this the artifact that Nicky and HG are willing to sacrifice the entire town to retrieve?

This is where the series will either take off or die: there is internal fighting for power in Defiance, there is the ever present threat of the Volge and there are the machinations of the former Mayor to reclaim an artifact. Here's hoping that the next episode will be a little less talk and a lot more action*.

*My abject apologies to Toby Keith.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Defiance: Pilot Recap

Hey, did you know that SyFy has a new original series that premiered this week? It didn't get much publication so you may have missed it. It's called 'Defiance' and is about the zany happenings of a not-so-hostile alien invasion takeover apocalypse.

We open with a voice-over showing the arrival of the visitors with a young androgynous figure staring up at the sky in fascination. It's St. Louis and there's the iconic arch in the background and everything is very green and pretty. Cut to what appears to be Toad's standard ride in Mario Kart bumping along Mordor and a girl with red hair and undeniably alien features is giving the silent treatment to the human guy driving because that is what teenagers do to their I've heard. Ahem. All is very bitter and awkward until he pops in some Johnny Cash as what is better to breach the divide than a rousing C&W song? (Really, if anything could have survived the hostile alien invasion takeover apocalypse, why couldn't it have been 80s music? Just sayin'.)

They approach a hulking behemoth that appears to be deserted but take precautions anyway. Skulking, they make their way into the presumed heart of the behemoth and using a communication crystal obviously stolen from the Fortress of Solitude, they inadvertently unleash Zod release what looks like a glowing blue crystal soccer ball. This is the big prize for it will do...something and make like a tree and get out of there. Unfortunately, they run smack into the the Fabulous Alien Biker Boys who stripped their Toad Kart bare and request our human friend Nolan to open his pack. He tries to deflect by saying all the good stuff is in the kart but dumb Nolan is dumb and the Biker Boys do not fall for it. By communicating via glances to Irissa the sullen teenaged alien a fight ensues and it's very dark and chaotic and running! through the Forbidden Forest where it is revealed that Irissa has been shot. It quickly becomes clear that she can't go on so Nolan does the only logical thing: buries the soccer ball of desire and carries her because there is a settlement...somewhere around until HE can't go on either. He puts her down to size up the situation as all their gear has been confiscated when he's confronted by the unholy love child of Shelob and a water buffalo. He empties his weapon and is about to overrun when the Spider-Buffaloes are brought down by a party of lawkeepers from the nearby settlement proving with finality that men don't need maps as he was thisclose to getting them there. Nolan sees the Arch and says in wonder, is this St. Louis to which his good guide replies, 'It used to be. Now we call it 'Defiance'.'

We cut to a charming old-west sort of town on a festive day, Armistice day, the day when humans and aliens alike put down their weapons and refused to fight anymore founding the first Utopian settlement. As newbie Mayor Amanda thanks everyone, she acknowledges the assistance of some prominent citizens: the albino alien who receives token applause and the human owner of the mines making him very rich indeed, Billy Black. Billy basks in a rousing round of cheering which clearly pisses off the albino who stalks away in high dudgeon.

Irissa wakes up in the hospital attended to by the doctor who very much resembles the Gentlemen from the Hush episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and who has about as much warmth. She's...pissed and threatens the good doctor who saved her life. Amazingly enough, Doc is all, 'ain't nobody got time for that' and puts her in her place. Meanwhile, Nolan is having a meeting with Mayor Amanda as to why they are there as they don't take kindly to strangers round these here parts. Nolan tries to reassure the good Mayor that he and his adopted daughter are only passing through. Amanda the Mayor sends him to the local brothel-bar managed by her sister Kenya. Nolan and Irissa hit the bar which is a strange place to take your daughter but whatever where Nolan asks where he can make some fast money. Kenya helpfully points him to the local Fight Club and we all know how this is going to end. And it does but first after Nolan volunteers to be the next fighter, the owner, Skeevy Albino, still all butt-hurt about the human getting more airtime blah blah blah elects to sub in a Biohuman for the house champion which looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger on steroids. Oh wait....  Anyway, Nolan's getting his ass kicked but good when he does the whole sliding between the legs trick and with one punch disables the Biohuman. They collect their winnings but wait! Butthurt Albino Alien says they broke house rules (what rules? I thought the only rule was not to talk about Fight Club) and will reclaim the winnings thank-you-very-much but here's a fiver for your troubles. TTFN.

While this is going on, daughter of Billy Black and son of Butthurt Albino apparently have a thing and go to the dance together where it's clear that white people still can't dance even after the hostile alien invasion takeover apocalypse. One of her brothers takes umbrage at this and challenges Son of Butthurt with a glowing knife that looks a lot between Sting and a lightsaber. Shoves are exchanged, glares are thrown and the posturing ends. Oldest brother Alex receives a mysterious phone call and disappears.

Butthurt isn't liking his son's dalliance with the human girl and is fuming at his wife in the bath. She is the Cersei of the series and plants a seed of an idea in his mind: if their son marries the human girl and something...tragic...were to happen to the girl's brothers and father, well, the mine and all its riches would belong to them. Butthurt buys it hook, line, and sinker, never mind that the kids actually do love each other.

Another alien - Squidface - is out walking his dog when he comes upon the body of someone. This someone turn out to be Alex the Oldest and Billy is devastated about his son. Hearing news of the fight earlier in the evening, he heads out immediately to confront Son of Butthurt. The main lawkeeper, Clancy, begs him to let justice do its work but this isn't the post-apocalyptic old west for nothing. Their destination? Kenya's house of booze and boobs.

Nolan, with the exasperating habit of looking on the bright side of life, says it's enough money to eat and change clothes and by this he means engage Kenya in some afternoon delight leaving Irissa in the bar by herself but it's okay, she's journaling and drawing which is so not out of the ordinary in a brothel-bar. They emerge from an upstairs room to see the brewing fight below them. Nolan rushes downstairs, throws one of the kids out of his seat to pretend that he was gambling with Son of Butthurt. They've almost got things calmed down when another lawkeeper tries to put his hands on Nolan sending Irissa into assassin mode and from there, all hell breaks loose. When the smoke clears, Clancy the lawkeeper is the only casualty. Nolan offers that since he's a tracker by trade, he'd find the murderer...for a price. The deal is made with Irissa thrown into a jail with Deputy Lawkeeper Tommy for company and her caretaker. At this point, I'm kind of on-board with her sullenness.

Deputy Tommy tries to engage her as they seem to be of similar age and she flirts back by saying how she could have disarmed him, beheaded him and been halfway to Timbuktu if she had wanted to. Well then. He asks how she came to be with Nolan and her answer is chilling: he did the one thing she wasn't able to do. Kill her parents. No doubt this will come back into play again.

Nolan and his merry crew are investigating the scene of the crime and he's making some startling conclusions that add up to Mayor Amanda and Nolan tooling around in another Mario Kart. She's on the phone with her assistant Gentleman Ben and has to lie about something I couldn't hear because deaf. He in turn blows the power to the stasis field which was the only thing protecting the town from the mechanized threats known as the Volge. They catch up to Ben and beat the crap out of him when it becomes clear he was working for someone other than the mayor...or was he?

Nolan and Irissa are getting ready to get out while the getting is good when Nolan sees a line of children being led across the street and has a crisis of conscience. No such thing bother Irissa who says, I'm outta here and takes off with the newly acquired truck. Committed now, Nolan walks into the woods to dig up the blue soccer ball of power. The mayor is rallying the proverbial troops by paraphrasing Samwise Gamgee: This is a town worth fighting for! Everyone cheers and gets in line and they take their position. Just before all hell breaks loose, Nolan strolls back in with his soccer ball saying he's there to save their asses. The Doctor gets to work on trying to harness the power of the soccer ball and the townsfolk engage the Volge. Mayor Amanda take a hit and goes down but right before they are all overrun, the Volge are attacked from behind by the Fabulous Biker Boy aka Spirit Riders who hate the humans but hate the Volge even more. The leader of this brave attack? Irissa who didn't abandon Nolan after all. Doc finally gets something going and a huge power surge rolls through the Volge. Victory is theirs! The next day, Daughter of Billy and Son of Butthurt exchange rings which confuses Butthurt until Wife of Butthurt explains that it's a human custom, the actual wedding will come later.

Mayor Amanda asks Nolan to become a lawkeeper as he's handy to have around and the tension is simmering between them when he realizes Kenya is Amanda's sister. Well this is awkward. More awkward still is that with Gentleman Ben in a coma, they don't know who would have orchestrated this or why. Turns out, the former Mayor, Nicky, is running the show and promises mysterious glasses man that the survivors will thank them.

Irissa journals that her visions are becoming stronger and more detailed and we discover that it was a vision of Nolan in the park right before the aliens arrived she had had. Looks like they are staying put for a while.

A mishmash of themes and cliches and I found myself hoping that the humans would have been the shady ones; throw a stereotype on its ear but overall, a fascinating tale and I for one can't wait for the next leg of this journey.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Being Human Recap: Always a Bridesmaid Never Alive

In this, the penultimate episode of the season, we get some closure but more questions. Plus! A wedding! I love weddings. Free booze and all that....

Josh and Nora wake up lovey-dovey and very much nakey because Happy Wedding Day! They are very schmoopy with lots of kissing and it's all very beautiful and vomit-inducing. Meanwhile, Sally also awakes which, good. She made it to wedding day AND she's no longer hungry which means that the guests are not in mortal danger of being eaten. The bad news is that this means she is near the end and is so weak she can barely get out of bed. Essentially she is rotting from the inside out and knows her time is limited. Dying (again) doesn't scare her; it's the knowing that Mother Gothel Donna the Wicked Witch of Boston is waiting for her to shuffle off this mortal coil to claim her pay-off: Sally's soul. Because Sally has the best! friends! ever!, they won't allow that to happen but she has her doubts. How can they fight the witch? This is a lot to take in before breakfast...

Speaking of breakfast, Aidan is cooking something when Josh and Nora come downstairs to find the living room transformed into a gorgeous wedding chapel and their love and glee is palpable. Enjoy it while it lasts kids; soon enough you're reduced to sitting on the couch tweeting to the same people about some crazy show, hoping the other one will take care of the dinner dishes. Not that I would know anything about that. Ahem. Suddenly, a knock at the door! A nefarious enemy, come to wrench away their one chance at happiness? No, it's just Kat, Nora's maid of honor who's a bit early and just a little bit peeved after Aidan bolted following their one night in Bangkok. Actually, an enemy might be easier to face. Take it away Aidan!

While Aidan and Kat have the most awkward post one-night stand discussion ever, Nora heads upstairs to get Sally moving and sees her practically wasting away before her eyes. In a panic, she rushes back downstairs to rally the boys. Aidan refers to Kat as his girlfriend and the sound you just heard was a million hearts breaking at the same time. Nora gets rid of Kat so she, Josh, and Aidan can be with Sally as she passes. Again. They make Sally comfortable as she tries to hold it together for the wedding when Nora comes up with a simply brilliant idea: it's time for the Zombie High Fashion show! She had gone out shopping and bought Sally a number of dresses/outfits to try on so she wouldn't be forced to spend eternity in yoga pants and an unfortunate cardigan. While Sally serves as Nora's personal Zombie Doll, Josh is worrying about having a minister there, what with the decomposing bridesmaid and all. Aidan's all, no worries man, I got this. Turns out he's an ordained Unitarian minister who is authorized to perform weddings. Well isn't that just so damned convenient. I'm so glad that that Aidan is spending his immortality so wisely.

Nora and Sally settle on a short purple number and it does go very well with the ever-expanding sores and skin necrosis. She tucks Sally in again who assures her that this is not in fact IT. Yet. The rest of the gang head outside for a breather/strategy session when who should walk up but Sister Em who has been doing a lot of thinking (which looked way painful) and came to the conclusion that hey, I'm a lesbian, you're a werewolf, NBD. Josh is glad to see her and they hug it out at which point Josh lets her know that there might not be a wedding due to a re-death in the family and Emily is basically like, I am wearing a DRESS brainiac so you sure as shit are getting married today. It was very touching.

Yet turns out to be very very soon and Sally is ready but scared. She's loved having the time being real. She could hold someones hand and eat black and white cookies. She's trying to get the Latin pronunciation of the spell correct when Aidan jumps in (again) and coaches her. As she moves ever closer to the edge, he gently talks her through dying, calming her and comforting her and if anyone says that they did not tear up let alone cry outright they are a big fat lying liar who lies. Just before she goes Aidan gives her the gentlest smile and says, 'See you in a few minute.' No, I was not crying, it was allergies.

She comes back as a ghost, whole and perfect and wearing the bitchin' purple dress. Nora and Aidan smile while Josh looks around because he still can't see dead people. Sally asks about her body and that her boyfriend is an undertaker when Aidan smashes her rib cage and pulls out the heart which once belong to Ray. His reason? Spells take power from important things that contain your essence like hair and skin and apparently hearts. In no time at all, the door to Mother Gothel's Shifting Ghoulish Emporium appears and Aidan has to physically rip Josh from Nora to accompany Sally. Well, this isn't shaping up to be the wedding day she's dreamed of all her life.

Somewhere along the metaphysical highway, Josh and Aidan get separated from Sally. Aidan finds himself back in Ireland (?) and comes across his son Isaac who is the cutest little vampire ever seen. Josh ends up in the woods face to face with his inner wolf who rather than running away goes alpha on Josh. Then they both slam into the floor on the world's only disappearing soup kitchen behind Sally. A menacing figure emerges fro m the shadows - it's Zombie Ray who is clearly not thrilled that Aidan is holding his heart. Josh is all, I got this you guys, go take care of the Wicked Witch. Ray threatens Josh, Josh acts tough then gets the crapped kicked out of him. On the other side of the building, Sally is facing down Donna with her incantation and Donna basically laughs in her face. Aidan gets his butt kicked by magic again and Sally summons her inner strength to hurl the spell back on Donna again and again causing her to lose her youthful visage. Donna is gleeful over Sally's fight to exist as most spirits have given up by then so she looks forward to the delicious power. Josh somehow gets the upper hand on Ray and throws him back but instead of dying (again), Ray wolfs out to Zombie Ray-wolf. At this point I expected Josh to raise his fist to the sky and cry 'I have the POWER'  to call upon the Josh-wolf but alas, he doesn't. He does...something...which ends the Ray-wolf (again) and stumbles off to find Aidan and Sally.

Aidan remembers that hey! I still have the heart I ripped out of Sally's decomposing rib-cage so Im'ma just throw it in the fire right here. That coupled with Sally's incantations drive Donna to the floor but is she done? Oh no. She's like, is that all you got and regains her feet. Aidan somehow sets her on fire but instead of immolating, she embraces it like a lover then passes it to Sally. Josh and Aidan look on in horror while Sally tells first Aidan then Josh that she loves them and...explodes into tiny dusty Sally particles. Donna inhales deeply like a human Dustbuster and snorts Sally. Her youth returns and she looks very self-satisfied. Until her middle starts glowing hotter and hotter, kind of like she swallowed a noisy cricket, only larger. Satisfaction turns to horrified realization as Mother Gothel explodes in kind and is no more. Sally for the win within; all hail the purple dress!

The three amigos return to the brownstone triumphant and the wedding with one invisible guest takes place. In the excitement of actually getting married Nora forgot to write her vows so she plays it safe with an 'I love you' followed by an enormous face-suck.Everyone is happy and smiling and laughing but did someone forget about the newborn vampire in the basement? Poor Kenny, couldn't even enjoy his first wedding as of one the undead seeing as how Aidan tied him up. You know, just in case. The gang sees Josh and Nora off to their honeymoon and go off their separate ways. Emily is playing Smokey the Bear and goes to blow out the candles around the living room; Sally reappears in the house where the candelabra flares ominously. Kenny's transformation has gone the way of Emperor Palpatine which is not a good look on anyone, let alone a teenager. Is it the wolf blood Aidan ingested, protecting him but dooming all new vamps? Is it the purity of Kenny's blood that is incompatible with turning vamps? Both? Neither? Either way, that sucks dude. Should have stuck with the bone marrow transplant route.

Josh and Nora are in a cabin/motel (klassy!) for their honeymoon when Nora gets dressed to go out. Um, Nora, UR DOIN IT RONG. Outside she hears a chilling voice offering her congratulations. Oh, HAI Liam, now it's a party with Papa Wolf.

Season finale next week and so! many! questions! Is Mother Gothel really gone? How pissed is Kenny going to be when he finds himself the villain of Star Wars? How bad is Josh going to mess Liam up for interrupting his freaking HONEYMOON?

Monday, April 1, 2013

All of the tired is belonging to me

Alternate title: The Brain Cannot Convince The Body It's Not 22 Anymore aka I Still Make Very Dumb Decisions And I Wasn't Even Drunk. So yeah. It was a great weekend; we got to see practically the entire family and maybe even most important, finally got caught up on all the back to last year. No matter! Caught up. Onward and forward and all that good stuff. And with all that family stuff comes traveling and with traveling with young children comes stuff which becomes even more stuff when said travelling occurs over a holiday. The kids are 6 and 3; this isn't our first rodeo and yet.

Saturday began early as it usually does because my children do not understand the concept of 'sleeping in it's the weekend for chrissake' and 'really, Mommy and Daddy do not really want to be up right now so would you please consider sleeping in?' The only bright spot was the Noelle did not have dance class due to Spring Break BUT Dylan had a lot of errands to run before heading to his mom's house for Easter/birthdays. I lucked out and didn't have to bring anything this time but still, we were in a time crunch. As usual. The kids played with their cousins at my mother-in-law's house but it was a really nice day and her house is on the small side so we took the kids to a nearby park where we followed a stream to a beaver dam, chucked rocks at the water, hiked back to the grassy field and played Frisbee and football for well over an hour before heading back for dinner and visiting. Because Sunday was Easter and they were outside running around, they had a bath even though it was very late and got them to bed at 9. No SyFy movie was on, or at least, no SyFy movie that the usual gang was going to watch so I prepped the sweet potatoes for Easter dinner then jumped on the computer to finish creating the gift certificate for my dad's birthday then had to check Twitter. As one does.

Well, because the usual gang didn't have a movie to snark on, our fearless leader tweeted out that he was bored and did anyone want to [Google] hang-out. Having just gotten all the plug-ins figured out that morning, I said sure, why not so off to Google hang out I went. After a while, Dyl joined us sharing my ear buds and soon one, then another Snarkalec came to play. And it was hysterical; we had such a good time playing with the features, offering predictions for the Walking Dead to be aired the next night, harassing each other that before we knew it, 5 hours had flown by and 3 AM was staring us in the face. At that point common sense woke up and was all, 'oh shit. We've got 4 hours before the kids get up because EASTER!!!!' And sure enough, 7:06 am Noelle bursts into the room wanting to look for Easter baskets. Thank GOD I hadn't been drinking or that would have been painful *coughdrunkenbirthdaysleepovercough*.

A few (awake) hours later, it was time to go to my parents' house for the family Easter egg hunt and dinner and 356 eggs plus assorted baskets later, the kids were running around, playing with their cousins, we were visiting and time flew by, we barely noticed how tired we were. We got home a little after 8 (thanks stupid drivers who don't know how to merge), decided no baths, got the kids ready for bed and were downstairs for the season finale of The Walking Dead by 8:45. Straightened up the kitchen and living room a bit for my MIL who is watching Noelle during the first part of Spring Break this week and assumed our positions on the sofa. This was the first episode I had watched since the very first one but followed recaps and analysis so knew enough of what was going on to be dangerous. Dangerously snarky that is. What? Gotta get my fix somewhere. Anyway, after the show of commercials interspersed with a few shots of zombies and/or batshit insane Governors, the finale was over and time for bed. But not because one MUST follow it up with the analysis show the Talking Dead and hey! 11 pm! How good to see you and why in the name of Grilled Cheezus did I not take off Monday? Sob.

The only bright spot of today? I can finally eat again. A small consolation prize but I'll take it. And now if you'll excuse me, Im'ma hide under my desk the rest of the day zzzzzz.

Friday, March 29, 2013

When sleeping will ruin your day

I love sleep. I love everything about sleep: the putting on of the jammies, the crawling into bed, the snuggling into blankets until it's Just Right, the super-stretching accompanied by the body expressing it's extreme displeasure at going past it's breaking point and I'll-Show-Her-Leg-Cramp-of-Excruciating-Pain.... Enter: the Charlie Horse.

I lot these suckers all the time when I was pregnant with Noah and it was always after stretching in my sleep. You ever try bolting upright from a sound sleep 8 months pregnant with what can be best described as a 3 month old in your uterus? No? You should totally try it sometime; it's AWESOME. So last night I was leaving REM sleep to dive deep down into the...non-REM sleep and it happened. Stretched that gastrocnemius past the point of no return and it was the red circle of death. Even asleep I knew it was happening and couldn't stop myself from doing it; the stretch was just too delicious. Until it wasn't.

As is custom, I bolted upright to try to massage it away but...ended up getting tangled in the covers. So it's the middle of the night, my leg is taunting me and I can't get to it because I can't get free of the damn blankets. After an eternity of thrashing around but was probably only around 15 seconds I was able to apply the sweet sweet relief of massage, whispering sweet nothings to my throbbing calf, false promises of never ever EVER doing that again. Finally collapsed back against the pillows and tumbled back into the waiting arms of Morpheus though at that point I was really wishing it was Morphinius because OwOwOw.

Then I got up to exercise which was an absolutely brilliant move resulting in the least-sexy limp in the history of limping all because I'm a masochistic moron.

Related: I'm pretty sure Herschel could beat me in a circle race today.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Being Human: Everyone's a Hero

I missed the first 10 minutes of this week's episode finishing up the post that went up today so we're just gonna jump into where I picked up.....

Things are falling apart for Sally. Quite literally. The hunger for human flesh is growing stronger every hour meaning that the time is rapidly approaching where she becomes an acute danger to them all. Josh and Nora because they've become Ozzie and Harriett only...hairier...decide to move up their wedding date so Sally can attend and be reasonably assured of NOT eating the guests. They rush to Sally's room, giddy to share the news, when hey! Room's empty. Um. Shit. Looks like Sally is going out for lunch today. What'll it be: Italian? Thai? Chinese?  Nope. How about...dead.

Let's pretend that you were alive, then you were dead, then you came alive again but at the price of a terrible skin condition and managed to bed and fall in love with the virginal funeral director who gave you a job but then fired you and so in your hour of need run to him to profess your everlasting and undying love and oh, by the way, can I eat Ms. Hanover here? She's got no family and is going to be cremated so no harm no foul. Give us a kiss?

Oddly enough, Max the Former Virgin Funeral Director turns down her request even when she plays her trump card of trading away her soul so she didn't kill anyone else and she just wants to stay with him because she loves him. It was a good piece of pleading/logic and I thought that Max would cave because newly non-virgin men are slaves to the siren call of the poontang but as luck would have it, his gag reflexes kicked him in the short and curlies so Sally accepts it and they hug it out goes home to pout.

Aidan meanwhile is having a heart to heart with Kenny the Bubble Boy who is less than overjoyed to learn that a bone marrow match for him has been found and they can do a bone marrow transplant complete with chemo to kill off his white blood cells and pretty much incapacitate him until new marrow is generated so HE'S moving up the timetable deal with Aidan who clearly wants no part of turning yet another person and accepting responsibility for said person especially one who is under 18. Kenny then tells Aidan that he'll wait for Aidan's shift to be over, walk out and find Blake to turn him. FINE, Aidan huffs and just like that, the House on Boston street takes in another stray. Because they've had such a stellar track record thus far with them but whatever. First, however, Kenny wants to spend a day as a real teenager as his immunodeficiency precluded that from ever happening. He has 48 hours, max, to live without his bubble so onto his bucket list. The first item? Playing with a dog in the park. Okay, I can see how that would be a simply incredible pleasure after years of no contact with anyone/thing. The second?

Back at the house, Josh and Nora break the happy news that the wedding will be soon? ish? And what does this need? A bachelor party of course! Coordinated by none other than Josh's wedding-crashing sister of Sapphos, Emily. Yay! A Wedding! A Party! Let's go to a strip club! Cue Kenny: that's on MY bucket list! Well that certainly worked out nicely for everyone. Mostly Emily and Kenny. So off to the local strip club where absolutely NO ONE questions Kenny about being old enough to be there. Also: Bubble Boy looks a LOT like Henry as had been pointed out by Dylan. Thematic? Or coincidence? Hrmmm.  Kenny and Emily get a front row seat and Kenny is clearly jizzed jazzed to be there but gets slapped down by Emily for breaking the plane. 'You do NOT touch the strippers!'

Good sister that she is, she calls out Josh and Aidan for being weirdos for having such intense discussions in a strip club for chrissakes and buys Josh a lap dance. After all Josh is a pansy and isn't even having fun at his own bachelor party which, let's face it, was more for his sister. So Sadie is grinding on him and apparently having fun at his expense for the epic discomfort when hey! She vamps out to drain him because he's a wolf and she has needs. Aidan with his super keen spidey sense of sinister suckage, stakes here just in the nick of time. His mysterious stalker blocked his mind powers for a while. Sadie knew Josh was off limits but went after him anyway. Stay off drugs kids, drugs are bad.

Emily freaks out not that her friend just tried to kill her brother, oh no, but because Aidan killed Sadie. This forces Josh to explain the whole werewolf/vampire thing going on and OH! That's why you ran away. Instead of bonding over their outsider status (I'm a werewolf! I'm gay!) she seems kind of fixated on the dusting of her friend. Forest, trees. Guess she's going to boycott the wedding after all. Unless they serve vodka then all will be forgiven. But what about our lovely bride-to-be?

Back at the house Nora is talking to Sally through her door, trying to cheer her up by promising wine coolers. Sally is forlorn but perks up a little, 'wine coolers?' Nora unlocks a crapton of locks to be able to open Sally's door and pass her a refreshing adult beverage then locks her up tight again because Sally's hunger has grown to the point that no one is safe if she isn't contained. She's okay with this because she tells Nora that she really wants to be out there with her too but that she also really wants to eat her. Well that's...sweet. And guys' 'ears' everywhere perk up. Then in a painful effort to preserve a bit of normalcy they discuss wedding plans: hair, flowers, maid of honor. I'll be honest, this one made me feel feelings both hopeful and melancholy.

Kenny is having second-ish thoughts about being turned now and Aidan is trying to give him the pros and the cons in a very controlled, factual way. The thing is, Kenny's time is about up; the decision will be made for him. Either he is turned or he dies. So he squares his shoulders and takes the bite like a man.

Sally realizes that she really doesn't want to die and lose her soul to Donna the Wicked Witch of Boston so she gathers her peeps and off they trot to the soup kitchen. Which is no longer there. do you move an entire building, like it never existed. Dude, she's a witch, probably an Invisibility Cloak or something. Maybe a cloaking device. Regardless, it's not there so direct confrontation won't be in play. Yet. Time to call in the psychic! Whom you almost killed trying to survive an exorcism but let's let bygones be bygones.

But before she can go to the psychic, Sally needs some help so she doesn't end up eating someone she's asking to help her. That's just bad form. Aidan is in super hero save everyone mode so he marches into Sally's room, lifts up his shirt (WHANOGGY) and clearly steeling himself, tells Sally to eat him. Sally looks just as shocked as we are as Aidan tells her that he will heal and she needs to eat him. It is hilariously uncomfortable to watch and Sally leans forward to get a big bite...
"It's like biting a tire!"
"Stop flexing!"
"I can't help it; I'm nervous!"
And this right here might be my most favorite exchange between this characters ever.

Fortified, Sally goes off to find Alana who tells her that her only recourse is to become a ghost (again) and go through Donna's Door of Despair but she's strong so she might be able to beat Donna. "Strong like Harry Potter strong?" Well, no, not really, but in spirit: she's been through so much that as long as she makes peace/ties up loose ends in this life, she'll be ready to face anything. So Sally goes to see Max and confesses her love for him and that she wishes they could really be together. You know, for dating a decomposing zombie, Max is really taking this all in stride.

After becoming lunch, Aidan is wandering the streets of Boston, waiting for Kenny to wake up to his new life when Mysterious Stalker of Mystery appears. Is it Bishop? Is it Henry? Do not pass 'Go', do not collect $200. Why it is Professor Douche who rails at Aidan, 'Why did you do this to me?' Before Aidan stakes him, clearly having become The Chosen One. But he's not sexy Professor Douche; no, he's some kind of horribly disfigured monster that Aidan turned in his most recent blackout. Well that was most unfortunate. Really creeped out, Aidan rushes back home, terrified of what he has done to Kenny.

For some bizarre reason we are back in Alana's house in the middle of the night. She comes downstairs to investigate...something...when a man suddenly appears in her living room. She senses that there is a bad spirit inside of him and pleads with the guy to 'leave the poor girl alone'. No dice, the pieces are in motion and Donna will have her prize. Alana begins to exorcise the spirit from him when he snaps her neck muttering about the girl having chosen the wrong side.

Good to see you again too, Ray.