Thursday, April 25, 2013

Peter Pan is a Dick and Tinker Bell is a Jealous Harlot

You know what one of the best things about parenting is? Getting to share your childhood favorites with your kids - the movies, the books, the toys, the games...everything. So as Noah has been going through a huge phase of loving Jake and the Neverland Pirates on Disney Jr, Dyl and I decided to show the kids Peter Pan, you know, the movie on which this all was based and with an insane shoot-off fairy industry to boot. A perfect time to introduce the Disney classics! It's a no-brainer! What could possibly go wrong with this? SPOILER ALERT: EVERYTHING. Because it's a story of a boy who refuses to grow up so yeah, Imma have issues with it.

Where to begin? Oh, how about the beginning? I hear it's a very good place to start. Now granted, Wendy is the epitome of chatty, fluttery tween Victorian England, so one can almost forgive Peter as he waves off her look of butthurt at being told that 'girls sure do talk a lot' with a 'get on with it' which is fortunately directed at her sewing his shadow back on. (Shh. Try not to think too hard about it. I know.) ALMOST forgivable except that he displays NO MANNERS whatsoever and does not thank her for the mid-night fix up and instead invites her to come to Neverland to be his Mother thereby founding the Bad Boys Are So Sexy Club - Squee! Wendy, girlfriend, I really just want to throat punch you and if no one has made a knock off porno of this movie from her constant 'Oh, Peter!'s alone, well you missed a golden opportunity and I just can't help you.

Lest we forget our favorite fairy, Tinker Bell is no prize either. She's vain and has body image issues which are only exacerbated by getting stuck in the lock of the sewing box by her hips and thanks for that Walt! She takes an almost immediate dislike to Wendy and...on second thought, I'm with Tink on this one. Carry on. But she's mean and vindictive, putting the Darlings in mortal danger once in Neverland.... Oh, how did they get to Neverland? Peter just grabbed Tink, patted her butt to make it rain pixie dust on the kids and away they went. Another stellar example of Peter doing whatever he wants to get his way, everyone else be damned. AND NO ONE QUESTIONS IT. AT ALL. I have many feelings about this.

Once in Neverland, this sad, doomed triangle continues to play out: Peter needs to get his rocks off by challenging Captain Hook, leaves the kids in the hands of a mentally unstable fairy who might just be the original molding of Alex Forrest (I will not be ignored, Peter!)(in pixie speak of course.) who races ahead of them to the secret hideout with the intention of tricking the Lost Boys into shooting Wendy down. Tink shows no remorse for this action and the little psychopath struts away. Peter is angry with her for about 10 seconds then is all, 'Eh, she'll be okay. Come on!' Wendy, who clearly possesses the IQ of a turnip agrees, flying off with Oh Peter on an aerial tour of Neverland while the tagalongs her brothers John and Michael lead the Lost Boys in a game of Follow the Leader to find the Indians. There are several problems with this the first of which is that John and Michael have NO IDEA WHERE THEY ARE GOING. The second thing is that they  NEVER OPEN THEIR EYES while walking so how can you follow someone you can't see? (This is making my head all hurty). The third thing is that THEY are captured by the Indians because while planning strategy for capturing the Indians, THEY CLOSE THEIR EYES. GAH. John, you just suck at being the leader.

Wendy and Oh Peter come to Mermaid Lagoon and Oh Peter being the self-centered twit that he is, hops and flies down to where the mermaids are lounging on the rocks, basking in their attention leaving Wendy to clamber her way down as best she can. Oh Peter introduces her and the mermaids clearly having attended the Tinker Bell School of Etiquette start trying to pull her into the lagoon and splashing water all over her. Oh Peter nearly falls over laughing his damn fool head off but is alarmed when Wendy starts to fight back, quickly excusing the mermaids bad behavior as just having fun, right girls? Oh, totally, NBD. We'll braid each other's hair and be BFFs. Pinkie swear.

Captain Hook is sighted with the Indian Princess, Tiger Lily being rowed to Skull Rock by Mr. Smee and will be left to drown unless she gives up the location of the hidden Rebel base, er, Oh Peter's hideout. Because Oh Peter has a hero complex, he and Wendy fly off to investigate where once Hook leaves the cavern with Mr. Smee in charge of the prisoner, Oh Peter has a chance to show off his mimicry skills, never mind the tide coming in and Tiger Lily drowning...oh no. That takes a back seat to showing off how he can outwit Hook and earn Wendy's admiration for his cleverness.

Back at the Indian village, order is restored, the Princess is returned and everyone parties. Everyone that is, except Wendy as Oh Peter is paying attention to and rubbing noses with Tiger Lily and How Dare He! Ladies, when are you gonna learn? The boy's a playa. Tink is sulking. Again. Because now she has to compete with Wendy AND Tiger Lily for Oh Peter's affections and this is going to end badly for someone. In this case Tink who is captured by Mr. Smee and tricked into giving up the location of the hideout as Hook  promises to get rid of Wendy and not lay a finger - or a hook! - on Oh Peter. Tink believes him because she is dumb and desperate and: dumb so Hook and his merry band of miscreants surround the old tree and capture the Lost Boys and the Darlings as they emerge into the night. Oh Peter is left behind sulking because everyone is listening to Wendy now, not him, WHAT IS THIS FRESH HELL? and the good Captain lowers a bomb into the hideout, upholding the letter but clearly not the spirit of his agreement with Tink.

But then! Learnings! Enlightenment! Or something. Tink realizes Oh Peter's about to be Ackbarred, escapes and saves him, then they save the Lost Boys and the no-so-Darlings. One giant happy family, they fly back to London on a golden pirate ship and everyone lives happily ever after: Wendy grows up, Oh Peter does not and Michael brings home a cannonball souvenier.

Except for Tink because really, those hips are huge.

Thanks again Walt!


  1. You forgot to mention the highly racist portrayal of the Indians. BURNEMATSTAKE

    1. Well, yes. This is true. But it was more about how Peter Pan is an entitled dick and less about ALL THE THINGS WRONG with this movie.

      But I agree. COMPLETELY.


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