Thursday, May 23, 2013

Thursdays are the new Saturdays

Well, according to the SyFy channel they are. In a move that has greatly pissed off the legion of Tweeters known as the Snarkalecs, for the summer SyFy will not air movies - original or otherwise - on Saturday nights. Instead they will offer scripted shows that lasted one season each (Sinbad, Primeval: New World) at the snarking hour (9 EST, 8 CST) and show the movies on Thursday. In a bizarre bit of marketing, the genius who runs the @SyFyMovies twitter account tweeted:


So why? Why would you move original movies to Thursday nights but brand it as the SyFy Saturday movie? We already have Saturdays...on Saturdays. Making Thursdays into Saturdays rips a hole in the space/time continuum and leads to zombieism. Now, college kids can make Thursdays into Fridays but only if they don't their first class until after noon or have managed to give themselves Fridays off altogether. For the rest of us? Saturdays need to remain on Saturdays.

Have the Snarkalecs demonstrated such incredible twitter trending power that those in charge think that we'll live tweet the scripted shows that the network has already declared they will not produce more seasons of? Do they want to go up against prime time shows, even the reruns? Did a junior purchasing exec have too much Kool-Aid at the holiday party and now they need to quietly run out the clusterfuck?

We are good but on a work night? Everyone knows that snarking is lubed by booze. The worse the movie, the greater the booze consumed and the funnier the snarks.

You could have owned Saturday nights SyFy; we had it gift-wrapped for you but now you've gotten too big for your britches. We'll take our snark and go elsewhere.

Good day sir. I said GOOD DAY!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Defiance: Brothers in Arms

Previously on Defiance: Irisa tortured a creepy Castithan businessman then had regret-sex with Deputy Tommy while Nolan and Amanda re-enacted a Wild West hold-up gone horribly wrong.

A pudgy Castithan is being chased through the market by a steely-eyed tough guy. Cornered, he releases an energy blast from what appears to be a container of bubble solution. Diversion created, he tries to slink away  when Terry Tate, Office Linebacker Nolan flies through the air and tackles him causing Steely Tough to whine 'But that's MY bounty!' *Pouts* Steely Tough is none other than Buddy Eddie from the unit back in 'Nam. Nolan made the tackle so Nolan gets the prisoner; Eddie less than graciously agrees but demands booze and boobs in return. No worries Eddie, Nolan's got this.

Stitching the mad bomber up is Doc and our new friend Pol tries to recruit her to break him out of jail. Doc essentially rolls her eyes at him so off to Kenya's the bros go where of course they run into Irisa. Nolan should be really glad that Child Protection Services aren't around anymore. Eddie was there when Nolan rescued Irisa, natch, and Irisa glowers at 'Uncle' Eddie. Drink. Booze procured, Eddie starts looking for some boobs and eyes Kenya. Nolan is less than thrilled with this but hey, she's on the clock. Dolla dolla bills yo. Off they go upstairs when she 'remembers' that she already had another client scheduled but hey! I got you a consolation prize of a Six-Legged Monkey Crawl. To the surprise of no one, Eddie is more than okay with this.

Downstairs, Amanda and Kenya discuss Kenya's relationship with Nolan. Amanda basically says, 'Gurl, he's just that into you and you should go for it!' while Kenya looks doubtful. It appears she's regretting giving Nolan the rewards card.

Back at Lawkeeper Central, Irisa is sharpening her knife and glowering at the stone. Drink. Deputy Tommy comes in and tries to talk to her, inviting her over that night. Clearly he's looking for more than an one-afternoon stand but Irisa is not making any schnitzel for him. See kids, this is why work hookups are more trouble than they're worth. While having this heart to heart, someone drops a mysterious packet of flower food into Pol's cell and he asks for some salt and water. Tommy gets it for him and they leave...with Pol close behind after blowing up the cell.

In the Mayor's office, Amanda argues with Nolan over who has jurisdiction over Pol - them or Eddie. He's loyal to his friend but will back up his mayor. This may all be moot when Government Agent Suave guy comes in also wanting Pol and with apparent relationship baggage tied to Amanda. Amanda makes a deal for goods for Pol - which will be difficult to collect on since he's disappeared.

Former Mayor Nicki has not left town for the golf courses of Florida after all and accosts Quentin in the trailer diner working on the puzzle of the golden bearclaw. She attempts to sweet talk him, calling him the smart one and asking questions about the golden bearclaw as Hipster Glasses watches nearby. Quentin takes news of the conversation home to Rafe who tells him to throw the bearclaw down the mineshaft and melt it. If Nicky is interested in it then it can't be good and if Rafe is acting intelligently, then the end is nigh and we are all doomed.

Pol returns to the scene of the blast to reclaim his bag from where he stashed it at the haberdashery. It may be the post-apocalyptic world but damn it, we will have hats! The good man running the stall is compensated with a silver disc of doom that is not money but does kill him because clearly: werewolf. Or Pol is a sociopath. Could go either way at this point.

Pol tracks down the most ego-maniacal powerful Castithan he can find: Datak. In that all white house, if they close their eyes you could have a helluva game of 'Marco Polo'. Pol needs to get out of town and to do that, he needs Datak's assistance. Datak, who is only mostly a fool, does not want to undermine the life he has carved out - people are RESPECTING him, DAMMIT, but Pol appeals to his vanity. Surprisingly, Datak tells Pol to get out but look, Pol brought dinner that looks a lot like chicken cacciatore. Aw, how sweet. It tastes of home. Datak pulls a gun and tries to throw Pol out of the house when inexplicably his hand starts to shake. Pol twists his ring and Datak falls to the floor in abject pain. The stew, it was booby-trapped! Really, Pol? You are a hotshot weapons person and you develop a ring to give a person gastrointestinal distress? I can do that too; it's called ordering Chinese take out.

Quentin is trying to be a good son and dispose of the golden bearclaw when Luke's shot appears and tells him not to do it. So he doesn't. Sigh. None of the McCawley's are very bright apparently.

Eddie and Nolan trace pol to Datak's because hello Castithan profiling. Datak is nice and helpful but they don't find Pol. Pol asks Datak to get him over the boundary out of Defiance - to the Boss Hogg mobile! But because this is opposite day, the Dukes give chase in the post-apocalyptic General Lee. Nolan is increasingly suspicious of Eddie but the bromance is strong and chooses not to listen to, oh, I don't know, EVERYBODY.

Hipster Glasses has broken into the McCawley's house looking for the Golden Bearclaw. Quentin comes home helpfully holding the bearclaw and they struggle; Quentin is tased. HG takes the bearclaw but while he's admiring his prize, Q wakes up and egged on by Ghost Luke, chokes HG to death. Luke gives Q a paranormal high five because if you don't listen to the ghost of your older brother who made very questionable life choices, you get your teenager card revoked.

Nolan and Eddie overtake Pol and Datak because everyone knows that the General Lee can outrun Boss Hogg's POS. Irisa and Tommy take Datak back to Defiance but not before leaving Eddie w/ another glower. Drink. There's a 3-way bitchfest with Pol whining/bragging how everyone wants him for his weapony ways; Eddie wants Pol for the bounty money, Nolan wants Pol back in jail. Nolan goes all 'I'm taking my ball and going home' and takes care of the issue by killing Pol. Eddie goes nutso that Pol was his meal ticket, he has no money, nothing to live for talkycakes. Eddie pulls a gun on Nolan to make HIM the bounty because of Irisa. Unbelievably Nolan talks his way out of this mess then proceeds to give Eddie a get out of jail free pass in return for telling the collective that Irisa is dead to keep her safe and Eddie pulls a gun on him. Nolan ends up on the wrong side of the gun a lot for a Lawkeeper. Marshal Mysterious arrives and is apoplectic that Pol is dead. Eddie takes the blame and is thrown into the unmarked rover but has the packet of mysterious powder and asks for water and salt. That's it; everyone in the future is going to be forced to retake Science 101.

Nolan goes back to find Kenya who shockingly enough did not take Amanda's advice and dumps him for not being her type. I thought that anyone with a dick would be her type but whatever. Does this mean Nolan has to pay her now?

Quentin is back in the mines throwing HG down the mineshaft as Ghost Luke cheers him on.  Ghost Luke is kind of an ass. You know, Quentin's pretty handy in a crisis. I think that I want him on my team. He has one last chance to dispose of the golden bearclaw forever but alas, cannot bear to part with his precious. He does however, sneer at the hipster glasses before tossing them into the shaft of despair. What have we learned today? Hipsters meet with grizzly ends. You heard it here first kids.

The showdown between Eddie and Nolan was a bit anticlimactic but I loved how Nolan went Indiana Jones on Pol's ass proving he's not entirely useless.

Next week: Will Amanda make a play for Nolan? Can Irisa not glower at someone? And who is Stahma confessing to?

Monday, May 20, 2013

Star Wars claims another two victims

Sigh. The conversion to the Dark Side is complete. It's official: my kids are certifiable Star Wars nuts.

The Force is with force.
In the past 3 weekends, we have watched Episode IV roughly 4 times, Episode V approximately twice, Episode VI two or three times and Episode I for the first time yesterday. They have been clamoring to watch  one of the movies every day since they first saw it, foiled only by it being a school night and Mama didn't raise no fools. In what is either my most brilliant parenting move or most regrettable, I got them each a Star Wars umbrella featuring the Man himself on the handle.

If you're a badass and you know it, do the Force-choke

They were enraptured! Enthralled! In strictly-platonic love! Until Noah started using the handle as a lightsaber and suddenly the battle of the Death Star was on in my family room. Many southwestern decorations almost died to bring this re-enactment to life. Second only to Darth Vader love is the Master himself.

When 900 years old you reach, crap as easy you will not.
With the 'pewers' a distant third.

We're armed...and unable to hit a single fucking thing.
The discussions! The questions! We are living in a geekster's paradise my friends. And it is glorious. They weren't too impressed with a young Anakin but Qui Gon and Padme's hair? Aw yeah. Then, HE appeared.

TWO lightsabers in one?! Mind. Blown.
As of this morning, Noah was walking around with two orange glowsticks as he is clearly Darth Maul now. I for one cannot wait until Noelle sees a female Jedi. Girlfriend will lose her mind.

Maybe not.
Look out Star Wars universe, there are new enthusiasts in town and not even the Force will slow them down.. 

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Defiance: The Serpent's Egg

Previously on Defiance: Mommy issues! Soothed Albino Butthurt! 20th century St. Louis cave paintings! Let's do this.

When the only reminder around that St. Louis was once the Gateway to the West is the structurally questionable Arch, it makes perfect sense to set up your radio station from there as everyone knows that radio waves  travel straight down (Science!) and thank goodness that Alak Tarr had the foresight to do just that. And it is from this vantage point he spots the supply truck entering the town and spreads the happy news. In a scene right out of and Black Friday ever, the townsfolk surround the truck and I can't believe how relieved I am that some of our ancient customer survived the alien apocalypse.

Mayor Amanda is heading out of town with a case full of money with Marshal Lawkeeper Nolan riding alongside for security/prisoner transport of Rynn (Spirit 2) leaving Defiance in the hands of Deputy Tommy and Irisa who I'm sure is just itching to continue the path of personal growth she demonstrated in The Devil In The Dark. I'm sure that Kenya is thrilled about this. Amanda spots a vacuum cleaner salesman ambassador and does her best to not make eye contact but alas, must converse. Refreshingly Amanda tells the ambassador that she really doesn't want to talk to her but oh look! They'll be sharing the same transport. How cozy. Nolan gets Rynn secured on board and she promptly relieves the pig-dwarf of his pen. Sigh. Hubris will the downfall of them all.

The transport is barely out of town when Irisa spots a well groomed Castithan gentlemen enter Kenya's establishment and like any good Lawkeeper in Training, immediately tails him. Those contacts have got to be hella-uncomfortable as her eyes does not blink. Most likely to keep the lenses in but still. She confronts the visitor - Dago - outside and when he doesn't confess to...something, she kicks the crap out of him and drags him into a basement. As one does.

Stop me if you've heard this one before: A priest, a bigamous ambassador and a Lawkeeper are traveling together.... Barbs are exchanged, souls are attempted to be saved, jailbreaks are underway and awkward banter with your paramour's older sister are had. Finally, naps are taken and pens are disassembled. Manacles are released and oops! guns are drawn against heads. Manacles are reapplied, contraband is secured by getting to second base and life goes on. Until it doesn't. For the driver. He must have been wearing a red shirt.

Back in the basement of despair, Irisa is going through the visitors case - which appears to be trinkets and odds and ends for sale - all the while haranguing Dago that it! is! him! He of course is all no! I'm! not! He is not the Castithan you are looking for. Irisa is having none of it and holds up a very incriminating pendant. Well, it certainly is incriminating in the 'dear god, would anyone really wear that?!' way. Dago is clearly thinking 'bitch be crazy' and we are maybe kinda inclined to agree with him. She finally loses patience and stomps out leaving him there.

On the bus, Red Shirt has been relieved of his blood courtesy of a gun and the announcement of This Is A Stick Up. How did they know? Aha! An accomplice on the inside! Was it Rynn with the Boob Bic? The Ambassador with husbands Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum? The priest with the Gideons bible? The priest, of course. It is known that holy men are up to no good. It is known. Marauder One grabs Tweedle Dum's family jewels and finding them...lacking, shoots him. Guess not all stereotypes are grounded in truth. Well that solved the bigamy issue. Marauder Two and Fr. McBackstabber look to escape with the money. Things happen, a safety pin is dropped and Rynn has yet another lock pick in her possession while the ambassador is kidnapped by the horde. Seriously people, keep track of your stuff or you could be the one setting criminals free.

Wherever Irisa is, you know Tommy can't be far behind and he's not as he spots her disappearing down an alleyway with a bag she is careful to keep far away from her body. He follows her because he is no fool and forces his way into the secret basement of torture. Where he's promptly handcuffed to a radiator. Jeez Tommy, I thought you knew her. Let this be a lesson to you kids; think with the upstairs brain, not the downstairs one. Dago is begging to be released, Irisa is screaming that he's the one who tortured her long ago and Tommy looks like he'd rather be anywhere than where he is. He attempts to inject some rationality into the proceedings and oh hon, too little too late. She pulls a snake out of the bag and lets it have at Dago. Tommy is clearly thinking that there is NO WAY this is going in the report when Dago begins laughing like a crazy man and...confessing! The venom cleared his mind, tore away the facade he had constructed and it was all true! Her parents gave her to his secret circle and while her parents watched, they tortured her to unleash her power. All that remained was to sacrifice a supplicant. As someone's hand closed over Irisa's to guide the knife, Nolan's commando team bursts in to take out the circle and save her. Nolan releases her and holds out his arms so she can run to him for safety. All snark aside, this was a terrific portrayal of a very young, scared and confused Irisa. So that's how she ended up with Nolan. Dago still wants to be a kingmaker and Tommy is very willing to allow him to be the sacrifice but Irisa shows more personal growth and stops him, leaving Dago with his failure, limping out of town to the unmarked van of shame.

There's a standoff in the old west with the bandits holding the open ground and the law with the truck. They finally decide that they are sitting ducks in the truck (ORLY?) But no worries, they have a plan! One that includes Nolan doing the hostage negotiations (dafuq?) and Amanda doing the recon/sniper act. Even in fashionable footwear she gets the drop on the Marauders sniper, allowing Nolan the upper hand. They've rescued the ambassador and her remaining husband! Except she's in with the Marauders and is about to leave Nolan, Amanda and Tweedle Dee in the wilderness when Houdini Rynn shows up and gets the drop on HER because there is honor among thieves. Wisely, Nolan and Amanda decide yanno, let's just leave it at time served. Tweedle Dee shows balls and asks very very meekly for Rynn to take him the hell away from there. Nolan and Amanda drag the ambassador's ass back to Defiance to put her on another transport...anywhere. Because they are decent people and whatnot. This kindness is repaid by Ambassabitch requesting any and all information about Amanda on her desk by COB or there'll be hell to pay.

Irisa and Tommy are decompressing in the Lawkeeper's office when Tommy awkwardly tries to tell Irisa how much he likes her, that he has hidden pain too. Shockingly enough, Irisa picks up what he's laying down and does the only sensible thing: jumps his bones. All well and good but really kids, couldn't you have moved into a cell? I shudder to think what is on those floors... This will certainly make the next work day super comfortable for everyone as Nolan and Amanda are relaxing at Kenya's who I'm sure is delighted to see her big sister being flirty with her...semi-john? Man, the holidays are sure gonna be awkward this year.

Next week: What will happen to Tommy and Irisa's relationship? Is Irisa's latent power tied to her visions? How can Christie see Alak at the top of the Arch? See you next week, same bat-time, same bat-channel.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Defiance: A Well Respected Man

When last we left the good folks of Defiance, the Hellbugs had been contained and the golden bear claw of Antioch had been found though there was some discussion as to whether it really was a fritter but no matter.

Nolan and Irisa bust a couple of the most hopeless Irathient hoodlums ever for gun running and one would think that the town council would be overjoyed by this This was actually an approved scheme to get Votan weapons into Defiance to defend against the ever-present attack of the Volge as the stasis field is, well, no more. Any guesses who the middleman is? Go on, take a 'stab' at it. No? Very well, Datak, he of the New Wave band Albino Butthurt, coordinated the purchases which Amanda's pet Lawkeeper put a stop to and the council is quite put out about it. Amanda rightly asks well how was I supposed to know if you don't tell me?! And is roundly scolded by Rafe that it was 'need to know' and she didn't need to know. Um. 'kay.

After a long day of being the hard-charging Lawkeeper, Nolan goes for a little R and R courtesy of Kenya and her duct tape bra of wonder. She's wookin' per nub and so ratchets up their relationship by comping his ride.

Amanda's bad day is about to get worse when a citizen stops her on the street complaining about how her husband as been availing himself of Kenya's charms. When Amanda tells her it's perfectly legal and maybe she ought to check herself, the woman pulls the 'what would your mother think!' line that sends Amanda into a flashback of her and her mother scavenging a burnt out bus during an attack and comforting a very young Kenya with the medal of 'St. Finnegan' (patron saint of brothels and booze). She comes back to the present and completely bitchslaps the bitch. Amanda dear, I know that you are new to this 'mayor' thing but one does not usually strike one's constituents when one will have to ask for their vote. Just a thought.

Now completely wound up, Amanda bursts into Kenya's room and loudly berates her for her choice in careers because let's share the misery people! After ogling a shirtless Nolan first of course because:  priorities. Amanda departs in high dudgeon and Kenya is informed of a theft from a client by one of her workers. Girlfriend takes off into the sketchy part of town with the duct taped wonder close behind. She's looking to score a hit when Kenya arrives to drag her back but they are both interrupted by the arrival Ulysses - the bioman Nolan fought and immobilized when he arrived in town. Apparently Ulysses holds grudges and so takes the ladies captive and throws them into the unmarked van.

As it's not an episode without daddy issues, Quentin and Rafe nearly come to blows in the mine when Quentin wants to explore L7 where Luke had been working. Rafe forbids him and Quentin calls him out that Dad just doesn't trust in him like he did Luke. Quentin leaves, not in anger but in sadness and if Rafe ever wrote a book called, 'Be An Awesome Parent By Always Doing the Exact Opposite of What I Do' he'd make his fortune. Again.

Amanda realizes that Kenya is missing and they track her to Ulysses. Who is employed by Datak so this should go over swimmingly. And indeed, Datak refuses to help find Kenya as he has been insulted - Insulted!- by the complete lack of respect afforded to him after so nobly assisting the town by coordinating weapons purchases. Never mind that he knifed Brave Sir Robin and left him as a doormat for the Lawkeepers.  Stahma catches up with Amanda to help and suggests that as there is an open council seat, maybe she could appoint Datak and soothe the butthurt with a show of respect as no one wants anything bad to happen to Kenya as everyone in town loves her. Stahma is calm and diffident but her eyes, oh her eyes. They are dead eyes, like dolls' eyes.

The next day is opposite day as now Nolan and Datak are buddy buddy cops getting information on Ulysses's operation from various sectors. Amazingly enough, Datak is the rational and thoughtful one with his finger on the pulse of the town; clearly this is someone you want on your side. If only he wasn't such a raging fuckwad the other 95% of the time.

Turns out that when you are hard-pressed for drugs in the apocalyptic future, necessity is the mother of invention. Or at least syringes and Chem 101 gear to harvest adrenaline. The lab rat Miko is understandably apoplectic at the sight of Kenya because the Mayor's missing sister is kind of a big thing but eh, no time to quibble about morals now. Kenya awakes locked in a room and rouses the other girl. They make a break for it, being covert and sneaky to avoid the Volge patrolling the corridors and it totally would have worked except for the whole breathing really really loudly in small confined spaces piece. She has girlie grab hold of her St. Finnegan's medal to realize, that wait, this isn't real because she dropped that outside Not So Good Humor Truck of Terror. She comes to and removes the needle that was extracting the adrenaline from her brain and it is all very Matrix-like. She whacks Miko on the head with a flask and being either extraordinarily lucky (or doomed - depending on your point of view) a piece of glass cuts Miko's jugular which enrages Ulysses 'Oh My God, You Killed Miko!' To the surprise of absolutely no one, Nolan, Irisa, Deputy Tommy and Amanda arrive and rescue Kenya.

Quentin and Rafe mend their relationship over talk and the golden bear claw and Rafe confesses that he already lost Luke and Christie, he can't lose Quentin too. They will explore L7 - and get answers about what Luke was up to - together. What's gonna work? Teamwork.

Kenya, in a fit of generousness, did not fire Thievy McRunaway. No, she's still employed and Kenya calls her over to give her the medal of St. Finnegan - the patron saint of lost children. Thievy takes one look at it and calls it what it is: St. Christopher, the patron saint of lost things explaining that she had been raised by nuns and okay, fine. We'll go with it. Catholic education can send one over the edge. Deducing that Amanda may not have been exactly truthful with her about their mother, she goes for answers. Turns out, all those years ago when Mommy Dearest and Amanda were scavenging, there was an attack. Mom panicked and ran, insisting that Kenya could find them later when Amanda protested leaving her little sister behind. Mom basically said 'peace out' and hightailed it out of there right quick. Amanda took the medallion of St. Christopher and not knowing anything about it, gave it the name of the man wearing it: Finnegan. Rather than being pissed at being lied to for so many years that their mother was dead and wanted Kenya to have the medallion, Kenya's tearfully amazed that Amanda would come back for her. Um, because you're my sister dummy.

Down in the mines, Rafe turns off the safety bars and he and Quentin enter L7. They come upon paintings featuring the golden bear claw and I had no idea that 21st century St. Louis had hieroglyphics but hey! The show is both fun AND educational.

Amanda introduces the newest member of the council and it's none other than our good buddy Unstable Albino Vampire Datak! So she did take Stahma's 'suggestion' proving once again that Stahma is Puppet Master Extraordinaire. And only Nolan seems to have realized this: the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

So: we've had illegal arms shipments, underground drug labs and political intrigue. All we need is a hooker with a heart of gold and....oh. Wait. Never mind. But! Where is Former Mayor Nicki? Why did she resign? Is anyone going to fix that stasis field? And how best to eat that bear claw? Questions for next week I suppose.