Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Defiance: The Devil in the Dark

Previously on Defiance: sides were chosen, lines were drawn and the golden brooch of Antioch was found. Let's do this!

A human has sneaked into the woods to retrieve...a pair of red running shoes. He laces them up and pops in some ear buds (good to know that iPods can survive the apocalypse. Well played, Steve Jobs. Well played indeed.) and plunges into the woods for a refreshing run while motorcycles pass him heading into town. He's maybe 100 yards into his run when he notices bushes rustling ominously and stops to look around because of course he does. Cautiously, he starts again when he is attacked by an unknown assailant and dragged away thus proving once again that dead men wear red.

You know what this series has been lacking? Brothel action. So off to Kenya's House of Booze and Boobs we head and are treated to the sight of something sizzling in oil and an older balding human man wearing what appears to be a diaper and chained to the bed as his...host...of the day pours the hot oil on his chest and rubs it in good. There is NO WAY I'm Googling that fetish. NO. Way. Super Diaper Man is really getting into this type of play and his dominatrix is doing a pretty poor job of fulfilling his fantasies as she doesn't stop looking at the clock. I kind of want to pat her head and tell her that the cooking of the breakfast comes AFTER but you go on with your bad self there girlfriend. Super Diaper Man has very poor self control to the delight of Julia Child when his ribs inexplicably start coming out of his chest and I shall hereby dub him Crispy McInside-Out. Hm. Perhaps she should have used a low-smoke oil instead. No matter.

In the town square, Irisa seems to be practicing a form of tai chi with a knife and a butterfly when a vision overtakes her. An Irathient child and her parents being attacked. This understandably knocks her for a loop and the butterfly hastens away. Ambling through town, she comes across two of the Spirit Riders that assisted with the defeat of the Volge from the pilot. They've clearly not left town yet and may be looking to put down roots. The leader who is wearing what appears to be a skinned Muppet on his shoulder goes to talk to the Mayor who offers official welcome and the directions to Rafe's house as apparently there is some dispute of the parts of the land ownership of the mines. Good thing that won't affect Christie's wedding to Alak Tarr.

Across town in the Castithan section, Christie has moved in with the Tarrs and to express her thanks for supporting her engagement to Alak, has made them dinner. Mmm, crown roast of otter. Stahma is very gracious and encouraging. Datak, well, he insults Christie's cooking in Castithan which of course she is learning so hey! Awkward! She leaves the table in distress, Alak chases after her but not before letting Datak know that he done fucked up real good. Datak is defensive and grumpy and Stahma moves to smooth it over, trying to explain the gesture on Christie's part to be one of family and etc. Datak grumps that Alak needs to get control over his soon-to-be wife because that is the Castithan way and you can practically HEAR Stahma roll her eyes because yeah Datak, you are TOTALLY in charge. Alak catches up with Christie on the veranda and tries to soothe her when vicious hissing and clicking sounds erupt from the night! Giant...Spider-Lobsters called Hellbugs are attacking and her screams bring Datak and Stahma running as she tried to fight it off with a lamp stand. MacGyver she ain't but points for trying to stay alive and all that. Now fighting monsters? Oh hells yeah and Datak leaps to it with an almost fiendish glee. In a short time he struts out of the house, the Castithan equivalent of testosterone flooding off of him in waves. As grateful Christie is to him to still be alive, I doubt she'll be joining the Fun Family Bath Nights anytime soon. Revenge is a dish best served with a side of shut-the-fuck-ups.

Meanwhile Doc Yewll had diagnosed the case of massive inside-outness as an attack by a Hellbug and once Nolan, Irisa and Deputy Tommy heard that there was an attack on Christie at the Tarrs, they race to Rafe McCawley's house to find the Tarrs there with Christie seemingly making peace when the good Doc orders her to strip and shower like yesterday and burn the clothes she was wearing as they had been saturated with Hellbug pheromones, drawing the bugs in to attack. Who would do such a thing? And why? And what is with the obsession with bathing in this show? The answer may lie in Irisa's visions...

While Irisa runs away followed by Deputy Tommy (reporting for babysitting duty, Sir!), the mayor, Rafe and assorted mine folks sit down to pour over old papers as to who holds the rights to the land the mine is partially situated on. Tommy lost Irisa (worst babysitter ever) so Nolan tracks her down to a field where the visions become more and more intense leaving her a weeping shell of herself. Nolan can't help her as he's only a human so she goes to King Muppet Rider for Irathient advice which dovetails nicely with what he needs as his second in command has disappeared. This advice appears to require most everyone to partially disrobe and take hits off the sacred bong. What this does do is to focus her visions and like the Pensieve from Harry Potter, places her in the scene with anyone seeing her. She sees the Irathient girl living with her parents in the same field where she just collapsed when two humans appear. To the surprise of no one, they are Red Runs No More and Crispy McInside-Out who slaughtered the child's parents and attempted to kill her too. The child? King Muppet's lost second. When the vision ends, the Lawkeepers plus the Irathients make their way down to Old St. Louis in the minds to find her...as well as the lair of the Hellbugs which she called to exact revenge upon those who killed her family for their land. Now where have we heard this story before....?  The Hellbugs are big and fearsome but also blind and deaf (kind of like me) navigating almost entirely by smell (wait...) so how does one hide from the Spider-Lobsters? Coat oneself in Hellbug sthaka of course. They find the lost Spirit Rider and Irisa attempts to talk sense into her. When Irisa is the one being calm and rational, you know the crazy has been cranked to 11. Shots are exchanged, hostages and taken and Hellbug central is blown up. Huzzah.

Spirit 2 has been thrown into jail while Rafe and King Muppet come to an agreement on the land: Rafe returns the land to the Irathients who then agree to lease it back to the McCawley's for the mining activities so everyone wins? Sort of? At any rate, the party moves back to the brothel-bar where Nolan is reunited with Kenya and folks are happy. Except for Red Runs No More, Crispy McInside-Out and the Brave Sir Robin who was left outside the Lawkeeper offices last week and really? We're not even going to get into that? Fine. So: Christie and Rafe have repaired their relationship even though she's still living with the Tarrs, Nolan worries about Irisa and her visions, the Irathients got their revenge but that might not be enough and still no one knows who ordered Ben to blow the stasis field. That's what next week is for folks.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Peter Pan is a Dick and Tinker Bell is a Jealous Harlot

You know what one of the best things about parenting is? Getting to share your childhood favorites with your kids - the movies, the books, the toys, the games...everything. So as Noah has been going through a huge phase of loving Jake and the Neverland Pirates on Disney Jr, Dyl and I decided to show the kids Peter Pan, you know, the movie on which this all was based and with an insane shoot-off fairy industry to boot. A perfect time to introduce the Disney classics! It's a no-brainer! What could possibly go wrong with this? SPOILER ALERT: EVERYTHING. Because it's a story of a boy who refuses to grow up so yeah, Imma have issues with it.

Where to begin? Oh, how about the beginning? I hear it's a very good place to start. Now granted, Wendy is the epitome of chatty, fluttery tween girl...in Victorian England, so one can almost forgive Peter as he waves off her look of butthurt at being told that 'girls sure do talk a lot' with a 'get on with it' which is fortunately directed at her sewing his shadow back on. (Shh. Try not to think too hard about it. I know.) ALMOST forgivable except that he displays NO MANNERS whatsoever and does not thank her for the mid-night fix up and instead invites her to come to Neverland to be his Mother thereby founding the Bad Boys Are So Sexy Club - Squee! Wendy, girlfriend, I really just want to throat punch you and if no one has made a knock off porno of this movie from her constant 'Oh, Peter!'s alone, well you missed a golden opportunity and I just can't help you.

Lest we forget our favorite fairy, Tinker Bell is no prize either. She's vain and has body image issues which are only exacerbated by getting stuck in the lock of the sewing box by her hips and thanks for that Walt! She takes an almost immediate dislike to Wendy and...on second thought, I'm with Tink on this one. Carry on. But she's mean and vindictive, putting the Darlings in mortal danger once in Neverland.... Oh, how did they get to Neverland? Peter just grabbed Tink, patted her butt to make it rain pixie dust on the kids and away they went. Another stellar example of Peter doing whatever he wants to get his way, everyone else be damned. AND NO ONE QUESTIONS IT. AT ALL. I have many feelings about this.

Once in Neverland, this sad, doomed triangle continues to play out: Peter needs to get his rocks off by challenging Captain Hook, leaves the kids in the hands of a mentally unstable fairy who might just be the original molding of Alex Forrest (I will not be ignored, Peter!)(in pixie speak of course.) who races ahead of them to the secret hideout with the intention of tricking the Lost Boys into shooting Wendy down. Tink shows no remorse for this action and the little psychopath struts away. Peter is angry with her for about 10 seconds then is all, 'Eh, she'll be okay. Come on!' Wendy, who clearly possesses the IQ of a turnip agrees, flying off with Oh Peter on an aerial tour of Neverland while the tagalongs her brothers John and Michael lead the Lost Boys in a game of Follow the Leader to find the Indians. There are several problems with this the first of which is that John and Michael have NO IDEA WHERE THEY ARE GOING. The second thing is that they  NEVER OPEN THEIR EYES while walking so how can you follow someone you can't see? (This is making my head all hurty). The third thing is that THEY are captured by the Indians because while planning strategy for capturing the Indians, THEY CLOSE THEIR EYES. GAH. John, you just suck at being the leader.

Wendy and Oh Peter come to Mermaid Lagoon and Oh Peter being the self-centered twit that he is, hops and flies down to where the mermaids are lounging on the rocks, basking in their attention leaving Wendy to clamber her way down as best she can. Oh Peter introduces her and the mermaids clearly having attended the Tinker Bell School of Etiquette start trying to pull her into the lagoon and splashing water all over her. Oh Peter nearly falls over laughing his damn fool head off but is alarmed when Wendy starts to fight back, quickly excusing the mermaids bad behavior as just having fun, right girls? Oh, totally, NBD. We'll braid each other's hair and be BFFs. Pinkie swear.

Captain Hook is sighted with the Indian Princess, Tiger Lily being rowed to Skull Rock by Mr. Smee and will be left to drown unless she gives up the location of the hidden Rebel base, er, Oh Peter's hideout. Because Oh Peter has a hero complex, he and Wendy fly off to investigate where once Hook leaves the cavern with Mr. Smee in charge of the prisoner, Oh Peter has a chance to show off his mimicry skills, never mind the tide coming in and Tiger Lily drowning...oh no. That takes a back seat to showing off how he can outwit Hook and earn Wendy's admiration for his cleverness.

Back at the Indian village, order is restored, the Princess is returned and everyone parties. Everyone that is, except Wendy as Oh Peter is paying attention to and rubbing noses with Tiger Lily and How Dare He! Ladies, when are you gonna learn? The boy's a playa. Tink is sulking. Again. Because now she has to compete with Wendy AND Tiger Lily for Oh Peter's affections and this is going to end badly for someone. In this case Tink who is captured by Mr. Smee and tricked into giving up the location of the hideout as Hook  promises to get rid of Wendy and not lay a finger - or a hook! - on Oh Peter. Tink believes him because she is dumb and desperate and: dumb so Hook and his merry band of miscreants surround the old tree and capture the Lost Boys and the Darlings as they emerge into the night. Oh Peter is left behind sulking because everyone is listening to Wendy now, not him, WHAT IS THIS FRESH HELL? and the good Captain lowers a bomb into the hideout, upholding the letter but clearly not the spirit of his agreement with Tink.

But then! Learnings! Enlightenment! Or something. Tink realizes Oh Peter's about to be Ackbarred, escapes and saves him, then they save the Lost Boys and the no-so-Darlings. One giant happy family, they fly back to London on a golden pirate ship and everyone lives happily ever after: Wendy grows up, Oh Peter does not and Michael brings home a cannonball souvenier.

Except for Tink because really, those hips are huge.

Thanks again Walt!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Defiance: Down in the Ground Where The Dead Men Go

How about that pilot? Something else, huh. Well, we've got a lot to discuss so let's get to it. There wasn't a tremendous amount of action in the episode but there was a good deal of exposition and better identifying the players and their motives. We head back now to Old St. Louis....

Everyone was very relieved and happy to have won the skirmish versus the Volge, everyone but Mayor Amanda who is mourning the loss of 41 citizens and Rafe McCawley who is mourning his son Luke. (See? I told you I'd work on getting the names right.) Oh, and one of the clan of Albino Butthurt (fine, Castithan) who is being roundly reprimanded for bringing dishonor to the Castithans by running away during the firefight with the Volge.He's not having such a great day either. I personally would have been racing him for title of Biggest Coward of the Universe but apparently the Castithan have rigid codes of honor not unlike the Klingons and the only way for him to regain his honor/cleanse himself of his sins is to be drawn and quartered. In the town square. O-kay then. Nolan and Irisa happen upon the charming scene and she proceeds to freak the fuck out, going full-on Manson Lamps at the crowd. As Chief Lawkeeper, Nolan does his part to calm things down by pointing his gun at the head of a Castithan bystander and threatening to shoot if they don't release Brave Sir Robin, Mayor Amanda joins in the fun demanding that Nolan put up his weapon while looking all the while she really wished she had never heard the term 'Mayor' before. He complies and follows her off, while Irisa stays in the square to watch. Nolan my man, you are never going to win a 'Father of the Year' award like that.

Meanwhile in the McCawley homestead, which is very nice and spacious in a post non-hostile alien invasion accidental apocalypse type of way, Chrissy is cooking breakfast for bro and Dad. Shockingly, no one is excited about the upcoming nuptials with Rafe going so far as to forbid her from marrying Alec Tarr with the predictable result because it was the Tarr's fault that Luke died. (Erm, no, that would have been Ben but thanks for playing.) Oh Rafe, have you never seen any coming of age movie? Or he's just pissed that Alec didn't ask for his blessing/dowry first. Hard to say. So Chrissy storms off to find Alec with her dad's proclamation that if she leaves she's never to come back. *Slow Clap* there Rafe; now there is one. Very nicely played. *Headdesk*

But Ben? What is he doing? Why would be blow the stasis field like that? And where the hell is security in this hospital because Hipster Glasses aka Mr. Birch wanders in and gives the comatose Ben a shot - literally - in the head. Usually this is to silence the witness but oddly enough, has the effect of waking him up and partially healing him. Enough anyway to continue with the plan to destroy Defiance but Ben doesn't have beef with anyone! He just wants some dolla dolla bills to get to Antarctica which apparently IS very nice this time of year. HG sends him on his way to more mischief and NO ONE SEES A DAMN THING. Oh right, because he killed the one guard there.

Datak (Butthurt) and Stahma (Wife of Butthurt) are in the bath - again - bathing in milk or some white substance and you know what? I really don't want to know what it is. The 'water' is white, they are white, the walls are white...it very much looks like floating eyes in there. Well, Datak is in the bath seething about the interference of Nolan in Castithan justice. Lady Stahma, on the other hand, is lounging poolside with nothing but strings of beads covering her bits. She saves her scheming for the bath as she goads Datak to exhibitionism by pretending to sympathize with the humans and their culture. "I PISS on their culture!' howls an obviously deranged Datak and I hesitate to point out that culture, in fact, is not a tangible thing so one can't really piss on it and...on second thought, you go on with your bad self there. Alec chooses this moment to slouch into the bathing chambers and DOESN'T BLINK AN EYE that his mostly naked mother stands up to talk to him and embraces him as he whines that Chrissy is having second thoughts about the wedding. She comforts him and oh by the way? SHE'S MOSTLY NAKED. GAH. How the boy was not permanently scarred by that I have no idea. And if anyone suggests an Oedipal complex I will throat-punch you, so help me God.

Amanda is staring morosely out the window of her office as Nicky packs up the remaining items from her reign. She is bothered by the Castithan notion of justice and expresses so to Nicky who then proceeds to give her a civics lesson that Council agreed to let each race handle their own affairs in their own way to which Amanda basically replies, well that's just stupid. Nicky looks at her with pity then leaves. She tears HG a new one for not helping her with her box o' stuff as even though she will sacrifice the many for the good of the few (one?), she's still a lady, dammit. We can but dream that they'll never return but we know she won't because she and HG need Defiance razed to find the lost artifact that will save them all.

Rafe is morosely searching Luke's room for clues as to why Ben killed him when he receives a call that Ben has escaped and blew something up in the mine. For a prisoner, Ben really gets around. Well, that rounds up the posse of Lawkeepers and miners and they head to the mines, back to the dark dangerous places that no one goes. But they will or die trying.

Chrissy apparently works in a restaurant and Stahma comes in to talk to her about why she wanted to cancel the wedding. Chrissy tells her that it's hard with her dad and losing Luke and can they just take it slow for a while? Stahma responds by telling a creepy ass story about her father putting her on the ship with a good honorable guard but then she had googly eyes for another dude who suffered from a severe case of the inferiors so Unstable Inferior Man 'accidentally' flushed 'Good Honorable Man' out of an airlock and everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Good Honorable Man who was, of course, dead. But hey, you can't win them all. Chrissy is comforted by this story (Dafuq?) and appears to regain confidence and I continue to maintain the Stahma IS Cersei, you know, aside from the brother-lovin'.

Remember Irisa? Who was left in the square with the Castithans drawing and quartering Brave Sir Robin? Right, well she continues to Manson Lamps at the folks but completely loses it when a young child picks up a rock to put in the basket. It's her against them all as she cuts down Brave Sir Robin; the crowd starting throwing the rocks at her when a shotgun blast splits the air. It's Deputy Tommy to the rescue! Again. He threatens to arrest everyone unless they disperse. Under what charge my good sir? Um, loitering. Oh well played Tommy! That sure put them in their place. *Rolls eyes* Irisa and Deputy Tommy drag the unconscious Brave Sir Robin to jail where Tommy obviously hopes this will win if not her affection then at least her panties.

Wandering the mines, Nolan and Rafe have a heart to heart about life which ends with Rafe pretty much telling Nolan to mind his own damn business. The dangerous part of the mine? Atlantis! No, it's actually old St. Louis and as they clamber over scaffolding being the loudest tracking bounty hunters in the history of ever, Ben shoots one of the posse and they quickly corner him as being a political stooge in no way prepared him for this. Nolan tries to get answers and Rafe is all, 'Imma let you finish but first Imma pop a cap in his ass.' Nolan reasons with Rafe telling him that he can either do right by his dead kid or his two living ones ever the one who was banished but whatevs, details are of no use to him her proselytizing, but not both. When Nolan is the sane one in the group you know you have issues is all I'm saying. It's the hardest thing that Rafe has ever had to do but he lowers his weapon. Ben, who is clearly not as stupid as he looks, notices that Rafe did not re-engage the safety, jams his chest into the gun and grabbing Rafe's hand, pulls the trigger shooting himself. Well that was certainly unexpected but instead of giving up who is calling the shots, he asks them to tell Amanda that he is sorry. I'm sure that will comfort her greatly. Thanks Ben!

Tommy and Irisa are guarding Brave Sir Robin from the inevitable lynch mob who show up pretty much right on schedule. They are prepared to fight off Datak and his Bio-Man when the cavalry arrives in the form of Amanda, Nolan, Rafe, and Chewbacca's illegitimate lovechild by way of orangutan. A stand-off which Amanda bravely, or dumbly depending on your point of view, faces down Datak saying that she pardoned Brave Sir Robin and that they all need to be subject to the same laws. Datak smarms her saying of course Madam Mayor and slinks out with his entourage in tow. Nolan looks very much like he would like nothing better than to turn Irisa over his knee and spank the bejesus out of her but he won't as he knows full well that doing so will result in his arm being returned to him.

The atmosphere is somber as they head out to the burial of the 41 casualties of the battle with the Volge. Tensions are heightened as Chrissy stands with the Tarrs, clearly having made her choice. Later in the evening, Brave Sir Robin is enjoying a meal with his family when a knock on the door requests his presence outside. Oh look, it's his new best friend Datak and when Brave Sir Robin thanks his for allowing him to see his family once more, and that he will see justice served, you know. Datak's truncated lightsaber flashes once  and thy will was done.

Nolan and Deputy Tommy are hanging out in the jail with Irisa when there's a knock on the door. Going out, they find someone has left them a welcome gift: Brave Sir Robin. Rafe continues to ransack his late son's room doing a far better job at playing detective then Nolan every will. He finds a hidden compartment with money and what appears to be a gold brooch. What was Luke doing with this? What is it? And is this the artifact that Nicky and HG are willing to sacrifice the entire town to retrieve?

This is where the series will either take off or die: there is internal fighting for power in Defiance, there is the ever present threat of the Volge and there are the machinations of the former Mayor to reclaim an artifact. Here's hoping that the next episode will be a little less talk and a lot more action*.

*My abject apologies to Toby Keith.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Defiance: Pilot Recap

Hey, did you know that SyFy has a new original series that premiered this week? It didn't get much publication so you may have missed it. It's called 'Defiance' and is about the zany happenings of a not-so-hostile alien invasion takeover apocalypse.

We open with a voice-over showing the arrival of the visitors with a young androgynous figure staring up at the sky in fascination. It's St. Louis and there's the iconic arch in the background and everything is very green and pretty. Cut to what appears to be Toad's standard ride in Mario Kart bumping along Mordor and a girl with red hair and undeniably alien features is giving the silent treatment to the human guy driving because that is what teenagers do to their parents...so I've heard. Ahem. All is very bitter and awkward until he pops in some Johnny Cash as what is better to breach the divide than a rousing C&W song? (Really, if anything could have survived the hostile alien invasion takeover apocalypse, why couldn't it have been 80s music? Just sayin'.)

They approach a hulking behemoth that appears to be deserted but take precautions anyway. Skulking, they make their way into the presumed heart of the behemoth and using a communication crystal obviously stolen from the Fortress of Solitude, they inadvertently unleash Zod release what looks like a glowing blue crystal soccer ball. This is the big prize for it will do...something and make like a tree and get out of there. Unfortunately, they run smack into the the Fabulous Alien Biker Boys who stripped their Toad Kart bare and request our human friend Nolan to open his pack. He tries to deflect by saying all the good stuff is in the kart but dumb Nolan is dumb and the Biker Boys do not fall for it. By communicating via glances to Irissa the sullen teenaged alien a fight ensues and it's very dark and chaotic and running! through the Forbidden Forest where it is revealed that Irissa has been shot. It quickly becomes clear that she can't go on so Nolan does the only logical thing: buries the soccer ball of desire and carries her because there is a settlement...somewhere around until HE can't go on either. He puts her down to size up the situation as all their gear has been confiscated when he's confronted by the unholy love child of Shelob and a water buffalo. He empties his weapon and is about to overrun when the Spider-Buffaloes are brought down by a party of lawkeepers from the nearby settlement proving with finality that men don't need maps as he was thisclose to getting them there. Nolan sees the Arch and says in wonder, is this St. Louis to which his good guide replies, 'It used to be. Now we call it 'Defiance'.'

We cut to a charming old-west sort of town on a festive day, Armistice day, the day when humans and aliens alike put down their weapons and refused to fight anymore founding the first Utopian settlement. As newbie Mayor Amanda thanks everyone, she acknowledges the assistance of some prominent citizens: the albino alien who receives token applause and the human owner of the mines making him very rich indeed, Billy Black. Billy basks in a rousing round of cheering which clearly pisses off the albino who stalks away in high dudgeon.

Irissa wakes up in the hospital attended to by the doctor who very much resembles the Gentlemen from the Hush episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and who has about as much warmth. She's...pissed and threatens the good doctor who saved her life. Amazingly enough, Doc is all, 'ain't nobody got time for that' and puts her in her place. Meanwhile, Nolan is having a meeting with Mayor Amanda as to why they are there as they don't take kindly to strangers round these here parts. Nolan tries to reassure the good Mayor that he and his adopted daughter are only passing through. Amanda the Mayor sends him to the local brothel-bar managed by her sister Kenya. Nolan and Irissa hit the bar which is a strange place to take your daughter but whatever where Nolan asks where he can make some fast money. Kenya helpfully points him to the local Fight Club and we all know how this is going to end. And it does but first after Nolan volunteers to be the next fighter, the owner, Skeevy Albino, still all butt-hurt about the human getting more airtime blah blah blah elects to sub in a Biohuman for the house champion which looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger on steroids. Oh wait....  Anyway, Nolan's getting his ass kicked but good when he does the whole sliding between the legs trick and with one punch disables the Biohuman. They collect their winnings but wait! Butthurt Albino Alien says they broke house rules (what rules? I thought the only rule was not to talk about Fight Club) and will reclaim the winnings thank-you-very-much but here's a fiver for your troubles. TTFN.

While this is going on, daughter of Billy Black and son of Butthurt Albino apparently have a thing and go to the dance together where it's clear that white people still can't dance even after the hostile alien invasion takeover apocalypse. One of her brothers takes umbrage at this and challenges Son of Butthurt with a glowing knife that looks a lot between Sting and a lightsaber. Shoves are exchanged, glares are thrown and the posturing ends. Oldest brother Alex receives a mysterious phone call and disappears.

Butthurt isn't liking his son's dalliance with the human girl and is fuming at his wife in the bath. She is the Cersei of the series and plants a seed of an idea in his mind: if their son marries the human girl and something...tragic...were to happen to the girl's brothers and father, well, the mine and all its riches would belong to them. Butthurt buys it hook, line, and sinker, never mind that the kids actually do love each other.

Another alien - Squidface - is out walking his dog when he comes upon the body of someone. This someone turn out to be Alex the Oldest and Billy is devastated about his son. Hearing news of the fight earlier in the evening, he heads out immediately to confront Son of Butthurt. The main lawkeeper, Clancy, begs him to let justice do its work but this isn't the post-apocalyptic old west for nothing. Their destination? Kenya's house of booze and boobs.

Nolan, with the exasperating habit of looking on the bright side of life, says it's enough money to eat and change clothes and by this he means engage Kenya in some afternoon delight leaving Irissa in the bar by herself but it's okay, she's journaling and drawing which is so not out of the ordinary in a brothel-bar. They emerge from an upstairs room to see the brewing fight below them. Nolan rushes downstairs, throws one of the kids out of his seat to pretend that he was gambling with Son of Butthurt. They've almost got things calmed down when another lawkeeper tries to put his hands on Nolan sending Irissa into assassin mode and from there, all hell breaks loose. When the smoke clears, Clancy the lawkeeper is the only casualty. Nolan offers that since he's a tracker by trade, he'd find the murderer...for a price. The deal is made with Irissa thrown into a jail with Deputy Lawkeeper Tommy for company and her caretaker. At this point, I'm kind of on-board with her sullenness.

Deputy Tommy tries to engage her as they seem to be of similar age and she flirts back by saying how she could have disarmed him, beheaded him and been halfway to Timbuktu if she had wanted to. Well then. He asks how she came to be with Nolan and her answer is chilling: he did the one thing she wasn't able to do. Kill her parents. No doubt this will come back into play again.

Nolan and his merry crew are investigating the scene of the crime and he's making some startling conclusions that add up to Mayor Amanda and Nolan tooling around in another Mario Kart. She's on the phone with her assistant Gentleman Ben and has to lie about something I couldn't hear because deaf. He in turn blows the power to the stasis field which was the only thing protecting the town from the mechanized threats known as the Volge. They catch up to Ben and beat the crap out of him when it becomes clear he was working for someone other than the mayor...or was he?

Nolan and Irissa are getting ready to get out while the getting is good when Nolan sees a line of children being led across the street and has a crisis of conscience. No such thing bother Irissa who says, I'm outta here and takes off with the newly acquired truck. Committed now, Nolan walks into the woods to dig up the blue soccer ball of power. The mayor is rallying the proverbial troops by paraphrasing Samwise Gamgee: This is a town worth fighting for! Everyone cheers and gets in line and they take their position. Just before all hell breaks loose, Nolan strolls back in with his soccer ball saying he's there to save their asses. The Doctor gets to work on trying to harness the power of the soccer ball and the townsfolk engage the Volge. Mayor Amanda take a hit and goes down but right before they are all overrun, the Volge are attacked from behind by the Fabulous Biker Boy aka Spirit Riders who hate the humans but hate the Volge even more. The leader of this brave attack? Irissa who didn't abandon Nolan after all. Doc finally gets something going and a huge power surge rolls through the Volge. Victory is theirs! The next day, Daughter of Billy and Son of Butthurt exchange rings which confuses Butthurt until Wife of Butthurt explains that it's a human custom, the actual wedding will come later.

Mayor Amanda asks Nolan to become a lawkeeper as he's handy to have around and the tension is simmering between them when he realizes Kenya is Amanda's sister. Well this is awkward. More awkward still is that with Gentleman Ben in a coma, they don't know who would have orchestrated this or why. Turns out, the former Mayor, Nicky, is running the show and promises mysterious glasses man that the survivors will thank them.

Irissa journals that her visions are becoming stronger and more detailed and we discover that it was a vision of Nolan in the park right before the aliens arrived she had had. Looks like they are staying put for a while.

A mishmash of themes and cliches and I found myself hoping that the humans would have been the shady ones; throw a stereotype on its ear but overall, a fascinating tale and I for one can't wait for the next leg of this journey.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Being Human Recap: Always a Bridesmaid Never Alive

In this, the penultimate episode of the season, we get some closure but more questions. Plus! A wedding! I love weddings. Free booze and all that....

Josh and Nora wake up lovey-dovey and very much nakey because Happy Wedding Day! They are very schmoopy with lots of kissing and it's all very beautiful and vomit-inducing. Meanwhile, Sally also awakes which, good. She made it to wedding day AND she's no longer hungry which means that the guests are not in mortal danger of being eaten. The bad news is that this means she is near the end and is so weak she can barely get out of bed. Essentially she is rotting from the inside out and knows her time is limited. Dying (again) doesn't scare her; it's the knowing that Mother Gothel Donna the Wicked Witch of Boston is waiting for her to shuffle off this mortal coil to claim her pay-off: Sally's soul. Because Sally has the best! friends! ever!, they won't allow that to happen but she has her doubts. How can they fight the witch? This is a lot to take in before breakfast...

Speaking of breakfast, Aidan is cooking something when Josh and Nora come downstairs to find the living room transformed into a gorgeous wedding chapel and their love and glee is palpable. Enjoy it while it lasts kids; soon enough you're reduced to sitting on the couch tweeting to the same people about some crazy show, hoping the other one will take care of the dinner dishes. Not that I would know anything about that. Ahem. Suddenly, a knock at the door! A nefarious enemy, come to wrench away their one chance at happiness? No, it's just Kat, Nora's maid of honor who's a bit early and just a little bit peeved after Aidan bolted following their one night in Bangkok. Actually, an enemy might be easier to face. Take it away Aidan!

While Aidan and Kat have the most awkward post one-night stand discussion ever, Nora heads upstairs to get Sally moving and sees her practically wasting away before her eyes. In a panic, she rushes back downstairs to rally the boys. Aidan refers to Kat as his girlfriend and the sound you just heard was a million hearts breaking at the same time. Nora gets rid of Kat so she, Josh, and Aidan can be with Sally as she passes. Again. They make Sally comfortable as she tries to hold it together for the wedding when Nora comes up with a simply brilliant idea: it's time for the Zombie High Fashion show! She had gone out shopping and bought Sally a number of dresses/outfits to try on so she wouldn't be forced to spend eternity in yoga pants and an unfortunate cardigan. While Sally serves as Nora's personal Zombie Doll, Josh is worrying about having a minister there, what with the decomposing bridesmaid and all. Aidan's all, no worries man, I got this. Turns out he's an ordained Unitarian minister who is authorized to perform weddings. Well isn't that just so damned convenient. I'm so glad that that Aidan is spending his immortality so wisely.

Nora and Sally settle on a short purple number and it does go very well with the ever-expanding sores and skin necrosis. She tucks Sally in again who assures her that this is not in fact IT. Yet. The rest of the gang head outside for a breather/strategy session when who should walk up but Sister Em who has been doing a lot of thinking (which looked way painful) and came to the conclusion that hey, I'm a lesbian, you're a werewolf, NBD. Josh is glad to see her and they hug it out at which point Josh lets her know that there might not be a wedding due to a re-death in the family and Emily is basically like, I am wearing a DRESS brainiac so you sure as shit are getting married today. It was very touching.

Yet turns out to be very very soon and Sally is ready but scared. She's loved having the time being real. She could hold someones hand and eat black and white cookies. She's trying to get the Latin pronunciation of the spell correct when Aidan jumps in (again) and coaches her. As she moves ever closer to the edge, he gently talks her through dying, calming her and comforting her and if anyone says that they did not tear up let alone cry outright they are a big fat lying liar who lies. Just before she goes Aidan gives her the gentlest smile and says, 'See you in a few minute.' No, I was not crying, it was allergies.

She comes back as a ghost, whole and perfect and wearing the bitchin' purple dress. Nora and Aidan smile while Josh looks around because he still can't see dead people. Sally asks about her body and that her boyfriend is an undertaker when Aidan smashes her rib cage and pulls out the heart which once belong to Ray. His reason? Spells take power from important things that contain your essence like hair and skin and apparently hearts. In no time at all, the door to Mother Gothel's Shifting Ghoulish Emporium appears and Aidan has to physically rip Josh from Nora to accompany Sally. Well, this isn't shaping up to be the wedding day she's dreamed of all her life.

Somewhere along the metaphysical highway, Josh and Aidan get separated from Sally. Aidan finds himself back in Ireland (?) and comes across his son Isaac who is the cutest little vampire ever seen. Josh ends up in the woods face to face with his inner wolf who rather than running away goes alpha on Josh. Then they both slam into the floor on the world's only disappearing soup kitchen behind Sally. A menacing figure emerges fro m the shadows - it's Zombie Ray who is clearly not thrilled that Aidan is holding his heart. Josh is all, I got this you guys, go take care of the Wicked Witch. Ray threatens Josh, Josh acts tough then gets the crapped kicked out of him. On the other side of the building, Sally is facing down Donna with her incantation and Donna basically laughs in her face. Aidan gets his butt kicked by magic again and Sally summons her inner strength to hurl the spell back on Donna again and again causing her to lose her youthful visage. Donna is gleeful over Sally's fight to exist as most spirits have given up by then so she looks forward to the delicious power. Josh somehow gets the upper hand on Ray and throws him back but instead of dying (again), Ray wolfs out to Zombie Ray-wolf. At this point I expected Josh to raise his fist to the sky and cry 'I have the POWER'  to call upon the Josh-wolf but alas, he doesn't. He does...something...which ends the Ray-wolf (again) and stumbles off to find Aidan and Sally.

Aidan remembers that hey! I still have the heart I ripped out of Sally's decomposing rib-cage so Im'ma just throw it in the fire right here. That coupled with Sally's incantations drive Donna to the floor but is she done? Oh no. She's like, is that all you got and regains her feet. Aidan somehow sets her on fire but instead of immolating, she embraces it like a lover then passes it to Sally. Josh and Aidan look on in horror while Sally tells first Aidan then Josh that she loves them and...explodes into tiny dusty Sally particles. Donna inhales deeply like a human Dustbuster and snorts Sally. Her youth returns and she looks very self-satisfied. Until her middle starts glowing hotter and hotter, kind of like she swallowed a noisy cricket, only larger. Satisfaction turns to horrified realization as Mother Gothel explodes in kind and is no more. Sally for the win within; all hail the purple dress!

The three amigos return to the brownstone triumphant and the wedding with one invisible guest takes place. In the excitement of actually getting married Nora forgot to write her vows so she plays it safe with an 'I love you' followed by an enormous face-suck.Everyone is happy and smiling and laughing but did someone forget about the newborn vampire in the basement? Poor Kenny, couldn't even enjoy his first wedding as of one the undead seeing as how Aidan tied him up. You know, just in case. The gang sees Josh and Nora off to their honeymoon and go off their separate ways. Emily is playing Smokey the Bear and goes to blow out the candles around the living room; Sally reappears in the house where the candelabra flares ominously. Kenny's transformation has gone the way of Emperor Palpatine which is not a good look on anyone, let alone a teenager. Is it the wolf blood Aidan ingested, protecting him but dooming all new vamps? Is it the purity of Kenny's blood that is incompatible with turning vamps? Both? Neither? Either way, that sucks dude. Should have stuck with the bone marrow transplant route.

Josh and Nora are in a cabin/motel (klassy!) for their honeymoon when Nora gets dressed to go out. Um, Nora, UR DOIN IT RONG. Outside she hears a chilling voice offering her congratulations. Oh, HAI Liam, now it's a party with Papa Wolf.

Season finale next week and so! many! questions! Is Mother Gothel really gone? How pissed is Kenny going to be when he finds himself the villain of Star Wars? How bad is Josh going to mess Liam up for interrupting his freaking HONEYMOON?

Monday, April 1, 2013

All of the tired is belonging to me

Alternate title: The Brain Cannot Convince The Body It's Not 22 Anymore aka I Still Make Very Dumb Decisions And I Wasn't Even Drunk. So yeah. It was a great weekend; we got to see practically the entire family and maybe even most important, finally got caught up on all the birthdays...dating back to last year. No matter! Caught up. Onward and forward and all that good stuff. And with all that family stuff comes traveling and with traveling with young children comes stuff which becomes even more stuff when said travelling occurs over a holiday. The kids are 6 and 3; this isn't our first rodeo and yet.

Saturday began early as it usually does because my children do not understand the concept of 'sleeping in it's the weekend for chrissake' and 'really, Mommy and Daddy do not really want to be up right now so would you please consider sleeping in?' The only bright spot was the Noelle did not have dance class due to Spring Break BUT Dylan had a lot of errands to run before heading to his mom's house for Easter/birthdays. I lucked out and didn't have to bring anything this time but still, we were in a time crunch. As usual. The kids played with their cousins at my mother-in-law's house but it was a really nice day and her house is on the small side so we took the kids to a nearby park where we followed a stream to a beaver dam, chucked rocks at the water, hiked back to the grassy field and played Frisbee and football for well over an hour before heading back for dinner and visiting. Because Sunday was Easter and they were outside running around, they had a bath even though it was very late and got them to bed at 9. No SyFy movie was on, or at least, no SyFy movie that the usual gang was going to watch so I prepped the sweet potatoes for Easter dinner then jumped on the computer to finish creating the gift certificate for my dad's birthday then had to check Twitter. As one does.

Well, because the usual gang didn't have a movie to snark on, our fearless leader tweeted out that he was bored and did anyone want to [Google] hang-out. Having just gotten all the plug-ins figured out that morning, I said sure, why not so off to Google hang out I went. After a while, Dyl joined us sharing my ear buds and soon one, then another Snarkalec came to play. And it was hysterical; we had such a good time playing with the features, offering predictions for the Walking Dead to be aired the next night, harassing each other that before we knew it, 5 hours had flown by and 3 AM was staring us in the face. At that point common sense woke up and was all, 'oh shit. We've got 4 hours before the kids get up because EASTER!!!!' And sure enough, 7:06 am Noelle bursts into the room wanting to look for Easter baskets. Thank GOD I hadn't been drinking or that would have been painful *coughdrunkenbirthdaysleepovercough*.

A few (awake) hours later, it was time to go to my parents' house for the family Easter egg hunt and dinner and 356 eggs plus assorted baskets later, the kids were running around, playing with their cousins, we were visiting and time flew by, we barely noticed how tired we were. We got home a little after 8 (thanks stupid drivers who don't know how to merge), decided no baths, got the kids ready for bed and were downstairs for the season finale of The Walking Dead by 8:45. Straightened up the kitchen and living room a bit for my MIL who is watching Noelle during the first part of Spring Break this week and assumed our positions on the sofa. This was the first episode I had watched since the very first one but followed recaps and analysis so knew enough of what was going on to be dangerous. Dangerously snarky that is. What? Gotta get my fix somewhere. Anyway, after the show of commercials interspersed with a few shots of zombies and/or batshit insane Governors, the finale was over and time for bed. But not because one MUST follow it up with the analysis show the Talking Dead and hey! 11 pm! How good to see you and why in the name of Grilled Cheezus did I not take off Monday? Sob.

The only bright spot of today? I can finally eat again. A small consolation prize but I'll take it. And now if you'll excuse me, Im'ma hide under my desk the rest of the day zzzzzz.