Things are falling apart for Sally. Quite literally. The hunger for human flesh is growing stronger every hour meaning that the time is rapidly approaching where she becomes an acute danger to them all. Josh and Nora because they've become Ozzie and Harriett only...hairier...decide to move up their wedding date so Sally can attend and be reasonably assured of NOT eating the guests. They rush to Sally's room, giddy to share the news, when hey! Room's empty. Um. Shit. Looks like Sally is going out for lunch today. What'll it be: Italian? Thai? Chinese? Nope. How about...dead.
Let's pretend that you were alive, then you were dead, then you came alive again but at the price of a terrible skin condition and managed to bed and fall in love with the virginal funeral director who gave you a job but then fired you and so in your hour of need run to him to profess your everlasting and undying love and oh, by the way, can I eat Ms. Hanover here? She's got no family and is going to be cremated so no harm no foul. Give us a kiss?
Oddly enough, Max the Former Virgin Funeral Director turns down her request even when she plays her trump card of trading away her soul so she didn't kill anyone else and she just wants to stay with him because she loves him. It was a good piece of pleading/logic and I thought that Max would cave because newly non-virgin men are slaves to the siren call of the poontang but as luck would have it, his gag reflexes kicked him in the short and curlies so Sally
Aidan meanwhile is having a heart to heart with Kenny the Bubble Boy who is less than overjoyed to learn that a bone marrow match for him has been found and they can do a bone marrow transplant complete with chemo to kill off his white blood cells and pretty much incapacitate him until new marrow is generated so HE'S moving up the timetable deal with Aidan who clearly wants no part of turning yet another person and accepting responsibility for said person especially one who is under 18. Kenny then tells Aidan that he'll wait for Aidan's shift to be over, walk out and find Blake to turn him. FINE, Aidan huffs and just like that, the House on Boston street takes in another stray. Because they've had such a stellar track record thus far with them but whatever. First, however, Kenny wants to spend a day as a real teenager as his immunodeficiency precluded that from ever happening. He has 48 hours, max, to live without his bubble so onto his bucket list. The first item? Playing with a dog in the park. Okay, I can see how that would be a simply incredible pleasure after years of no contact with anyone/thing. The second?
Back at the house, Josh and Nora break the happy news that the wedding will be soon? ish? And what does this need? A bachelor party of course! Coordinated by none other than Josh's wedding-crashing sister of Sapphos, Emily. Yay! A Wedding! A Party! Let's go to a strip club! Cue Kenny: that's on MY bucket list! Well that certainly worked out nicely for everyone. Mostly Emily and Kenny. So off to the local strip club where absolutely NO ONE questions Kenny about being old enough to be there. Also: Bubble Boy looks a LOT like Henry as had been pointed out by Dylan. Thematic? Or coincidence? Hrmmm. Kenny and Emily get a front row seat and Kenny is clearly
Good sister that she is, she calls out Josh and Aidan for being weirdos for having such intense discussions in a strip club for chrissakes and buys Josh a lap dance. After all Josh is a pansy and isn't even having fun at his own bachelor party which, let's face it, was more for his sister. So Sadie is grinding on him and apparently having fun at his expense for the epic discomfort when hey! She vamps out to drain him because he's a wolf and she has needs. Aidan with his super keen spidey sense of sinister suckage, stakes here just in the nick of time. His mysterious stalker blocked his mind powers for a while. Sadie knew Josh was off limits but went after him anyway. Stay off drugs kids, drugs are bad.
Emily freaks out not that her friend just tried to kill her brother, oh no, but because Aidan killed Sadie. This forces Josh to explain the whole werewolf/vampire thing going on and OH! That's why you ran away. Instead of bonding over their outsider status (I'm a werewolf! I'm gay!) she seems kind of fixated on the dusting of her friend. Forest, trees. Guess she's going to boycott the wedding after all. Unless they serve vodka then all will be forgiven. But what about our lovely bride-to-be?
Back at the house Nora is talking to Sally through her door, trying to cheer her up by promising wine coolers. Sally is forlorn but perks up a little, 'wine coolers?' Nora unlocks a crapton of locks to be able to open Sally's door and pass her a refreshing adult beverage then locks her up tight again because Sally's hunger has grown to the point that no one is safe if she isn't contained. She's okay with this because she tells Nora that she really wants to be out there with her too but that she also really wants to eat her. Well that's...sweet. And guys' 'ears' everywhere perk up. Then in a painful effort to preserve a bit of normalcy they discuss wedding plans: hair, flowers, maid of honor. I'll be honest, this one made me feel feelings both hopeful and melancholy.
Kenny is having second-ish thoughts about being turned now and Aidan is trying to give him the pros and the cons in a very controlled, factual way. The thing is, Kenny's time is about up; the decision will be made for him. Either he is turned or he dies. So he squares his shoulders and takes the bite like a man.
Sally realizes that she really doesn't want to die and lose her soul to Donna the Wicked Witch of Boston so she gathers her peeps and off they trot to the soup kitchen. Which is no longer there. But...but...how do you move an entire building, like it never existed. Dude, she's a witch, probably an Invisibility Cloak or something. Maybe a cloaking device. Regardless, it's not there so direct confrontation won't be in play. Yet. Time to call in the psychic! Whom you almost killed trying to survive an exorcism but let's let bygones be bygones.
But before she can go to the psychic, Sally needs some help so she doesn't end up eating someone she's asking to help her. That's just bad form. Aidan is in super hero save everyone mode so he marches into Sally's room, lifts up his shirt (WHANOGGY) and clearly steeling himself, tells Sally to eat him. Sally looks just as shocked as we are as Aidan tells her that he will heal and she needs to eat so...eat him. It is hilariously uncomfortable to watch and Sally leans forward to get a big bite...
"It's like biting a tire!"
"Sorry."
"Stop flexing!"
"I can't help it; I'm nervous!"
And this right here might be my most favorite exchange between this characters ever.
Fortified, Sally goes off to find Alana who tells her that her only recourse is to become a ghost (again) and go through Donna's Door of Despair but she's strong so she might be able to beat Donna. "Strong like Harry Potter strong?" Well, no, not really, but in spirit: she's been through so much that as long as she makes peace/ties up loose ends in this life, she'll be ready to face anything. So Sally goes to see Max and confesses her love for him and that she wishes they could really be together. You know, for dating a decomposing zombie, Max is really taking this all in stride.
After becoming lunch, Aidan is wandering the streets of Boston, waiting for Kenny to wake up to his new life when Mysterious Stalker of Mystery appears. Is it Bishop? Is it Henry? Do not pass 'Go', do not collect $200. Why it is Professor Douche who rails at Aidan, 'Why did you do this to me?' Before Aidan stakes him, clearly having become The Chosen One. But he's not sexy Professor Douche; no, he's some kind of horribly disfigured monster that Aidan turned in his most recent blackout. Well that was most unfortunate. Really creeped out, Aidan rushes back home, terrified of what he has done to Kenny.
For some bizarre reason we are back in Alana's house in the middle of the night. She comes downstairs to investigate...something...when a man suddenly appears in her living room. She senses that there is a bad spirit inside of him and pleads with the guy to 'leave the poor girl alone'. No dice, the pieces are in motion and Donna will have her prize. Alana begins to exorcise the spirit from him when he snaps her neck muttering about the girl having chosen the wrong side.
Good to see you again too, Ray.
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