Dawn Snarks: The Incredibly True Tales of the Amazing Spider-Man...Balloon

I am a world class impulse shopper. There, I said it. Secret's out. But! I very rarely impulse buy for myself. It's usually things for Dylan, the kids or my nieces and nephews. And in this case, for a very special set of nephews....

See, my youngest sister has twin boys and I feel a special kinship with them as 1) they were born in March (Holla!) and B) the younger (Carter) is a lefty (like me. Holla x2) so when I was in the local Wegman's two weeks ago and saw a giant Spider Man balloon, well, that was all she wrote.

Is he not a magnificent hunk of reinforced foil?!

For lo, the theme of their birthday party was Superheroes! And a giant Spider Man is just what is needed to really complete the experience. After getting the okay from my sister (Cath), I placed an order for a Spidey of our very own to be picked up the next Friday.

Well, the next Friday rolled around and in the frenzy of completing my own superhero costume (that is a story for another time), the Wegman's was my last stop as even I am not dumb enough to haul a giant Spider Man balloon around Hunt Valley Town Centre. Costumes pieces procured for MacGyvering (related: it's really hard to find white bow ties outside of formal wear stores), I made my jaunty way over to the store to claim my prize; the piece de resistance of the party.

And as I had remembered (though not clearly enough), the thing was huge (TWSS). They tried to wrestle it into a bag but hey! I have a mini-van so I got this. Arm in arm with Spidey, we sashayed through the parking lot, to the very back because this was a Friday during lunch time at Wegman's were ALL the hipster careerists and angry old people convene. Smiling and nodding at folks agape at my companion, we made it to the van. Because I have a weird sense of humor, I tried to put him in the front seat because HILARITY. No dice; he was too big for the front (the jokes, they just write themselves). So instead of putting down the other bag and purse to get a better grip on my friend, I get him one-handed out of the front seat. Oh, did I mention it was windy? It was windy. Very.

Next I thought I'd try putting Spidey in Noelle's booster seat; the privacy glass would prevent folks from seeing him but Noah would be in awe. He, um, was too big for the middle seats. Fuck. Into the back with you my good superhero. The only issue here is that the third row seats were up as planning ahead is clearly my forte. I get chunk-a-lunk into the trunk area (sigh), timing wind gusts and close the lift gate. Where it immediately snags on Spidey's hand. Oh god DAMMIT!. Still holding the bag and purse, I open the lift gate again to reposition him and that's when the flipping gale blew in. Spidey flew right out of the van, onto the top of a car the next row over and starting bouncing across the parking lot. I'm standing there, lift gate up, stuff in hand saying, 'You have got to be fucking kidding me' as I watch Spider Man make a break for it. I threw the bag in the bag, got a hold of my purse and pelted after him as he bounced from car to car back to the store. Not watching traffic or pedestrians I just flat out ran which if you have ever tried to do in steel toed shoes was quite a feat indeed, leaving patrons staring and pointing and most likely choking on their sushi from laughter.

Bouncing, bouncing, bouncing, Spidey leaped from car to car and oh, just the irony of it all. Just before the main aisle, Spidey descended from his height becoming momentarily stopped between the curb and a car. I cut across the aisle grabbed him in my arm and marched his butt right back to the van past all the good people who watched my mad dash through a Wegman's parking lot for a balloon; a lot less sanguine now. However, there was still the issue with how to get him in. I was able to shift things around enough to fold down half of the rear seat and with no little force, shove him in there, still one-handed.