And you thought that TPS reports were bad

The following has been paraphrased based on a true conversation, except for what I made up.

From: Derperson & Co. HR Department
To: All Employees

We here at Derperson & Co. HR are fully committed to bringing you the best work place experience possible. To that end, the following policy changes have been implemented so that no one will have to be bothered by anything ever again:

1) If you have a complaint against someone for anything, no matter how small, make sure to communicate this anonymously with few details and no specifics, preferably in the form of a note slid under a locked office door. We all need some excitement and mystery in our lives after all.

2) Report everything. No matter whether or not a statement, action, or thought was communicated directly to you, if you find it the slightest bit offensive, best to not take chances and report it immediately following the guidelines of Rule #1. To ensure your complaint is the top priority, include the phrase 'sexual innuendo' in your note; you'll get the quickest action* that way.

3) If you feel that the HR department is not moving swiftly enough for your liking or has closed the file in a non-satisfactory manner to you, rewrite your complaint and send it to the corporate ethics hotline again anonymously and with few details. Feel free to add anything additional but make sure to not include any specifics. It's a good idea to invoke the 'unwanted physical contact' but refrain from mentioning whether your were the recipient of the contact or not. Emphasize that hugging was involved and that it bordered on an embrace. This will ensure that all other activities lose urgency in light of this fact.

4) Employees will now be required to wear opaque bubble-wrap suits to work to eliminate the possibility of exposed body parts that could offend someone with the added bonus of improving our safety record. Remember: you can't get injured or be seen if there's nothing to see. Report any violations in the manner as described above.

With your help we can make Derperson & Co. an even better place to work, free of any interaction with fellow coworkers at all. As everyone knows, HR has nothing better to do with their time than investigate vague complaints for weeks on end and doesn't really do anything the rest of the time anyway.

Sincerely,

The HR Department

*I guess we have to report ourselves now.

The Incredibly True Tales of the Amazing Spider-Man...Balloon

I am a world class impulse shopper. There, I said it. Secret's out. But! I very rarely impulse buy for myself. It's usually things for Dylan, the kids or my nieces and nephews. And in this case, for a very special set of nephews....

See, my youngest sister has twin boys and I feel a special kinship with them as 1) they were born in March (Holla!) and B) the younger (Carter) is a lefty (like me. Holla x2) so when I was in the local Wegman's two weeks ago and saw a giant Spider Man balloon, well, that was all she wrote.

Is he not a magnificent hunk of reinforced foil?!

For lo, the theme of their birthday party was Superheroes! And a giant Spider Man is just what is needed to really complete the experience. After getting the okay from my sister (Cath), I placed an order for a Spidey of our very own to be picked up the next Friday.

Well, the next Friday rolled around and in the frenzy of completing my own superhero costume (that is a story for another time), the Wegman's was my last stop as even I am not dumb enough to haul a giant Spider Man balloon around Hunt Valley Town Centre. Costumes pieces procured for MacGyvering (related: it's really hard to find white bow ties outside of formal wear stores), I made my jaunty way over to the store to claim my prize; the piece de resistance of the party.

And as I had remembered (though not clearly enough), the thing was huge (TWSS). They tried to wrestle it into a bag but hey! I have a mini-van so I got this. Arm in arm with Spidey, we sashayed through the parking lot, to the very back because this was a Friday during lunch time at Wegman's were ALL the hipster careerists and angry old people convene. Smiling and nodding at folks agape at my companion, we made it to the van. Because I have a weird sense of humor, I tried to put him in the front seat because HILARITY. No dice; he was too big for the front (the jokes, they just write themselves). So instead of putting down the other bag and purse to get a better grip on my friend, I get him one-handed out of the front seat. Oh, did I mention it was windy? It was windy. Very.

Next I thought I'd try putting Spidey in Noelle's booster seat; the privacy glass would prevent folks from seeing him but Noah would be in awe. He, um, was too big for the middle seats. Fuck. Into the back with you my good superhero. The only issue here is that the third row seats were up as planning ahead is clearly my forte. I get chunk-a-lunk into the trunk area (sigh), timing wind gusts and close the lift gate. Where it immediately snags on Spidey's hand. Oh god DAMMIT!. Still holding the bag and purse, I open the lift gate again to reposition him and that's when the flipping gale blew in. Spidey flew right out of the van, onto the top of a car the next row over and starting bouncing across the parking lot. I'm standing there, lift gate up, stuff in hand saying, 'You have got to be fucking kidding me' as I watch Spider Man make a break for it. I threw the bag in the bag, got a hold of my purse and pelted after him as he bounced from car to car back to the store. Not watching traffic or pedestrians I just flat out ran which if you have ever tried to do in steel toed shoes was quite a feat indeed, leaving patrons staring and pointing and most likely choking on their sushi from laughter.

Bouncing, bouncing, bouncing, Spidey leaped from car to car and oh, just the irony of it all. Just before the main aisle, Spidey descended from his height becoming momentarily stopped between the curb and a car. I cut across the aisle grabbed him in my arm and marched his butt right back to the van past all the good people who watched my mad dash through a Wegman's parking lot for a balloon; a lot less sanguine now. However, there was still the issue with how to get him in. I was able to shift things around enough to fold down half of the rear seat and with no little force, shove him in there, still one-handed.

You win this time, von Doom....

Not willing to tempt fate, Spidey spent the night in the van before appearing at the party in all of his triumphant glory.

Imma stay right here and protect this corner.

God help me if next year they want Batman....