Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Angel Baby

To My Angel Baby,

Today would have been your birthday.  You were a shock and a surprise so I didn't cherish you while I had you; in fact just when I was getting used to the thought of YOU, you left us.  I have always wanted three children and having you then losing you just drove that closer to home.  The day I told your daddy about you, I cried and not tears of joy.  I'm so ashamed of that now; I had a gift, the most wonderful gift in the world and all I could think about about was how we would manage.  Small house, smaller cars, additional child care, the list of concerns grew ever larger.  But of course we would manage, we always have.

We kept you a secret; no one knew about you until after you were gone.  I had strange feelings, that something wasn't RIGHT, something kept me from sharing even though the words were on the tip of my tongue more times than I can count.  We developed a plan, you wouldn't want for anything.  Between your older sister and brother and all of your cousins, clothing and baby gear was covered as this is a family of pack rats and we throw nothing away.  A few days before we found out that you were gone Daddy and I began talking about your name.

You were a girl.  It was much too early to tell, but I just *knew* the way that I knew with your sister and brother. And because the cat wouldn't come anywhere near me. 

Time passed and we both grew used to the idea of you.  We planned how we would announce you to your family.  Christmas time it was difficult to conceal you as I'm well known for my love of wine but the holidays passed without suspicion. 

I talked to you, I wonder if even then you could hear me.  I found myself stroking my stomach daydreaming about holding you; would you have the blue eyes that all of us have?  Would you be the only to inherit your grandmother's thick wavy hair or would I doom you with my eyesight to be forever squinting. Would you be into dance or sports or art?  I was eager to find out.

Two days before we were set to tell the family, I had a sonogram.  The doctor was concerned with your size and lack of heartbeat but at 8 weeks, it didn't seem to be that concerning of an issue; perhaps nothing more than a date miscalculation.  The technician looked all over; we could see where you were supposed to be but there was no movement, no life.  Your little heart had stopped beating a few weeks earlier; we never did know why. 

So my angel, as the days leading up to your birthday have passed, I find myself thinking about you and mourning you all over again.  Still.  I am so sorry.  I am sorry that I didn't fully appreciate you while I had you and that you never got the chance to know your sister and brother who would have loved you like crazy.

We had you buried at a little cemetery near the hospital where you would have been born.  I didn't attend the ceremony; I couldn't find the strength but that doesn't mean I didn't love you.  I love you and always will.  I just have to believe that I'll meet your soul in heaven one day and we can be the family of five I always hoped that we would be.

Happy birthday angel.



1 comment:

Do or do not. There is no try.