Six

Six years ago today, a special little person was born. Well, maybe not so 'little' *cough10lbs7ozcough* but a wonderfully snuggly and squishy little boy.




















And what a little boy you've become: all legs and gap-toothed smiles, wheeling wildly through this life. You feel so much; all the joys, all the sadness but through it all remain so kind and loving and empathetic. You still love climbing onto my lap when we're relaxing on weekend mornings, you doing your thing (usually playing Minecraft or watching videos about playing Minecraft) and me doing mine but we're close and together, my arms encircling you and you lean back against my chest, so I can kiss your head and snuffle your hair. In moments like those, the world slips away and we go back in time to when it was just the two of us; Daddy at work and Noelle at school. I know these moments will grow further apart so I hold onto them as tight as I can now.

You are so full of life, going full bore towards everything. There is no halfway with you. When you get frustrated, you throw down your pencil, your hands up, complaining you can't do it yet the moment my back is turned, you pick it right back up and do it. You are so, so capable my little man. You love to play with other people but I love watching you play by yourself. You are lost in your own little world of Legos and Minecraft, heroes and villains, ninjas and pirates. You look just like your daddy but you have my attitude. I'm really sorry about that.




















You are becoming your own real person: joining Cub Scouts, learning how to swim, conquering kindergarten and now taking on first grade. You love Lego Batman and Minecraft and Mario. You cheer for the Orioles and the Ravens like a good Baltimorean but aren't defined by sports. You are the tallest in your class and the youngest but it will get easier, I promise. You love dark chocolate and jelly beans meaning that I have to share with you but I'm rewarded thousands of time over with giant hugs and sweet kisses. You are tough but still wrap yourself around Bla Bla every night and adore your big sister. I will miss Five but I'm so excited to meet Six.

I love you so, so much baby boy. Happy birthday!

Love,

Mommy

They're going back! Maybe...

Today marked the first day of school for our county. I've got a third and a first grader this year; how in the world did that happen? Curse you Father Time and your slow but inexorable waltz towards entropy! We had the tools (supplies. So. Many. Supplies.), we had the talent (braaaaains), and we had the new outfits (natch.) We were so, so ready. (Fine, I; I was so, so ready for them to go back mostly so that they could sleep later.) Because we seem to live in a parallel universe, they sleep in during the school year as the bus doesn't pick up until 9 am (if we're lucky) for a 9:20 start. This has the effect of school mornings being rather enjoyable for pretty much everyone.

School! What fun! Wheeee!

 Since this isn't our first rodeo, we left the house at 8:45 to get up to the bus stop as the bus tends to arrive a tad early at the beginning of the year. We reconnected with friends, traded notes on who had what teacher, and of course, posed for pictures.

90 degrees and wearing a scarf. Like a boss.

Well, Noelle did. Someone else may have been a little grumpy about having to put down his Lego Minecraft Batman...thing...to get ready for school.

Just take the picture already, woman!

Just a bit after 9, the bus pulls up...and passes right on by. Wait, what?! While it stopped at the second neighborhood stop at the top of the street, the rest of us grabbed backpacks stuffed with supplies (so many supplies!) and hauled ass up the hill to the stop...where the bus pulls away.

What the actual fuck?!

Is there a second bus for our neighborhood? Did the driver really just blow off a group of 25 kids? Ours is not a new stop, not by a long shot. Kids are bewildered, parents are frantic so I called the school and asked politely - for me - what in the name of pants was happening. It turns out that there are two buses servicing our neighborhood now, an early one and a later one with the usual bus driver. However, the later bus was running late (no shit, Sherlock) due to an accident somewhere but was on its way. How very reassuring given that it was now 9:12 and they are expected to be in their classrooms by 9:15. And did no one in the administration think to inform anyone on the route as to the changes seeing as a bus LEFT A BUNCH OF KIDS AT A REGULAR BUS STOP.

Breathes heavily.

I had to get to work so we tossed everything into the car and took off for school, fully expecting to see the bus come barreling around the bend any second.

Nope. No bus.

Of course once on Main Street, there was traffic due to a closed lane. Did they not get the memo that schools were back in session as of today and maybe it would be a better idea to wait until, oh, 9:30 to start that shit? Clearly not.

Rolling to a stop, I pretty much barked 'Go! Go! Go!' to the kids, shouting out room numbers as they dashed into the building, dragging their supplies (so, so many supplies.)

I really, really hope that I got their room numbers right otherwise enjoy your day in whatever class I sent you to, guys.

Don't ever change, Baltimore County. Don't ever change.

Physics is hard, yo

Some days I think that I can be perfectly happy without touching booze again in my life...and some days send me straight for the bottle. I'll let you decide where this day falls.

Scene - The lab. My office.
Annnnnnd Action!

Co-worker: Did you take the samples up the street this morning?

Me: Huh?

CW: Did you take the samples up the street this morning?

Me: Oh...yeah.

CW: Why didn't you take the box?

The Box.

Me: Because it didn't fit in the bucket.

The Bucket.

CW: Does it have to fit in the bucket?

Me: For carrying samples? It helps.

Not fitting in the bucket.

If this wasn't a fitting end to the week then I don't know what is.

And you thought that TPS reports were bad

The following has been paraphrased based on a true conversation, except for what I made up.

From: Derperson & Co. HR Department
To: All Employees

We here at Derperson & Co. HR are fully committed to bringing you the best work place experience possible. To that end, the following policy changes have been implemented so that no one will have to be bothered by anything ever again:

1) If you have a complaint against someone for anything, no matter how small, make sure to communicate this anonymously with few details and no specifics, preferably in the form of a note slid under a locked office door. We all need some excitement and mystery in our lives after all.

2) Report everything. No matter whether or not a statement, action, or thought was communicated directly to you, if you find it the slightest bit offensive, best to not take chances and report it immediately following the guidelines of Rule #1. To ensure your complaint is the top priority, include the phrase 'sexual innuendo' in your note; you'll get the quickest action* that way.

3) If you feel that the HR department is not moving swiftly enough for your liking or has closed the file in a non-satisfactory manner to you, rewrite your complaint and send it to the corporate ethics hotline again anonymously and with few details. Feel free to add anything additional but make sure to not include any specifics. It's a good idea to invoke the 'unwanted physical contact' but refrain from mentioning whether your were the recipient of the contact or not. Emphasize that hugging was involved and that it bordered on an embrace. This will ensure that all other activities lose urgency in light of this fact.

4) Employees will now be required to wear opaque bubble-wrap suits to work to eliminate the possibility of exposed body parts that could offend someone with the added bonus of improving our safety record. Remember: you can't get injured or be seen if there's nothing to see. Report any violations in the manner as described above.

With your help we can make Derperson & Co. an even better place to work, free of any interaction with fellow coworkers at all. As everyone knows, HR has nothing better to do with their time than investigate vague complaints for weeks on end and doesn't really do anything the rest of the time anyway.

Sincerely,

The HR Department

*I guess we have to report ourselves now.

The Great Toilet Caper

AKA Thug Life of a Five Year Old AKA This Will Go Down On Your Permanent Record.

Summer vacation has finally started for the kids and for us that means 1) getting up earlier than for school and 2) spending the entire day outside. Doing things. Being active. At camp!!11!Eleventy!1. It's for your own good, you'll learn to swim, have the same type of childhood I did, blah blah blah nostalgia-cakes. (I figure I can get another year, maybe two out of this plan before the totally catch on that they are getting seriously screwed in this process.)

Day Two was yesterday and I was at work (when am I not? Seriously.) when I got Teh Call. Fuck. Fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck. It was his counselor (naturally) with the news that he had been in the bathroom when the lid to the toilet tank fell and shattered.

"Is he okay?"

"Well, yes, he's fine." she replied, clearly surprised that I had asked. Really? Why wouldn't I have asked that? "But" (oh hell) "he picked up the lid and it fell and shattered so since it was destruction of property, you'll need to pay for it."

"Oookay. I understand. But he's okay, right?"

"Yes, he's fine, just some small cuts."

"All right, I'll be on the lookout for the bill. Thanks." And I went back to work, wondering what in the world would have possessed the child to investigate the inner workings of a toilet tank. I mean, other than being five-year old boy that is.

As the day wore on, it puzzled me more and more. That is so out of character for him; he's never exhibited and burning rush of investigation over the toilets at home. Maybe it's the being in a new place and having new adventures made him spazz out or something. I don't know. But those things are heavy. And while he is tall, he's not that tall to get sufficient leverage to lift it. Sigh. Oh well, we'll figure this out at home; at the very least he'll have to pay for half of the cost out of his allowance as it broke as a result of him doing something he wasn't supposed to do. We'd get a bill, we'd pay it, that would be the end of it.

Oh ho ho ho!

This morning as I dropped them off at the camp bus stop and van driver was the counselor who escorted him to the rest room yesterday. She filled me in on the story: she took him to the bathroom and while she waited outside, she heard it shatter and went in to find him crying with his swim trunks still down. She lifted him up and away from the shards and got the director. At some point in this I was called and told we were on the hook for paying for it. Then came the kicker: he was suspended from camp for today, Wednesday, June 24.

Wait, what?

Because the lid broke due to his actions, that is considered 'destruction of property' and therefore vandalism with an automatic 1-day suspension. There it was, in black and white, on the incident report form...that we didn't receive yesterday thanks to Mother Nature's epic temper tantrum.

"They didn't tell you he's not allowed to attend camp today?"

Clearly not if I'M STANDING HERE WITH A LOOK OF SHOCK, NO KNOWLEDGE OF THIS AND HIM PACKED FOR CAMP.

She called the senior director to see if he could serve his suspension tomorrow seeing as we weren't aware of this. Nope. No dice. Do not pass 'Go', do not attend camp. How exactly were we supposed to know this if you didn't give us the sheet telling us this, let alone a follow-up phone call? It wasn't her fault and I tried very hard not to take it out on her but still. This is an unacceptable fail in communication. Plus, you know, he's FIVE. Probably not a dangerous criminal in training. But I get it; there are rules and consequences to breaking the rules. I have no problem with that. I do have major problem with the communication piece and how it was handled. They will be getting an earful from me when I can trust myself to not completely unload on them which at this rate might be next July.

Fortunately my mother-in-law was able to come up and spend the day with him so he kind of wins today as Grandma is his most favorite person in the entire world. I have my doubts that he actually lifted the lid; either it was already off kilter and fell when he lifted the toilet seat or he put his hand on it to peer into the opening and that shifted it enough for gravity to do its thing is a more likely and logical explanation. But the counselor probably came in, saw the mess, and asked "Did you lift it?" and in shock and pain, he probably agreed and now in his mind that is what happened. I don't blame her per se, but how things are phrased are of critical importance, otherwise you are leading the witness.

We'll never know what really happened but one thing's for sure - he'll have a helluva 'What I did during my summer vacation' essay when they get back to school. Which really can't come soon enough for me and now, I suspect, for him too.

Susan Lucci has nothing on me

Wait, how long was her Daytime Emmy losing streak? 18 years? Hm, I think I'm holding tight on ten or 11 now so she still has the edge. But she won, eventually, right? Whereas I notched another one today. Suck it, Lucci, this loser streak is mine.

Why all the sturm und drang? What am I losing at? Certainly not weight; I'm winning at losing that. No, this streak is all about my career idling. For eight. long. years., I've been doing the exact same job. Not by choice but because I can't get out. I've applied for at least 10 jobs in the company and have been rejected for every. single. one. after spending the first nine years getting every job I wanted. Whyfor the career stall? Could it have something to do with being shunted back to the plant after my cushy R&D position was eliminated whilst out on maternity leave with Noelle? (Why yes, I'm still a bit bitter about that.) Does the stigma of being a plant worker carry that strong a smell? (In my case, yes, it does. Literally. Just ask Dylan. Or visit anytime after 6:30 pm.)

Recently a new position came open that was perfect. The career track that I wanted to take and FFS, was already pretty much doing the same thing here in the plant. But, alas, someone was selected who had done it before. Their fit was like a hand in a glove whereas apparently I was more akin to Drusilla trying to force her big-ass foot into the glass slipper. Okay, the HR guy didn't say that in so many words but the thought was there. Of course, he went through the platitudes of making contact with the local HR rep as it's their job to help with career planning and I immediately thought that he's never met our HR department before. I was, however, able to control my hysterical laughter at the thought so chalk one up to personal growth.

When I get home tonight I'll look sadly at all the dress clothes that will once again wither away in the closet, hoping against hope to one day see the light of day before going to horribly out of style. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) On the plus side though, I may not have gotten this job but when I interviewed, I looked damned good doing it.

And besides, there's always next time. Right, Susan?

Spring Break: The Breakening

Last week the kids were on Spring Break. Being a good mom, I took off work to spend the time with them, assuming that their break would align with their cousins' break giving ME a break during their break (I may be a good mom but I'm also a lazy mom) but because the universe thinks my planning anything is funny, the overlap was one measly day. So now I was on the hook for two kids for the week. There was only one thing left to do: plan the hell out of the week and DO ALL THE THINGS.

Technically their break started on Good Friday but since Dyl was already off, that was one day I didn't have to worry about. Saturday I worked for a few hours then took them shoe shopping and then we dyed Easter Eggs. PSA: year-old cheap-ass egg coloring kits work just about as well as you'd expect. The more you know. Sunday was Easter and with the distraction of family and egg hunts, so pfft, this was a piece of cake. Then Monday rolled around.

MWAHAHAHAHA!

Looking at the weather, Monday was going to be the only really decent day to be outside so I rejiggered plans for the zoo. Someone was extremely excited to be on spring break as I was woken before 7 by a snuggly, talkative Noah. Someone needs to learn what 'vacation' means. Luckily though, my sister and her boys belong to the zoo too so we met up with them and the bonus addition of Grandmom Yvonne and Granddad!

It was hella crowded (see: only nice day of the week) but it really didn't feel that way until we got to Africa. The lion cubs were all grown up but the lemurs weren't out. Bummer. As part of my 'good mom' persona, I even remembered the sunscreen which was a victory in and of itself. Then I worked that night.

Tuesday was still warm, but definitely gray so a trip to the National Aquarium was on tap for us. But first, needed my pre-7 am snuggles, this time from Noelle. Yawn. At least we'd make our ticket time. I hadn't been to the aquarium in years so watching the kids run from exhibit to exhibit was so much fun! The whole concept of an 'open rainforest' freaked them out until they saw the maned tamarinds and nothing was ever so much fun. We saw everything: rays, sharks, Nemo, jellies, dolphins...but the highlight was eating lunch in the cafeteria where Noelle had a slice of pizza bigger than her head. Miraculously we escaped without exiting through the gift shop so I'm counting that as a win. Then that night, I worked.

Wednesday was cooler and rainy and our first stop was to get Noelle's new glasses. They are adorable on her and she couldn't get over how much clearer everything was.

ALL OF THE ADORABLE RIGHT HERE!

Then it was home to finish folding laundry, pack for our overnight with my parents and eat lunch before heading to see the movie "Home." It's super-cute and a truly 'kids' movie. There are no underlying jokes for parents but that didn't matter, I liked it as it was and the kids laughed and giggled through the entire thing. Then we drove to my folks' for our DC extravaganza the next day. I didn't work but had way too much wine. Um, ouch.

Thursday I woke early after sporadic sleep and a pounding headache (see: wine) and knew I was in for a long-ass day. But after chugging a gallon of water and an equivalent amount of coffee (okay, and a few Advil), we were on our way. First stop: the White House.

Paparazzi in training

After that we headed over to the Museum of Natural History. The dinosaur exhibit was closed but we saw the hall of mammals, the gems and the ocean life.

The girl's got style

Number 1 on the threatdown: bears

Noah got really scared by one of the fossil films and was ready to call it a day at that point (code for: go back to Nana's house and play "Transformers" on her iPad) but I was mean and said 'No.' Onward, Ferb! Next stop was my favorite museum, Air and Space. The kids weren't quite as enthralled with it as I was and we narrowly avoided a major meltdown with Noah wanting to climb on the 'rover' and me not knowing what in the hell he was talking about.

This apparently is a 'rover.'

Finally we found it and after that he consented to take a picture.

Tis true! I was there!

All was quite good when we hit the gift shop and he got a space shuttle toy. Noelle vacillated between a cherry blossom snow globe (SNOW GLOBE!!), a t-shirt, and a magnet, ultimately choosing a magnet. Okay then. The final stop on our whirlwind DC tour was the National Geographic Museum to see the Monsters of the River and Spinosaurus exhibits.

Spinosaurus

Not a Spinosaurus.

Noelle found other kids to play with so I shielded Noah from yet another scary movie. We met up with Nana after her meeting to head back home and crash. Okay, and to play "Transformers."

Proof! Nana was there too.

Friday we left my folks' house early and as a surprise I took them to Ultimate Playzone, a local indoor bounce-house place. Unfortunately, it was mostly little kids there at that time but I had a conference call I couldn't miss at 2 pm so the early slot it was.

Actually Mom, we don't really care.

We finished by visiting their preschool which was just next door and holy crow, Noah was a full head taller than the kids he was in class with just last August. They swarmed him, three deep when we entered KR-B, all screaming "Noah!" I might have teared up. Just a little. And then I worked.


So today I'm back at work, the kids are at school and life slowly returns to its normal rhythms. I've caught a cold which is in no small part due to running myself into the ground last week but you know what, it was all worth it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Spending that time with my kids, doing things, watching the delight on their faces, and yes, spoiling them rotten, brought me so much joy, maybe moreso than them. I'm the luckiest mom ever.

And I can't wait for spring break next year.