Getting to know Noah

Long weekends, while wonderful, can be hell on earth when you have kids. Not that they aren't awesome and sweet and you just want to burrow into the snuggles preferably at a time later than 7 am but extra togetherness (for them) rarely ends well for anyone. For that reason alone we always try to have some sort of activity planned to keep them occupied and distracted from annoying the bejesus out of each other. This Labor Day was no exception.

Sunday was just a beautiful day and my main goal was to get them OUTSIDE. Alas, Noelle woke up with a hacking cough and a very low-grade fever. Sorry kiddo; no way you're leaving the house today. She needed to rest and Noah needed to be removed from electronic stimulation so I made a unilateral decision: we'd go to the zoo. At first there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth: Are Grant and Carter going to be there? No. Waaah! Are Kylee and Karson going to be there? No. It's just you and me. Waaah! Then he got over it and got dressed while I made lunches and packed snacks. I love that about our zoo (The Maryland Zoo at Baltimore), sure, it's not free but we go often enough that the membership we buy pays for itself in a couple of visits and we can pack the entire kitchen if we want. Suddenly, it dawned on him: he's got a whole day with just mommy and no sharing. Onward!

With multiple kids, where we go and when is always a negotiation but driving down I told him that he gets to set the agenda: we'll do as much or as little as he wants. He makes the decisions. And so he did. We saw the prairie dogs, spending a lot of time there. He requested a stop by the playground but decided once there that he'd rather have a drink and we headed down the shady path, him stopping to read the banners, practicing sounding out the words. Something that would never have happened if his sister or cousins were there - they'd be too busy laughing and running. He and I together? We took it slow and talked and walked and held hands. I made a vow to myself to be more present and less 'all-pictures all the time' and pretty much held to it. Sort of. And you know what? I've got a pretty neat kid.

We noticed all the updated signs and read them. By doing so we actually saw the river otter. She was huge! We got to see her get out of her nest and slip into the water. He jumped across the lily pads and we explored the caves. He pet the goats and didn't whine to ride the train. If he had asked, I would have gotten us tickets but no, it was time to visit Africa! With a quick detour by Penguin Coast for a time lapse construction video dance party. We saw two crocodiles swimming with turtles and our favorite funny monkeys. The giraffes were out in force and sitting down in the giraffe viewing area for lunch, three of them came up to vie for treats of leaves. We saw the elusive Dik Dik and the warthogs, heading then to visit the elephants where we practiced reading more signs and talked about why they were brown instead of grey. We headed back to the African aviary and spent a long time searching out all the birds, all the while steadily chatting about everything and nothing. We got to see the new cheetah, a beautiful, powerful animal stalking her new habitat and the lazy leopard snoozing in the sun. We finished our zoo day with penguin feeding time then headed home without a fuss.

Even the drive home was special, chatting the whole way about nutrition and what we have to do to survive. Our good moods continued with a quick stop by the grocery store and then back home to daddy and Noelle...and electronic entertainment. But that night he wanted me to get him ready for bed even though it was his turn to be with Dylan. Just like me, he didn't want that day to end. I've had experiences of being just with Noelle and it's fun and easy because she's so much like me. With Noah, I haven't done that before and wow, I've been missing a lot! He's sweet and funny and observant and curious and just so, so loving. All of which I knew but it's so much easier to revel in it when I can devote myself fully to him.

I've got the best little boy and I can't wait to do it again.

Bus Stop Diaries

August 24, 2015
Dear Diary,

Welp, here it is. The first day of school. New clothes, bags packed full of supplies, reconnecting with friends. The bus should be here soon; I really hope we don't have the same problems of the substitute driver always being so late as we did last year. The bus is here, hooray! And then the bus left. Just blew right past our stop with many (many) kids and stopped at the other entrance to our neighborhood. Did...did they combine the stops this year? So we all picked up bags and sped-walked to the other stop just to watch the bus pull away. The other parents said another bus is coming but it's getting late. Maybe we should just drive to school since it is the first day and all. Yes, that's what we'll do. So we packed up back into the car and away we went. I'm sure that it's just first day bumps; it's not like this bus stop hasn't been right here for years. Oh, wait. It has. Well, I'm sure that tomorrow will be better....


August 25, 2015
Dear Diary,

Can you believe that Noah is SIX today?! I can't. He's really excited about his birthday and we're bringing cupcakes and small goody bags for all of his classmates. I hope that his new teacher doesn't mind; it's hard with his birthday being the second day of school and not knowing his teacher's rules and all. It will be so much easier for him carrying things today. The principal called the house last night to apologize for the bus snafu so I'm sure that it has been resolved and they did say there was to be an early bus and a late bus. The early bus came at the late bus's time and I started to get worried. With only five minutes before the bell was due to ring, I decided to drive them, muttering some not-so-nice things under my breath. I hope that the kids didn't hear me. At least the 'late' bus showed up! As we were getting into the car so we hopped back out and ran to catch it. I'm really not comfortable with how this is going diary; how are they supposed to transition to school without that critical time buffer? Oh well, back to school night is tonight so I'm sure we'll get some answers then.


August 26, 2015
Dear Diary,

Noah had a great birthday! He really liked all of his presents and I got to meet their teachers at Back to School night and had ice cream cake and chips and salsa for dinner. The principal certainly apologized for the bus issues but we don't know what's happening with them still. I really hoped that it wouldn't be late today - I've got a lot of work to do and need to get to the office. We decided to play it safe and waited at the 'early' bus stop - along with the rest of the neighborhood. Hee hee, I wonder what the 'late' bus driver thought when she arrived to an empty stop? When the 'early' bus pulled up at 9, the driver just about flipped out that she couldn't take all of the kids. (There was room for all of them. Our neighborhood is the last stop on the route. She took them all.) I'm confused diary; why would the school send two buses to the same small neighborhood and tell half of the kids that they can't ride one of them and have to wait for a bus that won't pick them up until just before classes start? In other news I finally finished going over my shelf life report. Man but do I have a lot of stuff to block! I wonder how far Noah has gotten in his Lego Batman game? I'm crossing my fingers that tomorrow the routes will be sorted out. Tonight I go grocery shopping for Noah's birthday party. I must remember to get booze. And lots of it.

To be continued....

Six

Six years ago today, a special little person was born. Well, maybe not so 'little' *cough10lbs7ozcough* but a wonderfully snuggly and squishy little boy.




















And what a little boy you've become: all legs and gap-toothed smiles, wheeling wildly through this life. You feel so much; all the joys, all the sadness but through it all remain so kind and loving and empathetic. You still love climbing onto my lap when we're relaxing on weekend mornings, you doing your thing (usually playing Minecraft or watching videos about playing Minecraft) and me doing mine but we're close and together, my arms encircling you and you lean back against my chest, so I can kiss your head and snuffle your hair. In moments like those, the world slips away and we go back in time to when it was just the two of us; Daddy at work and Noelle at school. I know these moments will grow further apart so I hold onto them as tight as I can now.

You are so full of life, going full bore towards everything. There is no halfway with you. When you get frustrated, you throw down your pencil, your hands up, complaining you can't do it yet the moment my back is turned, you pick it right back up and do it. You are so, so capable my little man. You love to play with other people but I love watching you play by yourself. You are lost in your own little world of Legos and Minecraft, heroes and villains, ninjas and pirates. You look just like your daddy but you have my attitude. I'm really sorry about that.




















You are becoming your own real person: joining Cub Scouts, learning how to swim, conquering kindergarten and now taking on first grade. You love Lego Batman and Minecraft and Mario. You cheer for the Orioles and the Ravens like a good Baltimorean but aren't defined by sports. You are the tallest in your class and the youngest but it will get easier, I promise. You love dark chocolate and jelly beans meaning that I have to share with you but I'm rewarded thousands of time over with giant hugs and sweet kisses. You are tough but still wrap yourself around Bla Bla every night and adore your big sister. I will miss Five but I'm so excited to meet Six.

I love you so, so much baby boy. Happy birthday!

Love,

Mommy

They're going back! Maybe...

Today marked the first day of school for our county. I've got a third and a first grader this year; how in the world did that happen? Curse you Father Time and your slow but inexorable waltz towards entropy! We had the tools (supplies. So. Many. Supplies.), we had the talent (braaaaains), and we had the new outfits (natch.) We were so, so ready. (Fine, I; I was so, so ready for them to go back mostly so that they could sleep later.) Because we seem to live in a parallel universe, they sleep in during the school year as the bus doesn't pick up until 9 am (if we're lucky) for a 9:20 start. This has the effect of school mornings being rather enjoyable for pretty much everyone.

School! What fun! Wheeee!

 Since this isn't our first rodeo, we left the house at 8:45 to get up to the bus stop as the bus tends to arrive a tad early at the beginning of the year. We reconnected with friends, traded notes on who had what teacher, and of course, posed for pictures.

90 degrees and wearing a scarf. Like a boss.

Well, Noelle did. Someone else may have been a little grumpy about having to put down his Lego Minecraft Batman...thing...to get ready for school.

Just take the picture already, woman!

Just a bit after 9, the bus pulls up...and passes right on by. Wait, what?! While it stopped at the second neighborhood stop at the top of the street, the rest of us grabbed backpacks stuffed with supplies (so many supplies!) and hauled ass up the hill to the stop...where the bus pulls away.

What the actual fuck?!

Is there a second bus for our neighborhood? Did the driver really just blow off a group of 25 kids? Ours is not a new stop, not by a long shot. Kids are bewildered, parents are frantic so I called the school and asked politely - for me - what in the name of pants was happening. It turns out that there are two buses servicing our neighborhood now, an early one and a later one with the usual bus driver. However, the later bus was running late (no shit, Sherlock) due to an accident somewhere but was on its way. How very reassuring given that it was now 9:12 and they are expected to be in their classrooms by 9:15. And did no one in the administration think to inform anyone on the route as to the changes seeing as a bus LEFT A BUNCH OF KIDS AT A REGULAR BUS STOP.

Breathes heavily.

I had to get to work so we tossed everything into the car and took off for school, fully expecting to see the bus come barreling around the bend any second.

Nope. No bus.

Of course once on Main Street, there was traffic due to a closed lane. Did they not get the memo that schools were back in session as of today and maybe it would be a better idea to wait until, oh, 9:30 to start that shit? Clearly not.

Rolling to a stop, I pretty much barked 'Go! Go! Go!' to the kids, shouting out room numbers as they dashed into the building, dragging their supplies (so, so many supplies.)

I really, really hope that I got their room numbers right otherwise enjoy your day in whatever class I sent you to, guys.

Don't ever change, Baltimore County. Don't ever change.

Physics is hard, yo

Some days I think that I can be perfectly happy without touching booze again in my life...and some days send me straight for the bottle. I'll let you decide where this day falls.

Scene - The lab. My office.
Annnnnnd Action!

Co-worker: Did you take the samples up the street this morning?

Me: Huh?

CW: Did you take the samples up the street this morning?

Me: Oh...yeah.

CW: Why didn't you take the box?

The Box.

Me: Because it didn't fit in the bucket.

The Bucket.

CW: Does it have to fit in the bucket?

Me: For carrying samples? It helps.

Not fitting in the bucket.

If this wasn't a fitting end to the week then I don't know what is.

And you thought that TPS reports were bad

The following has been paraphrased based on a true conversation, except for what I made up.

From: Derperson & Co. HR Department
To: All Employees

We here at Derperson & Co. HR are fully committed to bringing you the best work place experience possible. To that end, the following policy changes have been implemented so that no one will have to be bothered by anything ever again:

1) If you have a complaint against someone for anything, no matter how small, make sure to communicate this anonymously with few details and no specifics, preferably in the form of a note slid under a locked office door. We all need some excitement and mystery in our lives after all.

2) Report everything. No matter whether or not a statement, action, or thought was communicated directly to you, if you find it the slightest bit offensive, best to not take chances and report it immediately following the guidelines of Rule #1. To ensure your complaint is the top priority, include the phrase 'sexual innuendo' in your note; you'll get the quickest action* that way.

3) If you feel that the HR department is not moving swiftly enough for your liking or has closed the file in a non-satisfactory manner to you, rewrite your complaint and send it to the corporate ethics hotline again anonymously and with few details. Feel free to add anything additional but make sure to not include any specifics. It's a good idea to invoke the 'unwanted physical contact' but refrain from mentioning whether your were the recipient of the contact or not. Emphasize that hugging was involved and that it bordered on an embrace. This will ensure that all other activities lose urgency in light of this fact.

4) Employees will now be required to wear opaque bubble-wrap suits to work to eliminate the possibility of exposed body parts that could offend someone with the added bonus of improving our safety record. Remember: you can't get injured or be seen if there's nothing to see. Report any violations in the manner as described above.

With your help we can make Derperson & Co. an even better place to work, free of any interaction with fellow coworkers at all. As everyone knows, HR has nothing better to do with their time than investigate vague complaints for weeks on end and doesn't really do anything the rest of the time anyway.

Sincerely,

The HR Department

*I guess we have to report ourselves now.

The Great Toilet Caper

AKA Thug Life of a Five Year Old AKA This Will Go Down On Your Permanent Record.

Summer vacation has finally started for the kids and for us that means 1) getting up earlier than for school and 2) spending the entire day outside. Doing things. Being active. At camp!!11!Eleventy!1. It's for your own good, you'll learn to swim, have the same type of childhood I did, blah blah blah nostalgia-cakes. (I figure I can get another year, maybe two out of this plan before the totally catch on that they are getting seriously screwed in this process.)

Day Two was yesterday and I was at work (when am I not? Seriously.) when I got Teh Call. Fuck. Fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck. It was his counselor (naturally) with the news that he had been in the bathroom when the lid to the toilet tank fell and shattered.

"Is he okay?"

"Well, yes, he's fine." she replied, clearly surprised that I had asked. Really? Why wouldn't I have asked that? "But" (oh hell) "he picked up the lid and it fell and shattered so since it was destruction of property, you'll need to pay for it."

"Oookay. I understand. But he's okay, right?"

"Yes, he's fine, just some small cuts."

"All right, I'll be on the lookout for the bill. Thanks." And I went back to work, wondering what in the world would have possessed the child to investigate the inner workings of a toilet tank. I mean, other than being five-year old boy that is.

As the day wore on, it puzzled me more and more. That is so out of character for him; he's never exhibited and burning rush of investigation over the toilets at home. Maybe it's the being in a new place and having new adventures made him spazz out or something. I don't know. But those things are heavy. And while he is tall, he's not that tall to get sufficient leverage to lift it. Sigh. Oh well, we'll figure this out at home; at the very least he'll have to pay for half of the cost out of his allowance as it broke as a result of him doing something he wasn't supposed to do. We'd get a bill, we'd pay it, that would be the end of it.

Oh ho ho ho!

This morning as I dropped them off at the camp bus stop and van driver was the counselor who escorted him to the rest room yesterday. She filled me in on the story: she took him to the bathroom and while she waited outside, she heard it shatter and went in to find him crying with his swim trunks still down. She lifted him up and away from the shards and got the director. At some point in this I was called and told we were on the hook for paying for it. Then came the kicker: he was suspended from camp for today, Wednesday, June 24.

Wait, what?

Because the lid broke due to his actions, that is considered 'destruction of property' and therefore vandalism with an automatic 1-day suspension. There it was, in black and white, on the incident report form...that we didn't receive yesterday thanks to Mother Nature's epic temper tantrum.

"They didn't tell you he's not allowed to attend camp today?"

Clearly not if I'M STANDING HERE WITH A LOOK OF SHOCK, NO KNOWLEDGE OF THIS AND HIM PACKED FOR CAMP.

She called the senior director to see if he could serve his suspension tomorrow seeing as we weren't aware of this. Nope. No dice. Do not pass 'Go', do not attend camp. How exactly were we supposed to know this if you didn't give us the sheet telling us this, let alone a follow-up phone call? It wasn't her fault and I tried very hard not to take it out on her but still. This is an unacceptable fail in communication. Plus, you know, he's FIVE. Probably not a dangerous criminal in training. But I get it; there are rules and consequences to breaking the rules. I have no problem with that. I do have major problem with the communication piece and how it was handled. They will be getting an earful from me when I can trust myself to not completely unload on them which at this rate might be next July.

Fortunately my mother-in-law was able to come up and spend the day with him so he kind of wins today as Grandma is his most favorite person in the entire world. I have my doubts that he actually lifted the lid; either it was already off kilter and fell when he lifted the toilet seat or he put his hand on it to peer into the opening and that shifted it enough for gravity to do its thing is a more likely and logical explanation. But the counselor probably came in, saw the mess, and asked "Did you lift it?" and in shock and pain, he probably agreed and now in his mind that is what happened. I don't blame her per se, but how things are phrased are of critical importance, otherwise you are leading the witness.

We'll never know what really happened but one thing's for sure - he'll have a helluva 'What I did during my summer vacation' essay when they get back to school. Which really can't come soon enough for me and now, I suspect, for him too.