Lenting it up all over myself

Have you heard? We're in the most magical time of the year, where spring is in the air (sure), winter is winding down (ha!) and Easter looms with bunny rabbits and fluffy chicks, chocolate eggs and jelly beans as far as the eye can see. The time of the year where we give up that which we enjoy because Jesus died on the cross for us so STOP WHINING ABOUT GIVING UP SODA YOU UNGRATEFUL SLUGS, IT'S ONLY FOR 40 DAYS. CHRIST. Or, you know, if you believe all that though by all accounts everyone agrees that he was one righteous dude.

(Also, has anyone realized that the Lenten season of sacrifice comes right on the heels of the death of January resolutions? Geez, no wonder folks hate winter so much; it's nothing but three months of deprivation.)

Anyway, we are seven days into this Lenten season. Dyl is going a whole new route this year - he's giving up swearing. I would do that but hello, have you met me? How about soda? Eh, I don't drink enough of it anymore to make it 'legit'. Wine? BWAHAHAHAHAHA *takes a breath* AHAHAHAHAHA. So I do what any rational person would do: I give up eating altogether. Well, sort of. I do a fast in which (my mom told me) we were only allowed one meal a day for the duration of Lent. Of course, she's reached the age where you are no longer required to do this and I'm signed up for another 20 years so well played mom. Oh, but guess what? That only applies to Ash Wednesday and Fridays. Also something she neglected to share. But I'm not bitter. Then a few years ago my grandmother told me that Sundays were exempt so I proceeded to eat ALL THE THINGS. The downside? Getting into work clothes on Mondays were always a bit of a crapshoot.

After, I dunno, 15 years or so, I've got it worked out pretty well. I will eat a small breakfast because biology trumps religious constructs. Sorry. I used to do the Slim Fast milkshakes but 1) they're nasty and 2) I can't find them in the stores anymore (alas) so have turned to a new option: belVita breakfast biscuits. Four biscuits in a package and spread them out over the day to keep me going (except for today when I just shoved them all in my mouth because HANGRY. Also, I'll regret this decision later no doubt.) The key is crunch; just drinking a 'milkshake' goes nowhere in fooling your brain you've eaten. (This is also the time of year I rue not being pregnant or breastfeeding. INSTANT DISPENSATION SUCKAS.) The first week is relatively easy but it gets progressively harder the closer to Easter we get, mostly as I had tied it to the sunset. Dylan learned to step cautiously around me until after the sun went down, kind of a reverse-vampire thing. I no longer go quite that insane. I'll bitch and moan but overall I'm glad that I do it because as much as I posture otherwise, I like knowing it's a sacrifice sanctioned by the church as I'm a big rule-follower. That loose fitting jeans and jelly beans are in the offing is really just an added bonus.

So keep your Lenten promises y'all. The Easter Bunny, after all, is watching.

Confessions of a holiday hoarder

You guys, we need to talk. I think that I might have a problem. A problem that goes beyond chocolate wine or jelly beans or any YA dystopian novel ever written. No, it's much deeper than that. It's a problem about...stuff.

Not 'stuff'-stuff but...stuff. In general. And holiday stuff in particular: Christmas, Easter and now even Valentine's Day, it doesn't matter. I've caught myself eyeballing trinkets for St. Patrick's Day FFS and I am maybe 0.00000017% Irish. Added to my never-ending obsession with ridding my house of stuff, this constant influx of holiday stuff is beyond stupid. My life has begun to feel like a 'Make an every day task a dance' joke: put it in, take it out, put it in, take it out, and push (beat beat beat) and push (beat beat beat)' Do The Shopping Cart! I am well aware of how diametrically opposed those two impulses are. Also: insane. Shall we look at the Easter evidence?

 First Easter. You know, for the baskets at home.  But what about the candy? Those poor, poor deprived children....

Relax homie; I got this

Peter Rabbit says,:I got your 'candy' right here...."

They've already had one Easter, yes. But what about second Easter?

I don't think that they know about second Eas....  Wait. My bad.

But it was with their cousins! An attempt to recreate the fun of Easters past! Think of the children!

And that, my friends are reasons One through Eleventy Billion why I'm in most dire need of an intervention.

Hi there, don't forget about us!

Crap.