Friday, February 21, 2014

It's Supercalfabricalious

We all have our weird hang-ups, I know that. Mine do not make me a special snowflake by any stretch of the imagination, in fact, I usually have them buried so deep that nothing short of zombie-producing gas quake will bring them to light. Except for knotty pine. I carry that loathing front and center. Recently though, I had to get new work pants as mine are ancient with fraying hems, missing buttons, and faulty zippers - sometimes all on the same pants! And I wonder why I can't get promoted. At any rate, it was time to bid adieu to my trusty Dockers but I have a big issue with textures. Specifically fabrics. Now I'm not saying that being covered head to toe in jersey-knot cotton wouldn't be ideal...wait. No, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Many years ago in my first go round at the plant, I had ordered the uniform pants which I may have tried on once before chucking them into the closet never to be seen again with a loud "Oh HELL no!" (My roommate and best friend can corroborate this.) They were stiff, they were itchy and they fit weird. I have a bizarre shape - very long legs with big hips, a moderate butt and no waist of which to speak (hello Hobbit torso!) so the regular women's style hit me in all the wrong places. So I shrugged and bought khakis. Well, two kids later, shelling out $200 to replace pants that I wear to work and get messy and smelly is simply not going to happen so I bit the bullet and ordered new uniform pants. They came in several days ago and with great trepidation I tried them on...oh god, the fabric. It's still weird and stiff and high-waisted which makes me cry. But! They. Have. Pockets.

Real, functioning pockets. Four of them! Deep for carrying stuff and making sure your keys/phone/access card do not randomly fall out while walking. Actually existing back pockets! Ladies, you know what I mean. None of those fashion 'half pockets', those sewn shut wannabe pockets. Pockets that are there and not for some strange fashion choice. I mean, really, what's the point of pockets in pants that have no depth or are just there for show? Why even bother? No, these are full sized pockets. Extra full sized. You could possibly smuggle a turkey dinner in them. These are the pants you want to wear during the zombie apocalypse. They aren't tearing as I believe they are made out of malleable steel, possibly mithril, you can shove a TON of shit in them for when you have to get out of Dodge quickly and in a understated navy blue, won't show too much wear and tear (or blood and guts). The only thing that could make these better would be in a cargo style (MOAR POCKETS) but beggars can't be choosers. If only it didn't feel like my skin was being sandpapered off....

Levi Strauss Company? Call me. We need to talk.

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