The only way to fight a phobia is to Spin it

Into something completely ridiculous.  I'm not out and out scared of much but the one thing that tops my list is...spiders.  My reaction to spiders is pretty much straight out of the Ron Weasley playbook: paralysis, whimpering, running screaming in abject terror.  They are too much: too many legs, too many eyes, furry, deliberate all around the stuff of nightmares.  Though my nightmares generally feature teeth falling out and not being able to run but no matter.  Yes, they have their place in the great circle of life, they eat the bad bugs, the ones that carry disease and I'm very grateful to them.  I just want for the them to stay out of my house.  Nature belongs outside is all I'm saying. 

So this was my greatest fear until I read a lovely post by the very talented Jodifur about her recent cruise vacation.  It sounded amazing with nary a norovirus sighting in sight until...the picture of her son riding. an. alligator.  Yes, you read that correctly. Her son was riding an alligator on the cruise ship (everything was contained and handlers were within grabbing distance etc.)  And thus, a new phobia was born: of being stuck on a ship in the middle of the sea with alligators rising up and overthrowing their masters and gaining the run of the ship.  What should I call it? Revenge of the Reptile?

Because I watch way too many really bad SyFy monster movies, the seas around the alligator-infested cruise ship would be full of such eldritch horrors such as Sharktopus, Pirranhaconda and Gamera.  It's not a bad monster movie though until Eric Roberts appears as a boozing politico who just wants his cut of the new act and the only thing that can save them is a marksman shot into a helium tank/massive quantities of liquid nitrogen/opening a portal to the 10th dimension.

Perhaps I need a new Saturday night hobby. So, spiders it is.

Now head over to Gretchen's Second Blooming for less silly spins!

Spin Cycle: Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they aren't all out to get me!

"Hey, we've got the 'Skins game today.  Want to watch?"

"Really?  The Ravens - oh that's right, they play later.  Sure, what channel - hey, when did the game start?"

"Uh, not sure, maybe 15 minutes ago?"

"Well, we can turn it on real quick to see how they're doing but after that we have to change the channel."

"...."

"Because you know that if I don't watch from the beginning, we'll end up losing and it will all be my fault."

"...."

"Just can't take the risk."

Eye roll.  "You are so odd."

This fascinating trip into my addled psyche has been brought to you by the Spin Cycle over at Sprite's Keeper, the provider of mystery topics.  Can you guess what mine is?  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and crack my knuckles in counts of eight.  Mostly in frustration as I STILL cannot seem to be able to add the awesome 'Spin Cycle' button/badge but a little bit because that's the way I seem to roll.

Technology and I go together like red wine and peanut butter or EPIC. FAIL.

I admit it, I've been a slacker missing the last two spin cycles the first of which I was too stressed to do a post about stress (file that one under 'I' for Irony) and this week's on proms (those photos will stay safety buried for another year).  But when Jen from Sprite's Keeper offered up technology as the topic this week, well my friends, this I can speak to.  But only using small words for reasons which shall soon become clear.

Oh where to start?  How about with the mind-boggling 4 remotes needed to watch a DVD.  Remote #1:  DirecTV remote.  Remote #2:  TV remote.  Remote #3:  VCR remote.  Remote #4:  DVD player remote.  And now the process:  Turn on TV with Remote #2, change to Channel 3 with Remote #1.  Turn on VCR with Remote #3 (because CLEARLY you should run your DVD player THROUGH the VCR) then finally turn on DVD player with remote #4.  Oh, and volume can only be controlled using Remote #2.  The wiring system was...impressive.  This also explains why when in college I DID NOT disconnect the TV/VCR wiring before leaving for the semester.  Though in all fairness, I did not come up with this system - it's all Dyl's fault.  I just couldn't figure out how to fix it.  And yes, we had very detailed instructions on how to use the TV for all babysitters who looked at us aghast when we handed them 4 remotes and an instruction booklet.  Have fun!  Though we recently upgraded to a LCD TV AND Blu-Ray player requiring only 3 remotes.  How's that for progress?

Then we have my ancient iPod that Dyl got me for my birthday 4 years ago? ish? Even after getting a new computer and finally (!) downloading iTunes (this would be LAST FEBRUARY), I still cannot transfer the songs that I bought on iTunes to said iPod.  And when I say ancient, I mean ancient: 500MB.  I am clearly one of the early adopters that will pay $600 for a phone that makes my coffee.

Speaking of coffee, I'm on my third cup this morning and I have a 12-pack of Diet Coke under my desk.  I'm just sayin'.

Last year (or was it the year before that?  Hm. I'm not sure) I got a new phone.  That! Even! Took! Pictures!  And 2 years later figured out how to send the pictures from said phone to my email address so as to share the blurry action shots of careening 2 year-olds to everyone.

Luckily I'm not a complete idiot when it comes to computers but I have been stumped by the fun buttons.  I wants them.  Blogger says I cannot has them.  But YOU has them.  Please, tell me the secret because Ctrl-C/Ctrl-V is not my friend right now.  And, what the sam hill is a hash-tag?  Can it be smoked?  Braised? Sauteed in butter?

Ah, it's finally lunchtime.  Good thing that I can at least work the microwave.

Recession vs. Biological Clock Smackdown!

So you find yourself mired in the deepest recession since the Great Depression.  What should you do?  (Hint:  not getting knocked up is a good place to start.)  What's that?  You already are?  Well fear not my good friends for I am here to shepherd you through this (even more) frightening time with the fruits of my own experiences since apparently the ticking of the ol' biological clock TKOs common sense Every. Damn. Time.  (Full Disclosure:  I snark but our baby was very much wanted so we were prepared to do whatever was necessary to fulfill our family dream.)

Step One:  Breastfeed.  No, it isn't 'free' especially if you are working so you'll need a good pump, milk storage containers, nursing pads etc. but when you figure the cost of those supplies versus the cost of a giant container of formula (which for us with our daughter lasted only a week and ran $37), the monthly savings averaged $112.  Health Bonus:  Since you are more focused on what you put into your body, you'll tend to consume less soda and alcohol.  At least that is what has happened with me substituting a ridiculous amount of water for said soda.  You'll feel better and keep more money in your wallet.  Score!

Step Two:  Make your own baby food.  Most likely you have a food processor.  It is your friend.  Use it.  All I needed to purchase were the whole foods or frozen fruits/veggies and a couple of ice cube trays.  For example, cooking and pureeing two medium sweet potatoes filled an entire ice cube tray. Figure that the sweet potatoes cost around $1.67 and the ice cube trays (if you had to buy them) went around $1.50  Each tray holds 16 ice cubes so each serving of sweet potatoes costs 20 cents.  Compare that with the upwards of 50 cents you'll pay per jar of commercial stuff and the savings add up quick.  Bonus:  by buying more fresh and frozen fruits and veggies for your baby, you'll inevitably start serving more to the rest of the family setting strong eating habits in place for years to come. 

Step Three:  Reuse as much as possible.  Since we didn't find out the sex of our first child, all of our baby gear was gender neutral.  The nursery was light blue and the onesies/sleepers were as unisex as we could find them.  So when our son was born this past August, we were able to reuse all of our baby gear from Noelle's infancy and just update the nursery with a new border and crib sheet set.  We kept the nursery furniture in the nursery and bought new furniture for Noelle's room which was significantly less expensive then nursery furniture.

Step Four:  Hand me downs are your friend.  We were able to get all of Noah's clothes from what my nephews had outgrown.  Of course, he is as big as his twin cousins now so the flow of clothes has trickled to a stop but for the newborn stages, it was wonderful.  You can also visit consignment shops for clothes which require clothes to be stain-free and not 'worn' for less than half the price of new clothes.  Which they will outgrow in a matter of weeks.

Step Five:  Child care.  We were very fortunate that my MIL had retired and we were able to hire her to watch Noah saving us 2/3 of the cost of an Infant tuition.  We did opt to keep Noelle in school as she had moved to the preschool class and the benefit to her far outweighed the actual cost of her full time tuition.  Though we may drop her back to only 3 days a week which could be another $150/month saved.  However, we were prepared to shift work schedules or drop to a single income if need be.  Because these guys?  Are totally worth it.

I could do more to cut costs:  cloth diaper, grow own veggies, etc. but there are only so many hours in the day.  Also, I 'm pretty sure that Grandma would balk at the whole 'cloth-diaper' thing.  It absolutely sucks to have to do a cost analysis before having a child.  And many won't have the advantages that I have so this is in no way a knock on anyone.  It's just what has worked for us.  I hope that you can take away something useful from my experience and head over to Sprite's Keeper for more spins on saving money!

Spin Cycle - The Mother's Day Edition

This week's Spin Cycle assignment is all about teh mammas.  And how we celebrate/acknowledge Mother's Day so make sure that you head over to Sprite's Keeper after this to read all about how others celebrate Mother's Day.  So here we go, it's time to spin!

I've been a mom for 4 years now so I guess this makes my fourth Mother's Day.  And...eh.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mommy.  It's the best thing in the world as far as I'm concerned.  But Mother's Day doesn't really feel about me.  In my family, the emphasis has always been on the grandmothers and to a lesser extent my mom.  But this year will be different, a definitive paradigm change.

My grandmother died 6 weeks ago.  This will be the first Mother's Day that she won't be around.  And this makes my mom the 'matriarch' as it were.  It is...difficult because we were all so close to my grandma.  She was the center of the family so her being gone has knocked the world off of it's axis; at least for the short term.  Growing up the tradition was to all go to church together then off to grandma's house for the festivities.  Which mostly consisted of eating but it was a relaxing afternoon with my mom doing the cooking when my sisters and I were younger and us taking on more of the cooking responsibilities once we got older.  And could be trusted to not burn the house down using the oven.  Over the years the location shifted to my parents' house and we do all the cooking now.  And it drives my mom bonkers not being 'allowed' in the kitchen to help.  Breakfasts in bed, brunches, etc. were not our thing and my mom rarely eats it seems.  It was all about just being together.

My all-time favorite Mother's Day was in 2006 when my middle sister and I both announced our first pregnancies to our mom.  The cheers and the tears made it such a special day for everyone.  Tears of relief for my sister who had struggled with infertility and cheers for the first grandchildren who ended up being born just a week apart and are the best of friends.

This year we've all moved up one level on the hierarchy; my sisters and I are now firmly in the middle tier after having spend the past 30-plus years as the cellar-dwellers.  Mother's Day won't be about me for many years to come and you know what?  I'm okay with it.  My mom deserves to have her years, nay, decades in the spotlight.  She is such a terrific woman, so smart, so loving, so giving and I can't think of anyone who deserves to be feted as much as she does.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!  You are the best and I love you so very much!

And the Oscar for Most Outstanding Performance by a Woman in the Role of 'Life' Goes To....

Many years ago I read a novel whose plot I forget and whose author has been struck from my memory but something from that nameless book stuck with me.  There were identical twin sisters who, having taken very different paths in life with one going the glamorous jet-setting career route and the other becoming a wife and a mother, decided to 'try each other's life on' for a while.  The career sister masquerading as the mother attempted to quantify to her sister's children the value of being a wife and mother and what all that entailed.  She was a chef, a chauffer, a laundress, a maid, a proofreader, an editor.  She was a tailor, a seamstress, a handyman and a delivery person.  By listing the jobs done by one person in support of multiple people, she illustrated to the kids and herself the value of the role of a mother. 

Reflecting on my own life I could add a few more jobs to that list: triage nurse, teacher, coach, entertainer.  And yet this only makes up a small subset of the roles that I and many other women play.  I'm a wife, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a niece and an aunt.  I'm a coach and a player, a boss and an employee.  I'm a lover and a friend, a writer and a reader.  It is a struggle, every day, to find the balance in these wildly differing roles; not just for me but for women everywhere.  It is exhausting to think about it to the point where some mornings I wish I could just pull the covers back over my head, eventually emerging from my cocoon 5 years old again with no role to play in the greater game of life beyond just living and enjoying every minute.  And yet the relationships borne of the roles which had the greatest influence on me as a person are the ones that have been shifted to the background.  Not less important for they are the rock upon which I stand but a foundation, a touchstone to bring the wildly shifting colors of daily life back into some sort of pattern. 

But for all of that being said, there is no role that I would give up voluntarily.  For as much as I love being the mommy, there are times when I like for my mom to 'mommy' me.  I enjoy the strategy of coaching but also relish the days where I don't have to run the show, can just worry about my piece of the game.  I have a tremendous amount of autonomy at work yet there are situations when I crave a mentor.  The grass may not always be greener but it sure can look cleaner.

Be sure to head over to Sprite's Keeper by Friday to read more spins on roles!

Quotables: The Spin Cycle Edition

So this is my first attempt at spinning for the 'Spin Cycle' over at Sprite's Keeper.  The topic this week is Quotables, lines from music/movies/books that you tend to use frequently.  And woo boy, do I.  I shamelessly borrow from movies when you just need that perfect observation or response.  Let's look at the top ones, shall we?
First up:  You are so odd. Ghostbusters
A very simple statement, one that can be used in almost any situation but the impact is totally due to the inflection with the emphasis on the 'odd'.  This one is usually directed at Dyl but he knows the reference so he just laughs.  Doesn't mean it's not completely appropriate.  Which it is.  Totally.

Next:  You're weird. The Pirate Movie
Similar to the first one I'll grant you but more of an every day response whereas the previous is best suited to a more 'formal' discussion.  Also, almost no one gets the reference which makes me feel, um, dorky.  So it doesn't get much play....

Flames.  Flames on the sides of my face.  Breaths....heaving breaths....  Clue
Just...perfect.  And delivered by the incomparable Madeline Kahn it's all about the inflection.  And the fingers.  The ultimate utterance when the frustration level for anything has reached it's apex. 

He's not just going to walk in here and say 'Here I am!' Zorro the Gay Blade
This is from a really, really bad movie but one of my favorites.  I used this one when giving the fam updates when we were waiting for my son to done 'cooking' last summer.  To really get the entire experience you have to say it in a really bad Spanish accent.

This, this is ice.  This is what happens to water when it gets too cold.  Real Genius
Great, great movie.  Plus:  Hot Val Kilmer.  Yum.  Also:  a nice change of pace from 'Captain Obvious to the rescue'.

Come to me, gentle friends.  Ace Venture: Pet Detective
One of the ONLY movies with Jim Carrey that I find funny.  So this gets broken out, well, randomly.  Because that's how I roll.

My brains...are going into...my feeeeeeetttttt!  Spaceballs
Heh, it just makes me laugh.

You keep using that word.  I do not think it means what you think it means.  The Princess Bride
Ha!  Bet you thought I was going to go for the other Inigo Montoya quote.  I love this one since I'm a total grammar/vocab snob use this to lay the smackdown on all who dare to bastardize this fine, fine language of ours. 

There are so many more that it could take all day but this snapshot is enough to prove that we have collectively exhausted our creativity and must now depend on Hollywood's screenwriters to provide us with the perfect retort.  And with that, we'll end this insanity.  Can I interest anyone in fruit, or dessert?