|Fingers are overrated anyway.|
|There once was a man from Nantucket...|
|Ah, my old friend, how you mock me|
It's clear my only remaining option is to distract them with pizza and while they're away, pry open the cover and super-glue the control lever to 'off'. It's fool-proof!
If you don't hear back from me soon, send an industrial strength hair dryer. Or a Saint Bernard. Beggars can't be choosers after all.