Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Being Human Recap: Get out of my dreams and into my mouth

When we last left our intrepid Bostonians, Teen Wolf had run away, Papa Wolf was sniffing after Nora and the Mensch regarding the disappearance of Thing 1 (Connor) and Thing 2 (Brynn), Sally scored herself a date and a job with Max the Undersexed and Terribly Awkward Funeral Home Director and Aiden was having very inappropriate fantasies about Bubble Boy.  Let's do this.

Sally is learning how to massage corpses' faces to make them look more 'relaxed' and 'natural' when up pops Dead Dude #1 because the afterlife still has her on speed dial so she does the only logical thing. She disperses him with a tire iron because she's not going to be Touched By An Angel for no-one, no-how. Mama Max then shows up as she's surprise! dead and pleads with Sally to be gentle with her boy. Aside: Max is a very weird mash-up of a Ferris Bueller Matthew Broderick and Notting Hill Hugh Grant and yet, it doesn't work since I kinda want to punch him in the face. Anyway, they double-date with Zoe the Baby Whisperer and Nick the Waterboy which involves a lot of wine, most of which is consumed by Sally. Making up for lost time perhaps? And as ghostly mamas are wont to do, Mama Max crashes the party where three of the four can see her where she oh so subtly threatens Sally to leave her boy alone by sharing details of Max's social habit. Guess nekkid baby pictures and seventh grade yearbook candids are a thing of the past now.

Aiden is increasingly tantalized by the pure spring that is Bubble Boy and has come up with a plan to get some of that sweet sweet nectar: he's a nurse, he'll just draw some blood for 'lab work' which is what we're calling aperitifs now. The only trouble is, Bubble Boy is, well, in a bubble with nothing but bad SyFy horror shows and himself for company. Come to think of it, sounds an awful lot like our Saturday nights. Get this boy some Twitter, STAT! Ahem. And so becomes suspicious of extra blood draws immediately jumping to the (correct but batshit insane) conclusion that Aiden is a vampire and he is nothing but an all-you-can-eat buffet. Aiden's pretty pleased he's found away around the Bloody Flu Death Sentence For The Undead until he realizes that he's being visited by the ghosts of two girls he lured to help heal Henry after Suren exacts her revenge on his dalliance with a human some 100 or so years ago by having him flayed. Yay for being immortal! Also: gross. And ouch. Now they are his ever present 'conscience' if the role of the conscience is to encourage selfish and hedonistic behaviors but whatever. So between his intense hunger and nattering ghostly 20-somethings, Aiden's slowly losing his grip on reality.

Josh the Mensch and Nora engage in cute, couple-ly things like playing, 'Guess What's In This Sandwich'. The less said about this the better as it reminds me too much of the torture we used to inflict on my youngest sister known as, 'Here, Drink Whatever Is In This Cup'. (Sorry Cath.) They don't seem overly concerned about Teen Wolf's absence as the much more looming threat is Papa Wolf Liam and his Vampire Vengeance Vision. Clan Wolf is hunting down the vamps and it's pretty much a field day for them as the vamps are weak from lack of clean blood and Aiden is next on the list. The trouble was, he'd just had a hit of Bubble Blood and was feeling pretty good thank-you-very-much and administered the beat down to Clan Wolf. Papa was watching from afar and made the connection to Nora and Mensch where he basically says Im'ma telling you to kill Aiden, Mensch retorts with, 'You're not the boss of me!' and Nora's all, 'hmmm'. The Mensch finally finds his balls and tells Nora that there is no way he's going to let anyone kill Aiden as Aiden was the one who helped him and protected him after he was turned. Nora's trying to be practical about how it's dangerous for them all to be together and Liam is really scary like WHOA and Josh pretty much lays it on the line: bros before hos. He then goes and does the only sensible thing: threatens Liam to leave them all alone armed with naught but a handgun and puppy dog eyes. Liam strongly suggests he leave and Josh removes his balls once again.

Back at the funeral home, Max and Sally awkwardly discuss the awkward date which then ends with sexy timez as tends to happen in funeral homes. Sally is feeling pretty damn great, Max is conflicted and Mama is peeping then helpfully steps in to inform Sally that she just stole her son's FLOWER, you HARLOT. Cut to Sally marching up to Max in the garage where he is vigorously waxing his car (sadly, not a euphemism) and basically says, yeah, I'm quitting and that wasn't good enough to hit again so peace out. Turns out that Mama  just performed a hostile takeover of Sally (karma's a bitch, isn't it) so in retaliation, Sally gets some mystical help from Zoe in the form of a Thai butterfly soul lock and is about to exorcise Mama when the ladies have some non-Maury lady talk and hug it out. Figuratively. Sally and Max meet up at a bar (could be the biker bar, everyone was wearing black but no Hubcap Margaritas so guess not) where THEY hug it out and MAYBE can have a non-dysfunctional relationship now that Mama isn't acting as a Virgin Alarm anymore.

Bubble Boy goes through every trick in the book to prove Aiden is a vampire but the old stories are just that, stories so they watch bad old movies together as you do. Aiden is so engrossed in the movie that he falls asleep and dreams of being caught drawing extra blood by the day nurse so has to kill her. Of course. The Slut Sisters are there egging him on and he comes to sporting the black black eyes and big sharp nasty teeth of a vamp in the throes of bloodlust right in front of Bubble Boy. So what does he do? He stumble-runs out of the ward because that's not suspicious at all.

Josh is telling Nora how he went and threatened Papa Wolf that afternoon and aren't I incredibly manly now when she tells him he was an idiot (how new) because dude has ISSUES and Josh howls back I HAVE TO PROTECT THE ONES I LOVE!!! when the doorbell rings and it's Papa Wolf bringing a gift: Teen Wolf. How thoughtful. I usually just bring wine. Papa Wolf threatens the Mensch for threatening him and it's all very  homoerotic. And here we were thinking that Josh and Aiden would be the big couple story this year. Oh well shippers, better luck next time.

Next week! The return of Mother Gothel! Sally's Brother! Wolfy Things!

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