Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Judgy health assessment questionnaire is judgy

Every year my company offers us a chance to do a complete blood work up with health risk assessment in exchange for lowered insurance premiums. Because I'm historically bad about going to the doctor, I've always taken advantage of it (the whole two dollars off a pay period is not a huge selling point for me but whatever). Not everyone does it as they are convinced that the company is storing our health data for nefarious purposes, perhaps to sell us to the Soylent Green manufactures at an undetermined date in the future. The assessment pops up and just about the halfway point between annual check-ups so it's a good way to keep tabs on things. (Weight? Still need to lose some. Okay, a lot. Hearing? Still awful but now in possession of hearing aids that I may or may not remember to use. We'll call it a wash.)

This morning I jumped on registering for the health screening which consists of three parts: an on-line questionnaire/assessment, biometrics, and blood work. To get it out of the way and because I can't remember shit nowadays, I also completed the assessment. It asks you questions about sleep, handling stress, smoking, drinking, exercise, food intake, trying to give a holistic look at your health. Once you finish, you can opt to see the report. Since I am a glutton for punishment, I did just that.

Preventative Health - Apparently not seeing your OB/GYN for 3 years as he asked how the baby was after performing the D&C for your miscarriage a few weeks earlier means that you are high risk for everything under the sun, you selfish whore.

Blood Glucose - Well hallelujah, I'm only in the 'moderate risk' category for chronic health issues where moderate means the exact line of demarcation between low and moderate. My quest is balanced on the edge of a knife.

BMI - Just over the line at 25.2. I admit to needing to lose weight, let's not belabor the point. Moving on to...

Exercise - A totally backhanded compliment, 'Hey, you're exercising. Great! But you aren't doing enough and need to do different kinds. Get on that.' Ahem assessment-matons; I HAVE been varying it by going longer and harder. (TWSS)

Blood Pressure - Normal. Well, for the moment. No one has *really* pissed me off today. Yet. But there's still time.

Drugs & Alcohol - Low. Thank goodness that last family party fell outside the time range asked about.

Emotional Health - Low. Yay for managing stress with the exercise I'm apparently not doing enough of.

I think the reporting function just gave up on the whole sleep thing; you see, you need 7-8 hours of sleep a night but to get that, I would need to cut out the exercising and/or reading and/or writing that I use to address all the other stuff that apparently falls into the moderate risk category. Plus, you know, work to make the money to buy the good food and take care of my family and THEIR health needs.

I'm fairly certain that the people who write these questionnaires do so based on a 30 hour day where there is no work and minimally processed foods are both plentiful and inexpensive. It just serves to bring into stark relief that only the wealthy can afford to be healthy. In the meantime, saddle up y'all, it's time to Prancercise.

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