How to lose 50 pounds in 7 months

Yup, that's right.  I've lot 54 pounds in 7 months.  Which just so happens to coincide directly with when Noah was born.  Not that I gained 50 pounds with him, lordy no but still, almost 30.  Which means that I STARTED my pregnancy with him roughly 20 pounds overweight.  Betcha didn't notice!  Or if you did, you were kind enough not to tell me. I hide weight very well (most likely in my feet).  I'm  crafty like that.  And yes, birthing a 10-and-a-half pounder will do WONDERS for the scale.  But how, pray tell, did you manage to lose the rest of it and then some?  I'm so glad that you asked for lo!  I am here to share my earthshatteringly complicated method for profound and sustainable weight loss.  For women though. Guys, you are on your own. 

Step 1.  Have a large baby.  A VAIR large baby.  Or two of them.  Not only are they more nommable and magickally delicious, they make the numbers on the scale go down vair vair quickly.

Step 2.  Be absolutely psycho about establishing your milk supply.  I was sustaining this baby with the fruits of my own labors if it killed me!  And holy hand grenades of Antioch, it was labor.  That poor tissue will NEVER be the same.

Step 2A: Water. Lots and lots of water.  Drink 8 ounces before pumping/nursing and after pumping/nursing.  Then one more glass.  Just for good measure for I would not have supply issues again!  I shall thwart you with my awesome water consumption.  Supply issues, you are all wet!

Step 3.  Eating regularly.  Sounds counterintuitive but hear me out!  Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks at reasonable intervals and hours?  Made tummy VAIR happy.  And not binge-y.  Also:  not dropping crumbs on child's head since that?  Equals bath.  And AH MAH GAH bathing infants is not for the faint of heart.

Step 3A: Regularly scheduled mealtimes.  IE.  Dinner.  Over many objections, Dinner Hour was instituted.  She who cooks gets to make the rules after all.  By eating dinner at an early enough hour, I eat less overall and better food then when I'm trying desperately to come up with a brilliant dinner idea at 8:30 pm once childrens are abed and my brain hurts and I can't think and WAH my life is so hard and man does pizza or Qdoba sound good right now....  The point?  Oh, right!  Eating earlier and as a family = VAIR VAIR happy scale results.

Step 3B.  Bore your tastebuds to tears.  A snapshot of my diet, as it were: 

• Breakfast - bowl of cereal, glass of orange juice, vitamin
• Lunch - PB&J sandwich, bag of any crunchy thing, yogurt, quart of water, fruit snacks
• Snack - several heaping spoonfuls of peanut butter.  Yum. Just...yum.
• Dinner - meat, starch, vegetable, glass of milk
• Dessert - small piece of cheesecake.  DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!  It was leftover from my birthday and since Dyl gave up sweets for Lent, it wasn't going to eat itself
• Water.  Lots and lots of water

Step 4.  Sleep.  Enough of it.  Sleep is way better than almost anything.  Except Diet Coke.  Which leads me to Step 5...

Step 5:  Diet Coke.  Or not.  The point?  Cutting out soda cut the pounds.  Since I was not thirsty in the slightest.  See:  Step 2A.

Step 6.  Exercise.  Which would give even more awesome results.  Not doing great at this since hey!  Shiny, sparkly innerwebs!  But still.  Today I spent at least a half an hour traipsing up and down the stairs at work eleventy billion  times carrying heavy bins of bottles.  So that totally counts, right?  And this summer I'll actually be playing softball and not patrolling the sidelines 9 months pregnant giving the opposing team the stinkeye while everyone says 'for the love of all that is holy DO NOT go into labor here!'

By following these simple steps you too can achieve weightloss nirvana.  Still not ever going to wear a bikini again.  The sharpei residing on my abdomen likes things dark and quiet.

And voila!  The results -

I should totally patent this....